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AIBU?

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Original poster

My husband is pissing me off!!

292 replies

ambeRe · 11/03/2025 01:38

My husband and I I have been married for 8 years. 3 kids together our last being twins a month old. He lost his job and 2 months before my due date he accepted a job a hour away from home. He told me things would stay the same but has been staying over with his grandparents while he's working. He works Monday-Friday he leaves Monday morning and returns Friday after work. I'm exhausted he gets off work and wants to talk until he goes to sleep. Some days he gets off and goes sight seeing or out with friends and I'm home alone with our babies.

I have told him we either move or he comes home at night. He told me things would not be like this for long. It's been like this since being discharged from the hospital. The past couple of weeks I just don't have any words for him and now he's not speaking to me. I'm taking on the job of 2 parents and I'm drained. I'm so fucking pissed I don't want to talk to him most days. He either does not care or he does not understand how hard things are for me.

I tried being understanding not anymore. I no longer have a life outside of being a mom. My days are a blur. We moved 4 years ago so I'm not near family. I have amazing neighbors and friends who help when they can, but he should be here. Hearing him out enjoying himself while I'm home with newborn twins and a 6 year old makes my blood boil.

I'm no longer asking him what's next. If things do not change soon I will be moving back home.This is so hard on me. I go without eating because I just do not have the time. I'm in the house majority of the time I have my own vehicle but it's a lot being out with small children with no help. I love my babies just sometimes I need a fucking break. Between school drop offs/pick ups, packing lunch, school activities, bottle washing, cleaning, cooking, running errands etc. I'm beat by 2 pm.

OP posts:
2024riot · 11/03/2025 02:03

What an arsehole I am not suprised you are furious
How does he justify having to stay over from what seems to be a reasonable commute ?

Original poster
ambeRe · 11/03/2025 02:09

2024riot · 11/03/2025 02:03

What an arsehole I am not suprised you are furious
How does he justify having to stay over from what seems to be a reasonable commute ?

He tells me he's too tired to drive back home. And some days I get it driving is exhausting but it's been a damn month what's next. 😫

OP posts:
joshingaround · 11/03/2025 02:11

When I lived in Greater London, (zone 6) most parents who worked in the city had a commute of at least an hour and sometimes 1hr 20 mins to get to work. That was normal. NONE of them would have dared to dream to stay in town, ever, let alone with newborn twins at home!!!!

Your DH is a selfish wanker who only cares about himself. So what if he has an hour commute? That is normal for many family breadwinners. Par for the course if you want a decent job with a decent wage. Staying overnight rather than driving home and hour to see your children and do your share of childcare for newborn children? When your wife has just given birth? Fucking hell. He's checked out OP. Have my first ever LTB

Original poster
ambeRe · 11/03/2025 02:14

joshingaround · 11/03/2025 02:11

When I lived in Greater London, (zone 6) most parents who worked in the city had a commute of at least an hour and sometimes 1hr 20 mins to get to work. That was normal. NONE of them would have dared to dream to stay in town, ever, let alone with newborn twins at home!!!!

Your DH is a selfish wanker who only cares about himself. So what if he has an hour commute? That is normal for many family breadwinners. Par for the course if you want a decent job with a decent wage. Staying overnight rather than driving home and hour to see your children and do your share of childcare for newborn children? When your wife has just given birth? Fucking hell. He's checked out OP. Have my first ever LTB

No we don't. I think that's something I didn't want to say out loud. I would rather him tell me than to leave me here dealing with everything on my own.

OP posts:
2024riot · 11/03/2025 02:17

Does he have an especially demanding job or work very long hours ?

TemporaryCarer · 11/03/2025 02:20

Good grief, not only are you doing the work of two parents, with a month old twins you are essentially doing the work of 4 parents!!!

Some couples struggle with one baby, at a 2:1 ratio. You are currently working at 1:4 plus a six yr old. He needs to up his game massively. YADNBU!

lovemyboyz247 · 11/03/2025 02:27

That sounds exhausting and you have every right to be angry.

Has he helped with housework and been a hands on dad with the older child before the twins or has he always avoided responsibility?

I think when he comes home this Friday, you need to have a serious conversation with him and say this isn't working. I travelled 90 mins each way to get to and from work when I went back to work after my first born and never thought to live away from home to make my life easier. Many people have an hour commute to and from work. It's completely normal. He is being very selfish.

Has he looked after all three children on his own since you had the twins? I suspect he hasn't and might need to do that for a day to realise how difficult it is. Although anyone with common sense would know that.

AdoraBell · 11/03/2025 02:28

Next weekend go out on your own on Saturday morning and leave your phone at home. Leave him to deal with the children.

Original poster
ambeRe · 11/03/2025 02:29

2024riot · 11/03/2025 02:17

Does he have an especially demanding job or work very long hours ?

7 hours a day

OP posts:
Original poster
ambeRe · 11/03/2025 02:32

lovemyboyz247 · 11/03/2025 02:27

That sounds exhausting and you have every right to be angry.

Has he helped with housework and been a hands on dad with the older child before the twins or has he always avoided responsibility?

I think when he comes home this Friday, you need to have a serious conversation with him and say this isn't working. I travelled 90 mins each way to get to and from work when I went back to work after my first born and never thought to live away from home to make my life easier. Many people have an hour commute to and from work. It's completely normal. He is being very selfish.

Has he looked after all three children on his own since you had the twins? I suspect he hasn't and might need to do that for a day to realise how difficult it is. Although anyone with common sense would know that.

He was a very involved/ hands on dad with our oldest. He's never home alone with all 3 children alone. If I leave I will take 1 of the kids because I know it's a lot to handle.

OP posts:
mrssunshinexxx · 11/03/2025 02:32

He has no respect for you this is really shocking and I'd find it very difficult to forgive. Currently feeding my 4 month old up I have a 3 and 4 year old too my husband works away Monday to Friday so I understand what it's like to be home along doing everything with no break no family support here either. Although my husband runs his own business and is usually 6/7 hours away

ReadingSoManyThreads · 11/03/2025 02:34

He's a selfish disgrace. An hour commute isn't long and certainly does not justify staying overnight for the working week. What a joke. My husband would put him to shame, he had a 2.5hr commute each way when I had our second baby and he was home every night* to help, make sure there was food in the fridge for me and spend some precious moments with us all.

*occasionally he did stay overnight in a hotel on a Wednesday to help with his commute/tiredness and I was ok with that.

Your husband is shirking his parental and husband responsibilities and he's utterly selfish for doing so. He should be ashamed.

You have every right to be angry and fucking pissed off at him.

Daniki · 11/03/2025 02:36

He is unbelievably selfish and no jury in the land would convict you if you were on rial for murder 🙈 how he can even think this is reasonable is beyond me

BlondiePortz · 11/03/2025 02:43

Daniki · 11/03/2025 02:36

He is unbelievably selfish and no jury in the land would convict you if you were on rial for murder 🙈 how he can even think this is reasonable is beyond me

Really that is a bit dramatic? But if you become a single parent your situaton wont change muc, other people have their own lives to be organising and getting on with

Daniki · 11/03/2025 02:50

@BlondiePortz how is that dramatic? He has no reason to be staying away at all leaving her with a newborn never mind newborn twins. If she left and moved home she would have her own family support which is more than what's she's getting now 🤷‍♀️

lovemyboyz247 · 11/03/2025 02:57

Surely he can't see this as a long term arrangement. The fact he's not talking to you after you have tried to bring it up with him is beyond pathetic. How childish of him

He needs to step up not step away. I'm shocked he isn't missing your older child if he's been a hands on dad in the past.

You are doing a great job coping on your own, but it's not just your responsibility and he must know that.

What if you were to say you are ill? Do you think he would come back to help you? Not that you should have to lie to get help, but it might be a way to get him back home and for you to get some rest.

AutumnFroglets · 11/03/2025 02:58

If things do not change soon I will be moving back home

Don't wait just go back home. He has lost any right to say no although quite frankly I don't think he will care what you do as long as it doesn't involve him. I'm sorry OP, you married a first class selfish insert rude word and he won't change so you need to.

Fraaances · 11/03/2025 03:00

Can you book a hotel for next Friday & Saturday nights and leave him with the kids? (Express? Formula?) He’s living the life of Riley being spoiled by grandies while you’re doing it rough.

Addictedtowotsits · 11/03/2025 03:01

An hour commute is pretty normal, my husband's is longer.

ColinOfficeTrolley · 11/03/2025 03:02

My commute is an hour's drive each way without traffic!! It's absolutely nothing.

He's shirking his responsibilities because he can't be arsed.

If I were you, I would be moving back near my family.

He's not interested in family life.

LonelyLeveret · 11/03/2025 03:06

ambeRe · 11/03/2025 02:29

7 hours a day

Show quote history

Bloody hell that's pathetic. I work 12 hour shifts with a 1 hour commute either side. Granted I only do 3 days not 5 but I'm desperate to get home to catch some time with my partner and dogs at the end of the working day. I'd much rather be with them than overnight nearer work. He's taking the piss and has essentially opted out of child rearing leaving you in the trenches alone.

Alwaystired2023 · 11/03/2025 03:06

Agree to leave him Saturday morning with all the children. Just say to him you are exhausted and you need a few hours to yourself and go out. This is one of the craziest things I have read on here, I honestly can't believe your husband just awful, I would be beyond furious

aloris · 11/03/2025 03:09

Him staying away at night because he has a 1 hour commute is ridiculous. And leaving you with newborn twins for five out of seven days because, waaaah, he's too tired to drive an hour... unbelievable.

I think he's showing you who is boss here. His comfort is very important. Your health is not. Your twins are not important. Your 6 year old is not important. Only your husband is important (in his own eyes).

KittyMittyDooDah · 11/03/2025 03:12

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

LilacPony · 11/03/2025 03:23

Goodness me, an hour commute is normal!! Not sure where you are in the country but it’s absolutely standard for many.

You are at home alone with three kids for 5 consecutive days, but yet an hour commute is being considered as the harder option here!! Too tired to drive from working a 7 hour day? I’m absolutely sure you’re too tired to drive your kids to school/to clubs from being up all night with twins and handling three kids alone?? You are without question, hands down, the one who will be the most tired out of you both. But that’s ok.. even though you’re the one driving the precious cargo of kids around??

Gosh I’m sure you’d love to sit alone for an hour listening to music or a podcast twice a day, what a luxury. Absolutely not a need to stay somewhere overnight.