Would you go to a 'wedding' if you knew they were already married?

[BlackCube]

Just want to be realistic about this.

We are getting married in a registry office next week, just us two, and we haven't announced this to anyone. We've been together so long, own a house together, two kids, etc, that it is more of a formality than a great declaration that we plan to spend the rest of our lives together - I think at this stage everyone knows that's the plan 😄

I absolutely don't want to have a proper wedding (it's just not for me or DP) but we have considered maybe next year throwing a big party to let everyone know. It wouldn't be a fancy dress-up affair - maybe more like a big birthday party. Obviously it's a very loose idea in our minds still so no details, but we'd try our best to make it a fun well-catered party. Kids very much invited.

If we didn't have a party we'd probably never bring the matter up tbh. Is it a silly idea? Would you travel to attend a party that you knew wasn't an actual wedding?

P.S. No we wouldn't do this to get presents, no presents would be expected. Just to get rid of the 'secrecy' and to hopefully have a good day with friends and family without the performance elements of an actual wedding.

I think people generally accept it well the only problem might be with close relatives who want to share your formal moment as well, friends care less about that.
A few people I know did the legal bit quietly without inviting anyone and then had a party later. However in both cases it was in situations when them needed to do it urgently for other legal reasons and there was no time to organise something/ to invite someone. So of course their families couldn’t complain and they didn’t.
In your case it looks a bit different - you don’t need to get married without your relatives, you just want to get married without your relatives. The party sounds nice but it’s like you went for an easier option for yourself . If invited I would come but only if it’s easy for me, for a real wedding day I would make a bigger effort.

I would MUCH rather this than a proper wedding tbh! I love watching people take their vows, and seeing the bride dressed in her gown, but the effort:enjoyment ratio is so off that I'd rather skip it.

BUT, you need to be open and honest that this isn't a wedding reception, you're already married, you just want to throw a party marking that. It's nothing but good stuff imo!

Sounds great. Can I come?

I don't think so, I think it's the difference between 'helping someone to mark a rite of passage' and 'going to a fun party', and the amount of time, money and effort you put in to each of these things might be different, even if you are a lovely person and you really like the party giver, and that's okay. For example, my sisters-in-law both got married a couple of years ago. SIL1 had a big wedding a long way away from us, for which we travelled, stayed over for two nights in a hotel, picked up my DM and paid for her to stay in the hotel too so she could babysit DS for the evening bit. SIL2 had a small family wedding which we went to, staying over. She then had a separate big evening party a few months later so she could invite all her friends. For that part, we did travel down and DP went to it, but I stayed in the accommodation to look after DS. Don't know if I was 'missed' or not, maybe not! But it felt more optional than SIL1's wedding and therefore not something we'd have made DM come and babysit for.

Is the difference here that you wouldn’t be doing the ‘ceremony’ at your party and just having the party?

I suppose the differences are that it would be significantly later than the formal marriage date and would not be organised like a standard wedding with formalwear, sit down dinner, speeches, 'first dance', best man, bridesmaids... none of that kind of thing. It wouldn't be a wedding at all really! And we'd be totally upfront about what it was and wasn't.

Absolutely.

It's a party- a chance for friends and family to come together.

Just invite people on the premise that you've finally got married after all this time and want to celebrate with friends and family.

Music and buffet, no gifts and casual dress.

@BarnacleBeasley but you'd attended the wedding so that makes sense you might not bother with the after party if it was a hassle to get to? OP is only having party, if someone wants to celebrate with her they will attend whether there is a 3 course meal with speeches, or if it's a knees up in a pub. OP shouldn't feel she has to entice people to celebrate, it's up to the couple to decide how they want to mark the occasion, if someone doesn't feel the occasion has been done elaborately enough that they question whether they want to go, it says more about the relationship between the person and the couple rather than the occasion itself.

In your case it looks a bit different - you don’t need to get married without your relatives, you just want to get married without your relatives. The party sounds nice but it’s like you went for an easier option for yourself . If invited I would come but only if it’s easy for me, for a real wedding day I would make a bigger effort.

Yes, we absolutely are doing this because it's easier and more enjoyable for us.

I appreciate your honesty! I do think we'll get a lower 'yes' rate than if we did a traditional wedding.

We will have to think about it a bit more but I still think it could be fun and probably quite a few people will come.

Just have to try and gauge if any family members are likely to be mortally offended..

You’ve clearly confused some pps even OP. I think what’s bigging it up a bit is the fact that it’s potentially planned for a year later. This might make some guests expect something a bit more than a wedding too, eg speeches, fancier food etc.

Another reason I’d book for September this year personally and emphasise it’s not a wedding - simply a party to celebrate a marriage.

I attended a party that was thrown after the wedding (due to Covid). The whole bridal party wore the outfits they had worn to the wedding including some of the guests who did go to the wedding. It was a fabulous time. Bride got to wear her dress twice so double bonus.

We had to book a hotel same as we would have done if the wedding hadn't been cancelled X amount of times during Covid.

Go for it OP, you will have a brilliant time

Edited to add the Groom did tell me it had cost way less doing it this way round

Your party is a party, presumably to celebrate your vows? Why not just call it that? The party isn’t a wedding and to call it such just causes unnecessary confusion.

I think with a year between just let everyone know you got married as it comes up and have like a big summer party next year. I would leave the wedding out of the party, people will feel they need to do wedding cards and presents and it will feel odd so long after. If it's a summer party people will relax their dress, you'll get bottles of wine rather than Mr and Mrs mugs and I think it will sound a lot more fun. Or make it a Summer Party/ One year anniversary thing

I think it sounds like a lovely idea. Congratulations OP. A wedding is the promise you make not the actual party anyway. 🎉

Just for this thread, sorry didn't think it through enough before posting and I did put it in scare quotes. Wouldn't call it a wedding on the invitations. But I suppose it would fulfil one of the basic functions of a wedding which is to celebrate a marriage, which is why I used the word.

Do it!!!
Less people get married, christened etc nowadays so any excuse to have a gathering to celebrate something positive would be very happily received, planned for and attended!

Have a 1st year anniversary party?

Something about waiting until.the following year to tell.people just feels odd and a bit pointless to me. You could get married next year just before the party?

Absolutely! Provided you don't call it a "wedding" but a "party to celebrate our marriage" or something.

@BlackCube Just have to try and gauge if any family members are likely to be mortally offended..

If they are, then they'll already be mortally offended that you had a private ceremony, so I wouldn't worry about them for the party part! Based on what you've said I think you should go for it because it sounds like you won't be mortally offended if some people don't make it.

Don't call it a wedding if you're already married. It's a party.

Me and my husband got married in Vegas with just my mum there, and had a party when we got back a few weeks later, loads of people came! :) we just rented out a cheap function room at our local football club and did a buffet our selves!

Nah it's already booked. We're doing it next Thursday, that's 100% (unless one of us is hit by a bus or something).

No I wouldn't. It's the height of self-absorbed behaviour to call an event a 'wedding' when it isn't one. Call it what it is and let people decide if they want to attend it or not.

Deception is unacceptable. 'After party' or any other, absolutely fine.

100%! Love a party, especially a wedding-y one, it doesn't matter if the wedding happened two hours ago or ten years ago! I'm travelling, I'm bringing a gift, I'm going to have a good time 😅

Sorry OP, you're not planning to deceive anybody that it's a wedding so no issue there.

As long as you make it clear that you have already gotten married and this is just a celebration,

I would be fucking livid if ive booked time off work and travelled, booked hotels etc to find out people are already married.