AIBU to leave DH and start a family?

[spottedinthewild]

Need some brutally honest advice .. DH & I have an adult DSD, no children of our own. I am 34F and desperate to start a family. It consumes my every thought, and has been a constant for the last 3-4 years. I love DH immensely and have no desire to be with anyone else.

I have had this discussion with DH so many times. At first he was adamant that he'd only consider adoption, that was fine. Now he is just not willing to even discuss it. He constantly tells me pregnancy would injure me (I have a spinal injury) despite my consultant telling me I'd be fine. It's clear he doesn't want children.

I have a well-paid job, good benefits and could easily afford to live on my own and support a child. I am considering leaving, using a sperms bank and being a single mum. Am I completely mental?

YABU - Don't wreck a life that is great otherwise, this feeling will pass!
YANBU - It won't pass & you'll regret it, you can survive being a single mum!

Did you not have this discussion before you decided to get married?

Do what's right for you. Unfortunately time isn't on your side (unfair for women I know) so if having children is really important to you investigate your options now and decide on what's best. You don't want to look back with regret!

It’s selfish to deliberately bring a child into the world with only half the parenting they deserve, but YANBU to leave your husband because you want different things out of life.

I would have done this if Id needed to. I know for some people its a harder decision because they weigh the partner and the children more similarly, but for me if Id had to make a choice it would always have been to have kids. As it is the partner turned out to be an abusive arsehole so I'm there anyway as a single mum. You already resent him over this, that doesn't go away and will only get worse. Chose the thing you can't live without, it sounds like for you that is children.

Yes he's well paid. Honestly I think he just enjoys his freedom, he gets to do what he wants, when he wants. DSD is not biologically his and he chose to have the snip young. He has accepted the fact that DSD sees him as her Dad and he wouldn't change that and he is there for her. DSD will be well looked after from her DM's side, so no issue with inheritance.

I think that communication is going to be key here.

Not all families look the same, not all relationships look the same, things don't always have to be conventional if that's not the best fit for you.

You know that you want a child and are happy to have one on your own, you know you love DH and want to be with him.

Why not sit down with him, explain that really honestly and see whether there is any sort of compromise that might let that happen?

As an example, could you live separately for a time whilst you have a baby - effectively go back to dating for a few years?

Hold on, so if he's had the snip how would you get pregnant with him even if he was agreeable?

What other family support do you have? Yes, single parenthood is possible but it requires planning and luck in order to be successful.

What’s the definition of success?
You are infinitely luckier if you get in and do something rather than thinking about it.

I think dogs are different as you need to understand a totally different species.

But there are lots of parents out there that find themselves raising children by themselves? How is this any different? At least there won't be fighting or 'using the kids as leverage'.

You will resent him if you don’t try, so go for it.

That was quite the drip feed. If you always knew you wanted children why did you marry him @spottedinthewild?

Given the update you need to leave and go it alone if having children is so important to you.

You both want different things in life, leave him alone

I'd do it.

The if you stay with DH and the longing and DC doesn't go away, imagine the resentment you have when its finally too late? Imagine how you'd feel towards him in 10 or 20 years time?
The dismissiveness he's currently showing would massively add to that resentment. He's also acting as if his preferences trump yours and you don't even get a say.

I actually doubt any relationship could survive that level of resentment (understandably). So I'd predict that if you did stay together it wouldn't last long term anyway.

In which case you'd have lost out on your opportunity to become a mum AND would end up without your DH regardless

Because you can pay to have sperm harvested and have artificial insemination. It's a common procedure for men who have ED's, or vasectomies that fail reversal.

IVF with his sperm.

Do it.

you want kids. He doesn’t want any more

don’t lose your chance as a mum

my friend used donated sperm and went it alone

I agree you should leave if you want a child.

But you can't be mad at him. He had the snip before you came along. As is his right.

He didn't take children off the table. They were never on it and you chose to pursue.

Him having had the snip is a big sign that he doesn't want children.

It's not a matter you can ever really compromise on either.

If you want kids, you need to separate.

Yep, at the beginning he was agreeable to it but we were in our twenties and had no money, living at home etc. Now we're in a position to do it, and he no longer wants to.

I am not saying don't have a child on your own, that's your choice, no one else's.

But just for arguments sake, IF your spinal issue did cause a problem during or after birth, what are your back-up plans for childcare?

If you think you have all eventualities covered then go ahead if that's what you want.

I did have a longing to be a mum, we adopted. Not saying I regret it, and I love my DS very much and would be devastated if something happened to him now, but life would have been far simpler and much easier without a child -who is now an adult with ND and still takes up a lot of my time and energy.

If you don't you may have regrets, if you do you may have regrets.

No-one on a biased forum can give you sensible advice about something like this.

He's also acting as if his preferences trump yours

But they do. I don't know of any partnership that has survived when the woman wanted a child and the man was either ambivalent or just didn't want one. There are so many threads on MN by women want babies with reluctant fathers and they never end well.

The resentment builds up when everything is left for the woman to do because "you were the one that wanted a baby".

Having children changes a relationship and not always for the better. It can make or break a couple.

IMO if a woman wants a child then both have to be on board or it will never work.

Your last post changes a lot. He's not already got a biological dc and he had the snip young. That's a pretty big decision to make at a young age when you don't have children so I'd assume he has actually been pretty strongly against having his own dc from a young age?
What did he say when you discussed this pre-marriage??

Ultimately it doesn't change my advice to leave and have a DC as ultimately I doubt the relationship would survive the resentment if you don't - then you've lost both

I follow a man on Instagram whose wife is in a wheelchair due to a spinal injury. She gave birth in a unit for women with spinal injuries, twice. I got divorced because my husband told me he didn't want children after ten years together. You have to please yourself in this situation

Tho crossed posted. So your step daughter isnt his by blood so he’s tech a step dad to her / is that right ?

but obv been in her life for years and she sees him as dad

where is her bio dad ?

Well if was me I’d tell him I was going to have a baby and he could be the father or I would use a sperm bank. If he wants to leave then I’d agree to him divorcing me.