My husband is pissing me off!!

[ambeRe]

My husband and I I have been married for 8 years. 3 kids together our last being twins a month old. He lost his job and 2 months before my due date he accepted a job a hour away from home. He told me things would stay the same but has been staying over with his grandparents while he's working. He works Monday-Friday he leaves Monday morning and returns Friday after work. I'm exhausted he gets off work and wants to talk until he goes to sleep. Some days he gets off and goes sight seeing or out with friends and I'm home alone with our babies.

I have told him we either move or he comes home at night. He told me things would not be like this for long. It's been like this since being discharged from the hospital. The past couple of weeks I just don't have any words for him and now he's not speaking to me. I'm taking on the job of 2 parents and I'm drained. I'm so fucking pissed I don't want to talk to him most days. He either does not care or he does not understand how hard things are for me.

I tried being understanding not anymore. I no longer have a life outside of being a mom. My days are a blur. We moved 4 years ago so I'm not near family. I have amazing neighbors and friends who help when they can, but he should be here. Hearing him out enjoying himself while I'm home with newborn twins and a 6 year old makes my blood boil.

I'm no longer asking him what's next. If things do not change soon I will be moving back home.This is so hard on me. I go without eating because I just do not have the time. I'm in the house majority of the time I have my own vehicle but it's a lot being out with small children with no help. I love my babies just sometimes I need a fucking break. Between school drop offs/pick ups, packing lunch, school activities, bottle washing, cleaning, cooking, running errands etc. I'm beat by 2 pm.

I would be telling him that the next time he didn't come home I would change the locks and file for divorce. I'd also tell the grandparents that if they let him stay they would soon be getting him full time as he would not have anywhere else to live.

I wouldn't do that to someone I loved, OP. Would you? Because it seems pretty clear that he doesn't love you.

He sounds so utterly selfish. An hours commute is pretty standard. I can’t understand how he can even just this to himself let alone anyone else. Tell him it changes now or you are leaving him.

What an absolute pathetic wimp he is. My last job was a two hour drive there and a two hour drive back and he can't manage an hours drive. It's obvious he doesn't want to look after his own kids. I'd be fuming.
I'd go back to my family and ditch this selfish stupid man.

Love this- so true😅about leave soon to squeeze myself onto the tube for my hour commute!!

I agree!

I’m sorry, this sounds hard. A 1 hour commute is no big deal at all. My commute is 1hr 15 and my husbands 1hr 30 or more. We live in Greater London and that’s what a lot of people do. I think he’s being selfish. I can understand the odd night but Monday to Friday is ridiculous. His position then is because it’s so tiring for him to commute, you have to be exhausted to facilitate that. Why does his fatigue trump yours? Especially when you’ve just given birth! I honestly think he’s an idiot. I cannot see how this is fair or kind.

My husband drives that far every day, leaves the house by 6am and finishes work early to collect our 3 dc from school and nursery. If I were you I’d want to carve him up with a rusty spoon, so I suggest walk out on Friday night, possibly come back Sunday, and plan moving home. He doesn’t get any say in what you and the kids do, the way he’s acting he doesn’t want any role in their lives.

I can't imagine my daughter's dad leaving me to do everything while she was a newborn, and that was just with one baby, let alone TWO newborns and another child! Please pack up yours and the kids' stuff today and go, this is horrible!

OP believe me he 100% gets it. The fault is not with you for not explaining it properly. You’re basically a single parent now- start acting like it. Act in your best interest from not on. What would be best for you personally?

Is he having an affair or does he hate having a family and the responsibility it brings?

It is at least one of these things.

Sorry OP. This is awful. Unforgivable.

Wow OP, what an absolute cunt. He should be ashamed of himself.

Oh OP you poor thing. I'm so sorry. And in your altered hormone state as well.
I wish I could come over and give you a hug and help with your kids for a morning.
I hate him
I think you should show him this thread really

I’ve been in the situation where we discovered my bil had a second family.
Have you spoken to the grandparents.

I’m speechless with anger on your behalf @ambeRe .
If the twins are bottle fed walk out the door the minute he returns on Friday night and book yourself into a hotel for 2 nights of blissful sleep and room service. Return on Sunday to have a serious conversation with a broken man about how to more fairly split the load. He could be around for 14 hours out of every 24 to help with dinner and bedtime and do a late feed so you could get one decent block of sleep. What a selfish wanker!

It's an hour's commute?! I thought you were going to say it was four or five! He should be ashamed leaving his wife to cope with newborn twins. I'd love to know how he's explaining this set-up to his new work colleagues and his grandparents and friends.

I think it's time for an ultimatum. Either he starts coming home every night or you are moving yourself and your DC back to where your family live.

OP? If you leave you will take one of the kids… but he leaves every week and leaves you will them all? Re read that. You are supporting his lack of being able to be a parent.

Agree with others and would be inclined to know if there is anyone else involved (unsure if anyone else had said this).

Most people I know have a 50-60 min commute. It is nothing short of ridiculous to stay away all week due to this - and would give me the absolute ick for him if I am being honest with you.

What I'm wondering is, if he did come home would he actually do any childcare/cooking/cleaning up? It's obvious he's staying away because he knows It's a hard knock life at home with twins and a 6 year old so that's why he's staying away. If he did come home he might sink down in the sofa saying he's tired and need to relax. For hours. Which would be even more infuriating. I preferred when my DH wasn't around because he had no patience with the kids, especially the autistic one who was/is a handful. Hearing him yelling "arcticmonkeys, they are doing this/that" really made my blood boil". I was/am a sahm but when they were small it was relentless especially with one kid with a disability that made it impossible to educate him as you would a regular child- you couldn't tell him off but had to physically be there and remove him at all times. So I still feel resenful over all the times he told me "I work, I need to relax every night and week-ends". I tolerate him because he feeds us and enables me to be available for the kids and also have some time to myself during the day now they are older. But I don't feel guilty about that because I know I'm the one responsible all mornings/evenings/nights/ week-ends/holidays so I merit the hours I have during the day. While he probably sees it as I'm living the good life.

So OP, yes, tell him to get home. But also when he gets home tell him what you expect If him practically. ESPECIALLY If you plan to go back to work or you will be burnt out. He needs to step up or being thrown out.

An hour's commute is normal. Staying with your granny during the week, leaving your wife to bring up a child and 2 babies alone isn't normal.

I'd be seeing a divorce lawyer.

He just walks out of family life mon-fri over an hours commute - what an absolute pisstaker

He mans up and does what is not an exceptionally long commute or You're right you move nearer or he changes jobs

He's their dad and you do it all the time. The least he owes you is a break when he's home, not you still having to do childcare when he's home while he gets to live like a single man 4 nights a week. Lots of people commute more than an hour, there's no justification for him staying elsewhere to avoid a 1 hour commute when he's a parent let alone when you have twin babies to look after.

I'd move back home. I don't normally jump to leave. But in this situation he's set the bar and decided it's perfectly acceptable to disappear if you don't like a situation. If he can do it, so can you. Fairs fair.

Oh and for what it's worth. My husband is physically disabled and fatigue is a huge part of that due to the extra effort he has to put in to walking. He commutes just under an hour each way via public transport. He still comes home every night. Your husband has no excuse.

He gets it, he's not a complete idiot, he just doesn't care if you're burning out because he comes first and way ahead of the rest of you. He's a garden variety entitled arsehole who thinks being a man and working means he deserves uninterrupted sleep and time to relax no matter what that costs you or his kids. He knows, he gets it, he's chosing to put himself first no matter what it costs.

He doesn't even need to stay over a couple of nights, don't even concede that.

He works an office job, 7 hours a day.
He has it easy.

A one hour commute is normal.

He's being selfish and dishonest.

He can't face the new babies, it's not about being tired and having a commute.

You'd be better off without him tbh.

I know you're tired and overwhelmed but this can't continue. Either he comes home every night or rheow him in the bin.

Jesus Christ what have I just read!

1 hours commute is entirely normal and a 7 hour working day is short. I cannot believe he’s doing it and people (grandparents) are enabling it.