My husband is pissing me off!!

[ambeRe]

My husband and I I have been married for 8 years. 3 kids together our last being twins a month old. He lost his job and 2 months before my due date he accepted a job a hour away from home. He told me things would stay the same but has been staying over with his grandparents while he's working. He works Monday-Friday he leaves Monday morning and returns Friday after work. I'm exhausted he gets off work and wants to talk until he goes to sleep. Some days he gets off and goes sight seeing or out with friends and I'm home alone with our babies.

I have told him we either move or he comes home at night. He told me things would not be like this for long. It's been like this since being discharged from the hospital. The past couple of weeks I just don't have any words for him and now he's not speaking to me. I'm taking on the job of 2 parents and I'm drained. I'm so fucking pissed I don't want to talk to him most days. He either does not care or he does not understand how hard things are for me.

I tried being understanding not anymore. I no longer have a life outside of being a mom. My days are a blur. We moved 4 years ago so I'm not near family. I have amazing neighbors and friends who help when they can, but he should be here. Hearing him out enjoying himself while I'm home with newborn twins and a 6 year old makes my blood boil.

I'm no longer asking him what's next. If things do not change soon I will be moving back home.This is so hard on me. I go without eating because I just do not have the time. I'm in the house majority of the time I have my own vehicle but it's a lot being out with small children with no help. I love my babies just sometimes I need a fucking break. Between school drop offs/pick ups, packing lunch, school activities, bottle washing, cleaning, cooking, running errands etc. I'm beat by 2 pm.

What does he want, a job just around the corner from your home. An hour is nothing!

Tell him he comes home everyday or he needs to find another job. This cannot continue.

@ambeRe

He has an office job & can't manage a 1hr commute???? That's pathetic. Billions of people do that every single day - it's completely normal in this country. He's using it as an excuse to avoid the incredibly hard job of raising small people!

I would be fucking raging if I was stuck at home all week, trying to juggle 3 kids, while my partner was living the single life & probably being doted on by his grandparents, an hour up the road!

Tell him to get his priorities sorted, get his stupid ass home every day & step up to his role as partner & father - it's not a bloody weekend only job! Does he not think you're a teeny bit 'tired' every day, too? What a prick.

I would definitely not move house, either - if you have great neighbours & friends where you are, you'll still need them. And why should your 6yr old move schools because her dad is a lazy twat??

I wouldn't bother with anything like this, there is no point, it will distress all 3 DC and he will gaslight OP that he found it really easy so he can get back to doing fuck all ASAP.

I think OP just needs to do what is best for her w/o factoring her H's opinions, he has forfeited any say imo.

So he wants no relationship or bond with his babies?

Could you speak to his family?

His grandparents can't be thinking this is normal and they are enabling it. Wondered what he's telling them?

Personally if he wasn't listening to me I'd call them and ask them to refuse his sleepovers so he can man the fuck up and look after the humans he's willingly bought into the world.

So he doesn’t even work a full day and only has an hour commute? What an utter wanker. My partner works up to 10hrs a day and has at least an hour commute each way and is always home.

My brother in law is a doctor. He works, at least, 12 hour shifts, sometimes through the night, in a hospital two hours from where they live. He would never pull shit like this. He races home to be with his family and children.

Your husband is so pathetic I could cry. Seven hours a day in an office job one hour away? Fuck off.

wait, he works 7 hours a day, and he's "too tired" to drive home?

I'd be on the phone to him today, telling him, he's home tonight and every single night from this day forward or that's it, I'm done, our marriage is over. I'd make plans to leave the house, go to my parents, some support.

Absolute bustard.

Go to your family in the Easter holidays @ambeRe and come up with a plan together. You need some support.

Urgh don't do this concerned wife approach.
Call his bullshit out for what it is. At least if you are a single parent (which you are anyway) then you know you are on your own with no hope of help and can get on with it.

OP this whole episode could really affect your mental health and you need to make some decisions fast. Check into a hotel this Friday when he is back or take the kids to stay with family for a few weeks for urgent rest. Or get some paid help in (which he should pay for).

An hour commute is standard but he is avoiding home and wonder if he would have done this commute if it was just your DD. He is also not spending any time bonding with the twins. This whole set up is unsustainable.

You need to put in an ultimatum that he comes home every night to parent his children or he doesn't return at all -ever. What a useless f wit I'm so angry for you! You have taken the first step of getting advice. Now talk to your family including his grandparents about all this and let him know that he needs to pull his finger out asap or he leaves the home permanently and don't bother coming back on Friday except to collect his stuff.

I actually don’t think I could come back from this. There’s no way he doesn’t realise that this isn’t right or normal. He must know what he’s doing to you and just not care.

I'm so sorry op you must feel so alone and let down. And knackered!. When my dd had her dc she was a single mum. And we made sure she had help everyday, not just a phone call!. If my son in law behaved this way I'd have ripped him a new arse!. What do the rest of your family think?.

Btw my dd is off to college in a bit. 1:10 journey, one train then a bus. Your dh is a disgrace to not travel home to you.

What a shit bag.

And I don't have anything nice to say about his grandparents either. They're complicit.

I wouldn't discuss any further. Move home. Take care of yourself. Get some sleep, you'll feel better.

Then later you can work out details. Like is it worth staying with him.

He should be racing home to see his kids! Your poor DD, I wonder what she makes of all this and seeing her dad only at the weekend. She might think you have split up anyway!

How the hell are you coping OP? My friend recently had twins, no older children, her hubby took all his annual leave so he could stay home 7 weeks total, then WFH for 7 more. She still had a terrible time when he went back in to the office! It's TOUGH!

I'd put the kids in the car and drove to your family and stay there indefinitely. Message him and tell him where you are and why and then don't reply to him again. See what happens. You need your family at your back and some respite from your kids. Best of luck xxxx

An hour is not a long commute. My child does this to school.

LTB you’re doing it all alone anyway.

This - MY DH has a 55min train journey (so add walk to the station, wait for train, delays, underground at the other end and further walk) and you are looking at 1.5-2hrs each way. WFH one day a week, but obv will aims for 3 days per fortnight. Has been doing it for the 20 years we’ve had kids (both SEN so both still at home requiring support). He takes turns with meals etc even though technically I am a SAHM (am a FT post grad student and have been actively the ‘carer’ for one child FT since they were 7). There are days/weeks when he’s shattered/overwhelmed and stressed with work etc, but he will tell me and I take the load that day/week. He reciprocates when the shoe is on the other foot. Sometimes - like where you are now OP - it’s just a bit shit all round and you both have to get each other through.

Your DH needs to step up at home. Or you tell him you are putting the house on the market to move closer to his work.

Using the train sometimes bus if train problems. Adding on rush hour traffic and such it seems to have always taken us the best part of a hour to get to work and back. Even by car it's 40 mins . That just seems normal for most people .
Don't his grandparents find it odd he can't drive home?
Like one other poster said why can't he just stay at his grandparents on a Wednesday to get one night a week if very tired.

Staying away from home because of a 1 hour commute? I've never heard anything so utterly ridiculous in all my life. And the reason is because he's tired. He's tired? HE'S tired?! How utterly pathetic.

Just pack your bags and go home OP. This pathetic excuse of a man has clearly checked out of your marriage. Go and be with your family and give him the divorce he obviously wants but is to chicken to ask for.

I'm so sorry he has behaved in this way.

I'm sorry to say this but I'd find it more believable that he is leaving you rather than the fact he is too tired for a 1 hour journey. That is the least believable option in this scenario.

My personal view is that he is just a pathetic man that doesn't respect his wife and has no interest in raising a family.

Our daughter has a 1hr 15min commute each way to school...

Your husband needs to manage up.

At the very least he can come every other night. Tell the grandparents you cannot cope on your own and get them on side or start looking for maternity nannies and tell him the cost.

Sorry not manage up.. man up..

Can you speak with his Grandparents about this? They are facilitating him. They should be saying he belongs home with his wife and 3 children. You also keep saying he assures you it will change but presumably he then packs clothes for 5 days every Monday? This weekend I'd be saying I expect you not to pack and I expect you home each night. If he doesn't then he's failed the ultimatum basically.

That sound you can hear is the whole working population of London and the surrounding areas pissing themselves laughing at your husband. I live in Zone 3 London and door to door it takes me an hour to get to work (often more if the public transport connections mess up). I am considered to have a pretty easy commute compared with many colleagues.

For starters, I'd arrange with family, friends or book myself into a hotel Friday and Saturday night (alone, no kids), so you can have a break and think straight.

Secondly I'd start to look into what you need to do to move closer to your family. Clearly he's a selfish wamker with no intention to make the situation any better, so in your shoes op I'd move back closer to family. You can start to plan on your weekend away .

I’ve never had a commute less than an hour. (London to London central).
my husbands is currently 1.5 each way.

I’ve done 2 hours each way before (north to south London and back every day)

that is honestly the shittest excuse I’ve heard to avoid being a dad and adequate husband