Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to leave DH and start a family?

340 replies

spottedinthewild · 09/03/2025 07:12

Need some brutally honest advice .. DH & I have an adult DSD, no children of our own. I am 34F and desperate to start a family. It consumes my every thought, and has been a constant for the last 3-4 years. I love DH immensely and have no desire to be with anyone else.

I have had this discussion with DH so many times. At first he was adamant that he'd only consider adoption, that was fine. Now he is just not willing to even discuss it. He constantly tells me pregnancy would injure me (I have a spinal injury) despite my consultant telling me I'd be fine. It's clear he doesn't want children.

I have a well-paid job, good benefits and could easily afford to live on my own and support a child. I am considering leaving, using a sperms bank and being a single mum. Am I completely mental?

YABU - Don't wreck a life that is great otherwise, this feeling will pass!
YANBU - It won't pass & you'll regret it, you can survive being a single mum!

OP posts:
LoztWorld · 10/03/2025 20:02

crumblingschools · 10/03/2025 19:59

@LoztWorld you obviously don’t get it, it’s not about stability and loving parent

Agree to disagree. I believe a good childhood very much is about stability and having at least one loving parent.

Krop · 10/03/2025 20:03

This is pretty clear cut.

You want a child, now.
He doesn't want a child ever.

You are incompatible and will forever resent him for taking away your chance to be a mother. Splitting seems the best option.

Blondeshavemorefun · 10/03/2025 20:22

BunnyLake · 09/03/2025 13:18

A vasectomy in your twenties seems quite drastic if you're actually still open to the idea of having children. I’ve never come across it myself and would be quite stunned if my sons (both 20s) said they were having one but might still consider a family in future.

Show quote history

Tbh I’m amazed he was allowed /got one

a friend with 3 kids wanted to be sterlalized at 25 and doctors refused her

as too young. She had kids

he didn’t and managed to get a Vasectomy

BIossomtoes · 10/03/2025 20:24

You can get anything if you’re prepared to pay for it.

BunnyLake · 10/03/2025 20:30

Blondeshavemorefun · 10/03/2025 20:22

Tbh I’m amazed he was allowed /got one

a friend with 3 kids wanted to be sterlalized at 25 and doctors refused her

as too young. She had kids

he didn’t and managed to get a Vasectomy

Show quote history

Yes a bit odd. I can’t really understand the logic of it.

BunnyLake · 10/03/2025 20:33

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 09/03/2025 16:05

I didn't pick either option as I don't think you should stay with a man who doesn't want children, but I also think it's incredibly selfish to deprive a child of a father (or second parent). Everyone saying "put yourself first", err how about put the theoretical child first who would not choose these circumstances.

I’m a single parent, not by choice. I would never choose it over having two loving, stable parents. I certainly would never deliberately choose it.

Blondeshavemorefun · 10/03/2025 20:42

Is it worse to have a child with a man /dad who then buggers off and never sees his kid or pays any maintenance

v

a mum using ds

both are wanted kids. Both won’t have father in their lives

first one surely the child would feel sad that their dad doesn’t want to know them

v

having no dad in their life but knowing wanted

crumblingschools · 10/03/2025 21:21

@Blondeshavemorefun genetic history is important. Not being given an option to have a dad

Blondeshavemorefun · 10/03/2025 21:26

I am torn on this tbh

if op wants to be a mum then that’s fair enough. I can understand her urge as took me 10yrs to have dd

Milosc · 10/03/2025 23:36

OP, have you sat your DH down and told him quite bluntly that not having children is a deal breaker for you and that you are considering divorce in order to have children? I am not saying to force his hand, but does he really understand that you are willing to give up your marriage over your desire to have a child? Some men think it is a passing phase that you will get over.

I do think it is sad you had a plan to have them together and now it has changed. Why has he changed his mind? Is he that opposed for a reason you understand and agree with? Is there a compromise you can find together? It is important to be brutally honest with him though. It may still end in divorce, but at least you were honest with him.

Firefly1987 · 10/03/2025 23:44

LoztWorld · 10/03/2025 19:37

Hmmmm. I think the vast majority of people have children in circumstances that are suboptimal for one reason or another. So perhaps having only one parent is not ideal, but it’s still better to have one good stable parent than two useless or even just disinterested parents, or be born into extreme poverty, or witness a traumatic divorce, or any other number of factors that may influence a child’s outcomes. Almost no-one’s situation is perfect, and even if it is, unexpected things can happen.

Being a loved and wanted donor-conceived child of a committed, financially stable parent (assuming all this applies to OP!) just doesnt seem that bad to me. Not compared to many of the mundane situations out there that people are less likely to comment on.

Show quote history

That's you though-I think it sounds awful being deliberately deprived of a father and his entire side of the family. Maybe you need to think about it a bit more?

autumngirl714 · 10/03/2025 23:50

I'm a single parent OP, I have two boys.

For the best part of it, I love doing it on my own. No other parent to battle with or opinion to listen to 🙈 I get to raise my boys with values that are my own and not dim them to fit someone else. I live our close bond and all the special things we get to do, just us three.

Down falls - money and availability. It can be lonely and it's hard to see all the other happy families, particularly on the big holidays like Christmas or birthdays.
I'm also sad my boys aren't growing up seeing a respectful relationship between two parents. I worry they won't have that example for when it's their turn (if they choose so!).

For the best part of it, I am very happy, but it's not always easy and it comes with a lot of sacrifices!

TwinklySquid · 11/03/2025 07:44

There is only so much you can plan. Lots of people have kids without planning.

I was in a relationship which broke down. My child sees her dad every other weekend and we get on. Things do happen when you least expect it.

I think leaving your husband in this situation is the right thing for you.

LoztWorld · 11/03/2025 19:10

Firefly1987 · 10/03/2025 23:44

That's you though-I think it sounds awful being deliberately deprived of a father and his entire side of the family. Maybe you need to think about it a bit more?

Show quote history

Or maybe we simply have different opinions and neither one of us needs to think about it more.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page