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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to leave DH and start a family?

340 replies

spottedinthewild · 09/03/2025 07:12

Need some brutally honest advice .. DH & I have an adult DSD, no children of our own. I am 34F and desperate to start a family. It consumes my every thought, and has been a constant for the last 3-4 years. I love DH immensely and have no desire to be with anyone else.

I have had this discussion with DH so many times. At first he was adamant that he'd only consider adoption, that was fine. Now he is just not willing to even discuss it. He constantly tells me pregnancy would injure me (I have a spinal injury) despite my consultant telling me I'd be fine. It's clear he doesn't want children.

I have a well-paid job, good benefits and could easily afford to live on my own and support a child. I am considering leaving, using a sperms bank and being a single mum. Am I completely mental?

YABU - Don't wreck a life that is great otherwise, this feeling will pass!
YANBU - It won't pass & you'll regret it, you can survive being a single mum!

OP posts:
Original poster
spottedinthewild · 09/03/2025 08:21

Waterlilysunset · 09/03/2025 08:03

You could stay and later on your relationship break down anyway and you’d have given up your dream of a baby

This is my worry. I love him, but maybe leaving now would give us both a chance at future happiness?

OP posts:
AirborneElephant · 09/03/2025 08:21

The feeling won’t go away. If you’re 34 and desperate to have children then you should do that ASAP. Tell him you’ve made the decision to have a child, get the sperm bank appointment and get going. You can sort out the divorce / relationship later, if you wait for all his inevitable umming and ahing you will lose your chance and if motherhood is what you want I think you’ll regret losing that more than you would regret losing him.

plsd · 09/03/2025 08:22

RampantIvy · 09/03/2025 08:17

He's also acting as if his preferences trump yours

But they do. I don't know of any partnership that has survived when the woman wanted a child and the man was either ambivalent or just didn't want one. There are so many threads on MN by women want babies with reluctant fathers and they never end well.

The resentment builds up when everything is left for the woman to do because "you were the one that wanted a baby".

Having children changes a relationship and not always for the better. It can make or break a couple.

IMO if a woman wants a child then both have to be on board or it will never work.

@RampantIvy I actually agree with everything you've said and would never suggest a man is convinced to have a child they don't want.

It's the fact that he's unwilling to discuss it, doesn't appear sympathetic to her feelings, and, is unwilling to tell her the actual reason why he doesn't want kids (instead pretending it's her health that's the issue).

This is all the bare minimum I'd expect if someone had told me pre-marriage that they wanted dc and later changed the goalposts

Heygal · 09/03/2025 08:22

If you feel strongly about it and you are prepared to do it alone then do it. I’d suggest you start saving for your relationship exit and begin the process at the clinics sooner rather than later so you can understand timescales and costs. Don’t waste your monthly cycles dithering.
I an sad that your husband is not on the same page as you but honestly, if you start the process and explain its this or no deal it will make him reach his own conclusion (which may well be the same stance as already is) but you have stuck to your conviction. Good luck.

DeepRoseFish · 09/03/2025 08:23

You are wasting your fertile years with this man!
Get out asap.

MiserableMrsMopp · 09/03/2025 08:23

This happened to my step mother. She wanted children but my dad didn't want more. They stayed married and she turned into a bitter, angry woman. She should have left him and found someone else to have a family with.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 09/03/2025 08:24

spottedinthewild · 09/03/2025 08:14

Yep, at the beginning he was agreeable to it but we were in our twenties and had no money, living at home etc. Now we're in a position to do it, and he no longer wants to.

Show quote history

Wait, so he'd been married and divorced and had a vasectomy by the time he was in his 20s, and was living with his parents when you met?

Candystripes85 · 09/03/2025 08:24

It’s hard to think of the future but Imagine you are 80, would you regret not having children? or imagine your husband dies in 10 years time when you could no longer have children yourself, would you regret it?

If the answer is yes, then go have your babies!

It’s better to have a baby yourself than having one with someone who doesn’t really want it. The only ones who end up suffering if that situation are the children with the dead beat dad. One of my friends was with someone like your husband, she eventually wore him down so much by constantly asking, he had a kid with her. Not long after they split up and it’s been an absolute nightmare for her ever since. On the flip side one of my friends work colleagues had a baby herself from a sperm bank as she didn’t have a partner and wanted a baby, she’s never regretted it once, only that she didn’t do it sooner!

Original poster
spottedinthewild · 09/03/2025 08:24

Blondeshavemorefun · 09/03/2025 08:19

Tho crossed posted. So your step daughter isnt his by blood so he’s tech a step dad to her / is that right ?

but obv been in her life for years and she sees him as dad

where is her bio dad ?

Out of the picture.

OP posts:
AlphaApple · 09/03/2025 08:26

Overhaul54 · 09/03/2025 08:09

What other family support do you have? Yes, single parenthood is possible but it requires planning and luck in order to be successful.

What’s the definition of success?
You are infinitely luckier if you get in and do something rather than thinking about it.

I think dogs are different as you need to understand a totally different species.

I would say that the definition of success depends on the OP, as all families are different.

I note that OP has asked for "brutally honest" replies but is ignoring anyone who is pointing out the downsides of planned single parenthood.

Original poster
spottedinthewild · 09/03/2025 08:26

MiserableMrsMopp · 09/03/2025 08:23

This happened to my step mother. She wanted children but my dad didn't want more. They stayed married and she turned into a bitter, angry woman. She should have left him and found someone else to have a family with.

I'm sorry this happened to you x

OP posts:
Original poster
spottedinthewild · 09/03/2025 08:27

Bumblebeestiltskin · 09/03/2025 08:24

Wait, so he'd been married and divorced and had a vasectomy by the time he was in his 20s, and was living with his parents when you met?

Show quote history

So was I (minus the snip). We all have baggage.

OP posts:
CaptainCuntchops · 09/03/2025 08:29

It doesn't matter what your husband said about adoption. People are allowed to change their minds, regardless if you agree or are happy with it. Ultimately it's his choice, and the one not wanting children does trump the one that does.

Now, your choice, is to stay in your marriage, or leave to try and have the child you would like. No nonsense like trying to change his mind, it just wastes your time. You're in a hard place, but I hope you come to a decision that will make you happy.

xWren · 09/03/2025 08:29

If you will regret not having children, then yes, leave.
I raised my DD by myself for 6 years (her Dad turned into a completely different person once she was born) and I loved every minute of it.
She had the best of everything and never missed out.
She saved me, she’s my whole world.
I have since met somebody else and now DD2 is due in the summer.

Lyannaa · 09/03/2025 08:31

Wibblywobblybobbly · 09/03/2025 07:21

Based on personal experience I'd say leave and crack on with getting pregnant if children are important to you. You may love him, but you'll love your child more and you'll regret not trying. That will likely only get worse

Agree with this.

banananas1999 · 09/03/2025 08:31

Go..! The day you will hold tour child in your arms you will thabk heaven and stars and everything else that you made this decision. You will never ever in milion years regret having a child, you will sticking with a nanchild that gaslights you and distracts you from living your life the way you want to.

banananas1999 · 09/03/2025 08:32

*sorry for typos :)

bettydavieseyes · 09/03/2025 08:32

I wonder if he has had a vasectomy and not told you? Just one reason he would only consider adoption before..it seems odd, something is off! If hes nit interested in having chikdren im amazed adoption ever came up. Thats a tough process! Either that or he is worried about your body changing. I doubt it's anxiety about your spine if the doctor says it's OK.

I would have an honest chat whether he wants to talk or not. Tell him that now your 34 it's a dealbreaker because you want kids. I got pregnant at 34 and 36 easily but at 37 I couldn't get pregnant at all.

You have to walk away from a person who doesn't share your life goals. Children are a big issue. You may regret not having a child for the rest of your life.

Djchickpea · 09/03/2025 08:33

You think you love him, but the love you have for a child is completely different and powerful

Petra42 · 09/03/2025 08:33

@spottedinthewild in a way be thankful he's been honest to you, at least you can make an informed decision. I have two friends whose partners either said they wanted children or who they hoped would want them. Both still with their partners but both incredibly sad that they didn't have children.

crumblingschools · 09/03/2025 08:34

This all sounds complicated. If he had had a vasectomy young (interesting how difficult it is for a woman to be sterilised young) surely that gives off vibes he doesn’t want more children

I wouldn’t go down the sperm donor route as I don’t think that is fair on the resultant child (and you need to think about the child not just your want to have a child)

mewkins · 09/03/2025 08:35

He had the snip in his 20s despite never having his own child anyway? I'm surprised a doctor agreed to that.
It doesn't indicate that he REALLY never wanted his own children. OP is you want children leave and do it now.

Original poster
spottedinthewild · 09/03/2025 08:36

Petra42 · 09/03/2025 08:33

@spottedinthewild in a way be thankful he's been honest to you, at least you can make an informed decision. I have two friends whose partners either said they wanted children or who they hoped would want them. Both still with their partners but both incredibly sad that they didn't have children.

Honestly I am grateful that he said it now. I'm not really angry with him, just sad, which in a way makes it even harder.

OP posts:
RedCatBlueCatYellowCat · 09/03/2025 08:36

Bumblebeestiltskin · 09/03/2025 08:24

Wait, so he'd been married and divorced and had a vasectomy by the time he was in his 20s, and was living with his parents when you met?

Show quote history

Yet his stepchild is already an adult. And thinks of him as her dad.

fashionqueen0123 · 09/03/2025 08:38

spottedinthewild · 09/03/2025 08:27

So was I (minus the snip). We all have baggage.

Show quote history

It’s pretty unusual for a man in his 20s with no kids to have the snip… most men would put off getting that done for many reasons. I don’t think he ever wanted kids. Ever.