AIBU to leave DH and start a family?

[spottedinthewild]

Need some brutally honest advice .. DH & I have an adult DSD, no children of our own. I am 34F and desperate to start a family. It consumes my every thought, and has been a constant for the last 3-4 years. I love DH immensely and have no desire to be with anyone else.

I have had this discussion with DH so many times. At first he was adamant that he'd only consider adoption, that was fine. Now he is just not willing to even discuss it. He constantly tells me pregnancy would injure me (I have a spinal injury) despite my consultant telling me I'd be fine. It's clear he doesn't want children.

I have a well-paid job, good benefits and could easily afford to live on my own and support a child. I am considering leaving, using a sperms bank and being a single mum. Am I completely mental?

YABU - Don't wreck a life that is great otherwise, this feeling will pass!
YANBU - It won't pass & you'll regret it, you can survive being a single mum!

Your first responsibility to making you happy is to yourself.

If you stay with DH and think you'd end up living a life of resentment and regret then you have to do what you need to do.

Plenty of people manage it alone and sounds like financially you're secure.

Hi. A subject close to my heart. I went through a decade of ivf. Fortunately my DP also wanted the same.

I'm sorry to say the longing never goes away. I appreciate that you love your hubby but this will only end in regret.
Unfortunately I think you'll have to cut and run here and either find a new partner or begin the journey having ivf as a single woman.
Good luck x

I don't think anyone can choose for you.

For some people this feeling will pass. For some people it won't, and it plagues them.

You will not be unreasonable whatever you choose to do. A partnership is more then just loving someone, it's sharing a life together. If the life with him is not what you want, then it's not a good partnership.

It’s more than you want kids and he doesn’t. It’s that he doesn’t care that he is refusing to discuss an issue that is hugely important to you. He’s making up medical facts to shut you up and shut conversation down. That’s mean and says a lot about his attitude towards you irrespective of children.

Now now! Get that sperm bank appointment booked in and kick off the process before everything finalised with DH otherwise you’ll waste vital time.
I had DD at 34 - best thing ever in life.
a friend left it too late (egg freezing etc at 37) and she’s consumed by unhappiness at never having had children

Based on personal experience I'd say leave and crack on with getting pregnant if children are important to you. You may love him, but you'll love your child more and you'll regret not trying. That will likely only get worse

Resentment is a relationship killer and it sounds like it's already creeping in. He's changed his mind on adoption, and you still want children. If you stayed married I can't see how it would be a happy marrige.

Your DH has been honest with you about not wanting children but that’s his need. Yours is wanting a child.
It’s not the things you do you regret but the things you don’t.

Exactly this. You're young you can have a whole other life, he doesn't care about your needs. Go get your baby.

Is he much older than you? How old is DSC?

Do what you feel you need. Simply from what I've read dh has a daughter you don't have any children and he doesn't want anymore. Is that right. Only you know what you need to do. I've been in similar situation and I left....I've a dd with a lovely dh now.

Dh and I have been together since we were very young so most of our lives now. (We are mid 40s.) We are happy.

But there is no way that I would have been willing to sacrifice having kids for him.

I wanted another child and we couldn’t have one and the longing has never gone away, even though I’m now in my mid-40s and I know it can’t happen. That was for another child. If I were you, I’d leave and start a family without him.

Tbh, you’re young and you can still meet someone else. You don’t necessarily have to do it alone.

I know you love him very much, but if you want a baby and he doesn’t (and you shouldn’t force him into a corner on this one - just like he shouldn’t make things up to tell you you’re incapable of having one), then you really do need to go.

YANBU. You really only do live once and it’s precious. You’re a good age for it and sounds like in a good position financially.

I know 2 lone mothers, lone from conception. Both thriving. Looks a hell of a lot easier than parenting with an unwilling man.

I'm 100% in the cut and run camp.
I'm also intrigued as to why he would only consider adoption in the first place. He seems to have a weird issue with you being pregnant. Was the mother of your stepchild ill or something? He sounds a little bit traumatised perhaps?

What has he been relying on to prevent pregnancy?

Are his concerns regarding the effects of pregnancy in your health genuine?
I think if they are then he is being reasonable to raise this, as potentially you could end up ill and he is concerned he would be the one looking after a baby (he doesn't want). Also if his concerns are true, leaving him to have a baby alone could also be a dangerous idea. What would happen if something did go wrong? Would you still be able to care for a baby and hold down a job? or if left disabled would this mean you wouldn't be able to afford your own home and no longer have the good life?

It's odd isn't it? Is he in a well paid job @spottedinthewild?
It's not something like he's not and it's all about inheritance for HIS dc as he think adoption means he could leave them out?

Sit him down today and tell him you’re leaving to be a mum. It never leaves you. Your dh has a dd he cannot know how you feel.

So you have a child alone and something happens to you medically what then? Who will care for the child? Is it really fair on a child to deliberately have one without a father?

It is not just about you when you create human life

Have a child . Your longing / love for DH will diminish over time . The longing for a child will be lifelong and full of regret if you don't .

So you're either going to be

1. 75 and hate and resent him because he stole your life and you never got to have the children you desperately wanted, or
2. you put your own wants, needs desires in a box and pack them away to open as a shoulda woulda coulda moment when you're 50 (see point 1)

your wants are poles apart, that's not a relationship maker.

I'm always struck by the difference between the tone of threads depending on whether posters are deciding whether to have a baby or adopt a dog. The former is a much bigger decision but the latter apparently requires much more consideration!

What other family support do you have? Yes, single parenthood is possible but it requires planning and luck in order to be successful. There are often threads on here by single mums who have a crisis/emergency and no one to look after their kid(s), e.g. if they have to go into hospital.

"Going to a sperm bank" isn't as simple as that. Children now have the right to know their donor fathers at 18, and to find their donor siblings.

I would go straight to a fertility clinic to discuss and get tests done immediately on your fertility just to check that there is no obvious reason a solo pregnancy wouldn’t work so you can make a fully informed decision.

You could stay and later on your relationship break down anyway and you’d have given up your dream of a baby