My husband is pissing me off!!

[ambeRe]

My husband and I I have been married for 8 years. 3 kids together our last being twins a month old. He lost his job and 2 months before my due date he accepted a job a hour away from home. He told me things would stay the same but has been staying over with his grandparents while he's working. He works Monday-Friday he leaves Monday morning and returns Friday after work. I'm exhausted he gets off work and wants to talk until he goes to sleep. Some days he gets off and goes sight seeing or out with friends and I'm home alone with our babies.

I have told him we either move or he comes home at night. He told me things would not be like this for long. It's been like this since being discharged from the hospital. The past couple of weeks I just don't have any words for him and now he's not speaking to me. I'm taking on the job of 2 parents and I'm drained. I'm so fucking pissed I don't want to talk to him most days. He either does not care or he does not understand how hard things are for me.

I tried being understanding not anymore. I no longer have a life outside of being a mom. My days are a blur. We moved 4 years ago so I'm not near family. I have amazing neighbors and friends who help when they can, but he should be here. Hearing him out enjoying himself while I'm home with newborn twins and a 6 year old makes my blood boil.

I'm no longer asking him what's next. If things do not change soon I will be moving back home.This is so hard on me. I go without eating because I just do not have the time. I'm in the house majority of the time I have my own vehicle but it's a lot being out with small children with no help. I love my babies just sometimes I need a fucking break. Between school drop offs/pick ups, packing lunch, school activities, bottle washing, cleaning, cooking, running errands etc. I'm beat by 2 pm.

@ambeRe Let me understand this. He stays away from Monday-Friday because he is too "tired" to be making that one-hour drive. But, when he can or wants to, he goes out sightseeing or just out with friends and not tired but NOT coming home to be with you and the children?
If that above is correct, no wonder you are pissed off! At the least, you should see if you could go home for a couple of weeks and stay with family. During that time, you can see if he is truly worth this much hassle and babying. Personally, he doesn't seem worth the bother. Being near your family would be better for you and better for the children.
At least, going home for a break would give you some rest because you know your family will help you and love on you.
UnMN{{HUGS}} for dealing with way more than you should have to right now (or ever).

Absolutely ridiculous behaviour from your husband and I’d be reading him the riot act. The sleeping away during the week must stop immediately, he’s opting out of family life and he’s opting out of your marriage by doing so imo. An hour commute isn’t far at all particularly on top of a short working day.

My commute was an hour in the morning early and an hour and a half in the evening , on a good day.
I did this for years.
He is an idiot.

So this has been going on for four months since the birth of your twins? You poor thing Op. It’s simply not sustainable. He has, other than earning, and three weekends at home, completely abandoned his responsibilities as a husband and father.

Of all the twattiest husbands written about on Mumsnet, I think this is one of the very worst examples. I feel livid on your behalf Op.

In fact twattiest is too benign a description of him. How can he even live with himself? How can he look in the mirror? How can his grandparents bear to look at him? The fact that he is not reeling with shame when challenged is very telling. And he is the one not speaking to you? Words fail me frankly.

Does he have any idea what it takes to look after twins? How on earth can he sit down to dinner with his gps and relax and sleep at night knowing you are at home struggling? Can a member of your family ring him up and tell him what he thinks of his behaviour? It’s utterly despicable!

I think if he doesn’t stop this right now you honestly have grounds to leave him because it’s getting to the point that you will never forget this and it will always be a stumbling block in your marriage.

Was he with you at the birth? Did he take any paternity leave? How are you getting any sleep at all? Does he really think that his role only extends to bringing in an income and now you have twin babies it’s ok for him to do less childcare than he did before they were born?

It’s not my place to speculate, especially when you say he was a very involved dad with your eldest, but the timing of this seems suspicious to me. How did he come to lose his job? And what was his reaction to you having twins?

Sorry but someone who is capable of doing what he is doing to you right now Op, letting you down at a time when you need him the very most, is entirely capable of dreaming up this scheme to avoid responsibility. Be careful, I sincerely hope it isn’t, but do you think this could be strategic?

Other than severe depression, extreme stupidity, overwhelming anxiety or stress and fear, and even then he would be treading on extremely thin ice, what is his fucking excuse? 😡. Tiredness? Hah! Doesn’t he see the huge irony in that?

Ultimatums are never usually productive, but I think in this instance, you would be entirely justified in presenting him with one op. Keep strong 💐

It was never supposed to be this way. He constantly told me before leaving he would be home every night. Last week I was not feeling my best he only suggested what medicine I should take and try to get rest when I can and he would be home in a few days.

Yes and that is what I plan on doing. Even if it's just for a day I deserve it.

So if you leave you're only taking one of the kids with you?

He has an office job.

Yes he is not home during the week. Which is when I need him the most. If he needed to stay over a couple days fine I understand he could be tired. But all week is way too long.

I have tried explaining it to him. I have tried my hardest I don't understand why he doesn't get it coming from me. I have not asked anyone to speak to him about this because it's embarrassing. With our twins things are the complete opposite. He was home every night with our oldest. Him losing his job was tough and I understand he wanted to get back to working. But I feel like we're his last priority.

Yes if he's home and I go shopping I take one of our children but I'm never away for long.

How can he be too tired? If it’s standard office hours he leaves at eg 8am and is home by 6pm.

How far away is home for you? I’d be off there tomorrow and figure the rest out later.

i don’t know how you can bear to look at it him when he does decide to honour you with his presence.

Might as well divorce tbh. You’re already a single parent. I’m so sorry OP I have no words for how insanely selfish this man is. You keep saying it’s a long way, but it’s not, it’s a fairly standard length for a commute that many of us are doing to work and back every day! There’s no excuse for this, he just cannot be fucked participating in family life, and in that case get rid of the dead weight.

Wow that’s insane. My DH works a longer day plus an hour (at least) commute but still manages to do bedtime every night with our toddler.

As he gets up early my compromise is he sleeps in the spare room so he can gets a full nights sleep. I’m breastfeeding our newborn anyway so he can’t really help.

I really feel for you - our families live a few hours from us so like you we don’t have hands on help. I don’t know how you’re doing it with twins and it’s not like you can even stay with family as your DD will have school.

surely he can see what it’s doing to you and how selfish he is being. You must really love him as I couldn’t deal with that for a minute.

I assume Op means that when she goes out at the weekend, she takes a child with her, because he can’t cope with all three at once?

She’s not talking about only taking one child with her if she leaves her dh!

Can’t believe Op has to do the shopping as well! The man of the house really is useless!

Your DH has just won the Mumsnet award for prick of the year. What an absolute joke he is. A dead loss. Ducking useless.

Honestly you can do better and the sooner you and your children move on from this selfish idiot the better.

Sending a huge hug .

My blood is boiling for you. I think this behaviour is one of the most disgusting I have read on Mumsnet. Your husband is a disgrace. An hour commute is less than most Londoners have. He's checked out of family life. I would threaten to leave if he doesn't come home every day and follow through with it. What a coward

@KittyMittyDooDah don't be such a prick! Not everyone on MN is in the UK on the same timezone. I'm guessing from the way she writes that she is in the USA.

An hour travelling is nothing. I used to do that with a train, tube and bus every day, sometimes there were delays and cancellations so it took longer. That's quite normal for many of us.

Your man is useless, frankly. Is he a baby? You'd be no worse off on your own.

@ambeRe

Similar situation but only two kids - one with an EHCP/SEN.

Thing is, I think I’m more pissed if when he is around - because he does no housework, or rather only does the housework that he ‘enjoys’ (cooking but leaving an almighty mess).

I’ve changed my job so I can do all housework/mental load/childcare needs.

I see DP as the financial security.

We are mostly on friendly terms (when I see him) but no ‘intimacy’. I don’t want it or miss it particularly. If I want social interaction, I’ve got great friends.

So it’s no way an ideal set up, but I think the alternative of finding my own house, full time job, no help with finances etc would be worse. I can be present for the children before/after school and take them to activities. Absolutely adore my children, they are utterly amazing, I love being their Mum.

The thing that pissed me off most is housework/mental load but it’s honestly easier if he is not there. If he is there, I fume more about why he’s doing fuck all. It’s been ‘man flu’ all weekend which has driven me mad. Strikes particularly badly when he doesn’t want to do something, magically gets better when the football is on…

He's too tired!! 😡

I'm raging for you OP. I have no idea how you've been going it alone, for a month, with twins! If moving back home will get you help and support, I think you do it (even if it's not permanent).

I can’t sleep now for rage over this 😂

I think I’d try kill with kindness and suggest he need to see the GP for tiredness and then bring it up with the grandparents how concerned you are and how much DD misses him- see what they think of the situation. Ask how he seems after work and how tired he really is!!

Also, tell him you are looking at getting a cleaner in to help out and if he doesn’t like that suggest at the weekends be batch cooks and sorts out school uniforms etc. If he can’t do that then you know he’s being selfish as surely he should be bending over backward to support you!

other than that, say this isn’t what was originally planned and ask if he is considering looking for a job closer to home. Say it can’t be good for him to be working to the extent he can’t handle a normal commute and should look for something else (again, the concerned wife approach).

I so feel for you- I just can’t imagine how crap you
must feel!

He’s taking the piss out of you.

Tell him he either commutes or it’s over.

Or up in the night doing one of the many night feeds with twins.