AIBU to leave DH and start a family?

[spottedinthewild]

Need some brutally honest advice .. DH & I have an adult DSD, no children of our own. I am 34F and desperate to start a family. It consumes my every thought, and has been a constant for the last 3-4 years. I love DH immensely and have no desire to be with anyone else.

I have had this discussion with DH so many times. At first he was adamant that he'd only consider adoption, that was fine. Now he is just not willing to even discuss it. He constantly tells me pregnancy would injure me (I have a spinal injury) despite my consultant telling me I'd be fine. It's clear he doesn't want children.

I have a well-paid job, good benefits and could easily afford to live on my own and support a child. I am considering leaving, using a sperms bank and being a single mum. Am I completely mental?

YABU - Don't wreck a life that is great otherwise, this feeling will pass!
YANBU - It won't pass & you'll regret it, you can survive being a single mum!

There are so many amazing single parents out there. I think you can do it OP. Would you have a possibility of hiring in help for the postpartum period?

I really disagree with this. It is selfish to bring a child into the world with a shite Dad or a Dad who doesn't want them though.

Thank you! I didn't even consider this as an option!

@sSssssssssssssOOO both scenarios can be selfish, no dad or shit dad. Not fair on a child either way. But OP doesn’t seem to be thinking of the child, just what she wants. A child has a right to know who their dad is

My cousin became a single mother by donor sperm and has absolutely no regrets.
Her child is thriving, she has lots of family support and has a well paid job and her own home so is able to support them both.
I can’t imagine not having children, You only live once OP, go for it x

I have two friends who have had DC by donor insemination by themselves as they felt time was running out.

One never met the right guy. The other left an otherwise happy relationship as he didn't want DC.

I admire both of them so much. Their boldness has made me realise I probably wouldn't have been brave enough to do this, and would have just been unhappy. Which would be a huge waste.

Both of them have beautiful DC - both at primary school now - and are great mums.

Go for it OP. We had only live once.

OP, we are lucky to live in an age and time when doing it on your own is very possible.
And if financially blessed, you can have an even easier time of going it alone.
Only one life, have no regrets.. if it means this much to you.

Yes, that occurred to me.

There are other options apart from single parenthood or living with a man who doesn’t want children, OP. For example, getting a different bloke, who has not already done the parenthood thing and is at a more equivalent life stage to you.

I would leave to have a child. If you want to experience being a mother you will resent him in the future for sure if you stay together. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

You can harvest sperm without reversing the vasectomy? Really?

Edited after Googling. Blimey. He would have to have surgical resection. Can't see him going for that.

I was a single parent 22 years ago. Yes it was hard at times but it was just me and my beautiful daughter. I don't regret it for a second and neither will you.

He's made the decision for you.

Make the decision for yourself.

You are incompatible as a couple over a major subject in which there is no compromise: Having children. You want them, he doesn't. In the early days with you, when he agreed they were something he wanted, had he already had a vasectomy at that stage? You are young enough to leave and start again or go it alone. Love isn't always enough.

Resentment is something you cannot stop consuming you and creeping into every aspect of your relationship.

if you so desperately want this and he doesn’t it’s not going to work out. It could blow up in a months time or five years down the line but the end result will be the same and you will have potentially lost out on being a mother for no good reason because you lost the relationship anyways.

I think that you will feel resentment if you stayed. I think it’s also worth considering how you would feel if you left, but were unable to have children through IVF or otherwise? Is the feeling of wanting to try more than the pain of potentially losing him and your dream of children?

Hire help postpartum and then get a live-in Au Pair or nanny if you can. Or consider multigenerational living if it’s an option with your parents? It gives you so much more flexibility if you have someone live in, just to do little things like pop out to get milk

Aah, all these replies have brought back all my regrets of not having a third child. Definitely go for it OP, the desire won't go away. I look back now and feel so stupid for leaving having children as late as 32 (which a lot of mumsnetters will think is young!). I then (again stupidly) put off trying for another until I was 35, but struggled to conceive/miscarriages, and didn't have my 2nd until I was 38. I know I could have tried for another one after that, but I didn't want to get pregnant again straight away, and then I was in my forties, and just felt like time ran away.

I feel so grateful and lucky for the children I do have - it was the thing I'd been searching for all through my twenties (but didn't realise), and being a mother is the essence of who I am.

Lots of people single parent children, with differing levels of success, often without any choice (accidental pregnancy, loss of partner etc). I don’t think there is any issue if you go down this road, really, but you’d need to be super organised if you don’t have a support network - will your parents help and support, do you earn enough that you could explore hiring a nanny (even part-time) so that you have a second adult on call for crises or to help when you are ill; is your job flexible that you can WFH if DC is poorly and can’t go into nursery etc. Not insurmountable problems, but accumulatively they can be stress inducing if you’ve not planned and thought them through.

My sister stayed with a man who from the outset stated he actively wanted children/marriage. Strung her along until 38 before confessing he didn’t fancy either any more. She was devastated as it was too late to meet someone and start again. She didn’t have the means to go it alone. At 34 you have time to do it via IVF or to meet someone. I’d go for it, but talk it through with your parents if they are still around and sound them out with respect to whether they would be your emergency back up etc. I am guessing there may be forums for other IVF single mums out there that might be able to help you decide?

I left a long term loving relationship over the same issue. The only difference was I was a bit younger than you so had more time. Met DH straight away and we have 3 kids in lease than 3 years and I would change any of them. Married 25 years.

Honesty - if he doesn’t want to make you happy - then he needs to go.

If you've always known he can't/won't be a father then it's you that's changed

How are you proposing getting pregnant if you stay with him?

I know 2 women who raised children as single parents, both were left by their partners when they were pregnant. Both of those children are now mid to late twenties. It was ridiculously hard and those women sacrificed a lot. Both had reasonable careers but money was always short as just the one of them. The only woman I know who was going to go down the sperm donation route was SIL but she was over 40 and after various tests costing quite a lot they said she would never get pregnant with her own eggs. So she didn’t go ahead.

What of the children of the women who raised them alone? I’m afraid the lad of one is obnoxious, dominates his Mother and is unpleasant. The girl, who is my great niece is a lovely lass but has some definite issues about not having a Father and has talked about it openly with me. Within my family there has been a lot of support from us.

I personally wouldn’t recommend going it alone, I only have a sample of two, they both have had really hard lives. Both suffer from health issues that are related to stress.

Before you make any decision get a full fertility check, again a small sample but two of my friends never had children. They had the man and lovely relationships but had huge far reaching issues that meant they never had children.

About a third of my friends have had children and the relationships they want that aren’t just making do. It’s tough out there and even with the best plans life happens.

I’m a single parent by choice by adoption. I’m 60 now and ds is 19. There were hard phases (toddler and teens) and I was lucky to have my mother around and supportive for much of it before she died. I have wondered if it was the best thing for ds from time to time but for me, I have never regretted it.

I have no idea how much harder it is to do it solo as I had no comparison- but I was very financially stable for most of it which helps.

I think you should

I think you're being unfair to ask him what you're asking so you're best going it alone

I can't imagine throwing away everything you have to do something so reckless.

You obviously don't love your DH.

It sounds like an early midlife crisis to be honest.

I'm a similar age to you and no kids, I have a very fulfilled life and I can't imagine discarding my DH because he won't be a sperm donor, or bringing kids into our carefree lives. Swapping breakfast in bed, impromptu weekends away and time with friends, and being able to do anything we want at any time for endless shrieking and wiping up poo and vomit at 6am - no thanks.

You need to start on finding another partner asap or going to a sperm bank.

As a starting point, you should have some tests done to see what your fertility is like.

If ok then, maybe date for a year or two and see if you meet anyone else and if not then go down the sperm bank route.

Your marriage is all but over. You and DH want very different things.

In years to come you will be so thankful when you have a child in your arms. You can do this!