My husband is pissing me off!!

[ambeRe]

My husband and I I have been married for 8 years. 3 kids together our last being twins a month old. He lost his job and 2 months before my due date he accepted a job a hour away from home. He told me things would stay the same but has been staying over with his grandparents while he's working. He works Monday-Friday he leaves Monday morning and returns Friday after work. I'm exhausted he gets off work and wants to talk until he goes to sleep. Some days he gets off and goes sight seeing or out with friends and I'm home alone with our babies.

I have told him we either move or he comes home at night. He told me things would not be like this for long. It's been like this since being discharged from the hospital. The past couple of weeks I just don't have any words for him and now he's not speaking to me. I'm taking on the job of 2 parents and I'm drained. I'm so fucking pissed I don't want to talk to him most days. He either does not care or he does not understand how hard things are for me.

I tried being understanding not anymore. I no longer have a life outside of being a mom. My days are a blur. We moved 4 years ago so I'm not near family. I have amazing neighbors and friends who help when they can, but he should be here. Hearing him out enjoying himself while I'm home with newborn twins and a 6 year old makes my blood boil.

I'm no longer asking him what's next. If things do not change soon I will be moving back home.This is so hard on me. I go without eating because I just do not have the time. I'm in the house majority of the time I have my own vehicle but it's a lot being out with small children with no help. I love my babies just sometimes I need a fucking break. Between school drop offs/pick ups, packing lunch, school activities, bottle washing, cleaning, cooking, running errands etc. I'm beat by 2 pm.

Also the “I’m too tired” excuse is extra pathetic considering he will be getting a full night sleep at granny’s house whilst you’re up multiple times a night with newborn twins.

The fact of the matter is he has essentially abandoned his family. He has abdicated his responsibility as a husband and a father.

His choice is very simple, commute and participate in family life with responsibility for the children he created. Or be a divorced man living with his nana and paying maintenance like the sad pathetic loser he is.

He's staying over for an HOUR commute?
That's ridiculous.

That's a normal commute and on top of a standard 7 hour office job it's really not a big deal.

I suspect it's just an excuse and he doesn't want to be at home with newborn twins. He's selfish and you and your children deserve much more.

A 1 hour commute is bog standard he needs to return home daily.

My chikdren did a 50 minute commute to secondary school and managed. He is a grown adult and father of 3! Time to behave like an adult.

My dad used to have to get 2 buses each way and was out of the house for about 12 and a half hours a day. He never even complained!

Scary to think these are the types of wimpy men that would be conscripted to save us if Trump keeps going…..

@ambeRe , I've worked away during the week and it was great. I had from 5.30 pm until bedtime to do as I pleased, and a cooked breakfast in the morning.

Compare that to getting a child ready for school, and caring and feeding month-old twins...

Easter hols coming up. I'd plan to pack up and shift to your folks for the school hols if your folks can comfortably accommodate you. Hopefully give you some rest and time to think. Once youve caught up a bit, I'd look at making it permanent. Have a look for school options for eldest etc and telling him this was happening - I would not be putting up with this excuse for a father for any longer than I had to. He is a disgrace.

There's always a new low these twats achieve. Feeling really sorry for you OP. I hope you can move back to your family and get more help.
You will have to put your foot down and tell him to help else this is it, you will be leaving him.

So he is claiming he cannot be home in the week because he has a one hour commute? A one hour commute? I have never heard anything like it, most people I know travel further than that and it’s never even occurred to them as an issue that would take them away from home. There’s a joke in London that no matter how close you live to your work it somehow never takes less than an hour to get there.

Why don’t his grandparents tell him to get home and care for his family? I am so confused. I would tell him it ends today. He is home tonight, or you want a divorce. Then when he is home you can start to process wtf is going on and if you can get past whatever it is.

I used to drive an hour each way to work, in my 50s! Tell him he either drives and shares the load or you leave.

The only possible reason he is doing this is that he wants to check out of parenting or he has an affair partner. I have an hour commute, my partner has 1 hour 15. It’s normal!! I can’t believe with twins he has just left you to it. You need to issue an ultimatum. He moves back and commutes, or you end things and go home. What an arsehole.

Is he earning mega bucks and paying for a day and night nanny, cleaner and housekeeper? Because that is the only circumstances this would be acceptable.

Honestly I'd pack the kids stuff up and drive up to his parents/grandparents for when he gets back from work and go "your turn". Get in the car and drive home. What a crushing disappointment this man is.

I would like his phone number so I can give him a piece of my mind

Completely unacceptable.

For the first 6 weeks you should have support to recover from pregnancy and birth. You should be resting for most of the day. Most fathers would have arranged time off work to provide postpartum care, especially with twins and another child. Do you have anyone who can support you by coming to your home for a few hours each day to look after you? If not, can you and the DC stay with someone?

He works 7 hours a day, 5 days a week. You’re working 24 hours a day, with perhaps a few short breaks, 7 days a week. To care for his children, who he’s equally responsible for caring for. Including newborn twins!

You need to let him know it’s not acceptable. An hour’s commute is pretty common. If he’s really too tired to drive home (dangerous), can he take a bus or train instead? You need help from someone else while he’s out at work or at very least he has meals prepared for you and has done as much other prep as possible to ease your day. He looks after the children and does the housework at weekends to allow you to rest.

Even if he returns home each day, you’ll still be on your own for 9 hours a day. You need support from someone else. Surely, you considered and discussed this when you knew you were expecting twins, even before he lost his job? Or was he entitled to paternity leave/annual leave with the previous job?

This is completely unacceptable. A one hour drive commute is nothing. He should be home every single night after work supporting his family. If he cannot -or will not - do this then I would be taking the children and moving back closer to home, near people who will support and help me. What an AH!

Also, I don’t want to unnecessarily worry you, but are you sure he’s staying with his grandparents? Are you sure he even has a new job?

I can't believe how furious I am about a stranger on Mumsnet. Seriously, I don't even think I'd be able to gain back any love or respect for him if he started coming home now, because he's already gone too far. But if you don't want to ltb immediately then you definitely need to give him an ultimatum of he comes home or he no longer has a wife!! What an arsehole. Sorry op x

An hours drive isn't the end of the world. I used to do that (did it for 12 years). My commute now (public transport) is over an hour - as is a lot of peoples - I still make it home for my child.
Sounds like he just doesn't want to deal with 3 kids - especially through the night wakings.

I don't normally say this - but I'd be giving him an ultimatum and meaning it. He can either come home every night and take part in family life - or its finished and he can stay at his grandparents for good. This is not fair on you (for context my brother has a minimum 1 hour 30 min commute (each way) - he wouldn't dream of not coming home).

I drop my kids off at the childminder's at 7:15am each day, then drive the hour to my job to start at 8:30, work 8 hours, drive the hour back and pick the kids up. At no point has it ever even remotely entered my head that this is some kind of unreasonable venture. Can't even begin to describe how contemptuous your DH is being here.

My commute is also only 15 miles through horrendous traffic as well - I'd probably prefer it if it was an hour straight on a motorway or something.

A one hour commute each way plus a 7hr working day?

Must be one of the shortest working days I've heard of!

What is there that is more attractive than coming home to see his wife & kids?

Claiming to be too tired to drive after 7 hours in an office job is just ridiculous. I'm surprised his grandparents are enabling this nonsense. Tell him he needs to shape up now and parent his children if he wants to stay married.

He's being such a dick. Sorry OP. Hopefully you can show him this thread and he can see how unreasonable he's being. So many people work a normal day in an office and make that sort of commute. Sorry you're having such a rough time x

Ok, take a deep breath. Let me tell you a secret about men, many will only help you if they see it affecting them. So, here's what you do, you do what you need to do with the kids and if you are too tired to do stuff for him, then so be it, let it happen, without arguing or saying a word, just genuinely being too tired to do stuff. If he complains, then apologise and keep trying to do it but relax with it and be too tired to do it. He should then take note. And shh, keep that secret to yourself. And do with caution with abusive men

After that, you need a break now really. Start with putting up a basic scribbled routine up for you and the kids. Make sure you eat/snack regularly and Just concentrate on the kids stuff and self care and the rest can slide naturally for now. Then root out someone to help you, parents, an older teenager with lots of energy whos dying for their first job, crèche,etc. You can deal with your husband when you feel able.

OP, fellow twin mum here.

Sack him off. Newborn twins are brutally all-consuming and you genuinely don’t have the capacity to deal with his b*llshit and you have 3 children to look after so there is nothing left to deal with him. He gets nothing. Keeping your relationship together at the moment is not your job. Your job is looking after TWO babies (while dealing with a 6 year old…and the house).

You’re in the trenches at the moment so you do what you need to do to make it work. He has shown you he is not going to support you or help you so you move to Plan B. If that’s moving to be near family then that’s what you do. Is DC6 at school? Can you afford to pay someone to come help for a few hours? Tough if he complains about what you do. The only reason you’re having to do it is because he has spectacularly failed at being a husband and a father.

Personally, I’d be so furious with him I wouldn’t text/call him & I certainly wouldn’t be listening to what a lovely time he had out last night. The resentment he is causing is relationship-breaking level, so if he comes back all upset you’re not giving him the attention he wants then that’s on him.

So sorry you’re having to deal with this on top of having two gorgeous babies (the fact that he’s spoiling your newborn experience is also unforgivable). Are you in the UK? My DC are now 9 but I’m still in my baby twin FB groups. I’d be round in a shot if I saw a twin mum struggling. Might be worth a shot.

Good luck xx

A 7 hour day in an office is a pretty short working day and a one-hour commute is pretty standard. I cannot believe that he is 'too tired' to drive home and is happy to leave you alone all week with 4 week old twins and a 6 year old. He has redefined the meaning of 'selfish' and needs a whole new word for his appalling behaviour. I also can't believe that his grandparents are happy with helping to live the life of a single man while you struggle at home with a school age child and newborn twins. They are nearly as bad as he is.

OP should do whatever she wants to do to make her life easier and if this includes leaving him, that is what she should do. She should also be honest about why she is leaving her disgraceful husband.