AIBU to leave DH and start a family?

[spottedinthewild]

Need some brutally honest advice .. DH & I have an adult DSD, no children of our own. I am 34F and desperate to start a family. It consumes my every thought, and has been a constant for the last 3-4 years. I love DH immensely and have no desire to be with anyone else.

I have had this discussion with DH so many times. At first he was adamant that he'd only consider adoption, that was fine. Now he is just not willing to even discuss it. He constantly tells me pregnancy would injure me (I have a spinal injury) despite my consultant telling me I'd be fine. It's clear he doesn't want children.

I have a well-paid job, good benefits and could easily afford to live on my own and support a child. I am considering leaving, using a sperms bank and being a single mum. Am I completely mental?

YABU - Don't wreck a life that is great otherwise, this feeling will pass!
YANBU - It won't pass & you'll regret it, you can survive being a single mum!

I didn't pick either option as I don't think you should stay with a man who doesn't want children, but I also think it's incredibly selfish to deprive a child of a father (or second parent). Everyone saying "put yourself first", err how about put the theoretical child first who would not choose these circumstances.

You are still young, you can either find someone who shares your vision for a family, or you can go it alone. It is now neither here nor there how you got into this situation, vasectomy etc. You are clear about what you want, your DH does not share your want for a family. In my opinion, it's best to cut your losses now, and focus on what you want.

Please don't leave it too late, there is a good chance that your relationship will deteriorate, resentment can build up and you will have run out of time.
Act now, sooner rather than later. I wish you all the best.

You’ll regret staying with him until it’s too late and resent him for life. Life is short and a child can bring so much joy to your world

I met a woman at Christmas who did exactly this and she’s is not only raising her DD but giving her the most incredible opportunities whilst doing so.

That's unlikely though isn't it?

She's 34. How long does it take to weed through the degenerates and find a man that's worthy of having a kid. One that wants a kid. And doesn't already have kids of his own?

Say 2,3 years? And it would take a year or 2 of knowing him well enough to decide that she does want him to be the father of her child.
She couldn't be getting pregnant to someone right away.

Maybe she would want to be married first.

And then there's fertility issues when you're approaching 40 for women.

She's not got time on her side at all if she's starting from scratch.

A donor seems the best option.

DH and I could not have children but it never crossed my mind to leave him and find someone else to have children with. I have never regretted that for a moment. What’s the point? I don’t know what my life would have been like if I had had a child. Right now I do know that it is very good indeed.

If I were in your shoes, I would leave. You want a baby, he doesn't. There's no squaring that circle. If you stay, wouldn't your resentment at him changing his mind spoil the relationship.
Hanging all your hopes on DSD having kids isn't an answer. She may not have kids, she may move away, she may not want a hands on DSGM....
Single parenthood is hard, there's no getting away from that. But being a mother has been the hardest, best and most rewarding g thing I have done.
At the end of the day, only you know what us best for you.

@KimberleyClark I mentioned this in a previous post. I think it’s one thing to be in a situation in which you can’t have kids, and you’re both grieving that loss together and supporting each other. It’s totally different to be in a situation in which you want kids but your partner doesn’t, so they get the life they wanted and you don’t.

this is the most sensible post!

If you could not actually have children, what then? keep your marriage? adopt? you have a more informed decision making task then!

Can I give a different perspective. I have two DC. Much wanted after 4 losses. Our youngest is autistic. I have a DH who is amazing and a very hands on dad. Our life is NOTHING like we thought it would be. I couldn't imagine dealing with our two children alone with the additional needs of our youngest. I adore my children and would willingly give my life for them... I'm also not sure that I'd have children again knowing what I know now. That's not saying I regret the ones i have, and as soon as they have their own little personalities you'd never be without them. I just want to be very honest about how hard it can be with a child with additional needs.

One of the saddest things for me recently was an innocent comment my eldest made about his friend who is currently an only child but his friends mum is expecting. DC1 was saying prayers and prayed that the friend wouldn't have an autistic sibling. When I gently asked why, they explained it's really tricky and so tough with the meltdowns and how they have to make allowances for them. We thought we had shielded our eldest from this.

If you're otherwise happy. Is this a deal-breaker for you?

Yes I realize that OP's situation and mine are different but I think in both cases there's an element of believing the grass must be greener on the other side.

@crumblingschools where did I advocate op having a child with a shit dad?

She knows she wants one and she has the means to go it alone and that’s what she should do IMO.

My personal opinion was is that you should pursue your dreams. I totally understand the need to have a baby.
That being said, I do think it is not OK to devoid a child from the outset of having father on some many different levels. I think it would be better option for you to find someone willing to have a child with you.

Don't give up on our dreams but don't go down the route of being a single mother as it is really hard work that noone appreciate until they are in that position.

@LoztWorld you said the OP must must must do everything she can to have a child, that could involve having a child with a shit dad. You see it many times on here and in RL where the partner is absolutely crap but the woman is desperate to have a child so stays with them for that purpose, and hey presto the child has a shit dad.

The child should come first, if you are not in a great position to have a child then don't have a child.

I married a wonderful man who I ( and all my friends and family ) thought would be a perfect dad. We had our own house, both had good jobs etc. Once I had kids with him, I found out he was a cheating scumbag who stole money from our joint business to give to his affair partners . And pretended he was working away from home so he could be with them while I was at home dealing with work and the kids single handed.

I divorced him and now he’s a shit father who never sees his kids and doesn’t pay child support. Unfortunately I didn’t have a crystal ball 🙄

@0ctavia that wasn’t what I said. I was talking about partners who were crap before children came on the scene but women still went ahead and had children with them, or had shown they were a shit dad with first child and then they carried on having children with them

Both my dh and I would have loved more kids. 1Dss. Loved 100%.
Even with ivf it didn't happen (both with issues) and after a couple of attempts we decided to stop.
I LOVE my life, DS and DH but 20+yrs down the line I get emotional at times, reminisce on what might have been, and wonder if we should have tried harder.
we were on the same page and it still hurts, life is too short to stay with someone on such a different page to uou.

I do think he should be told this is your plan, this gives him the chance to change his mind, but if he doesn't then he needs to understand it is the end of uour relationship .

Good luck and hope it works out good for you.

In the vast majority of these posts there is little to no consideration for the life of the child, which I find quite shocking.

There is also very little resilience or ability amongst most to accept that in life sometimes you do not get what you want. Talk of lives being 'ruined' of living with 'constant regret'. And all for something that you do not know how it would have worked out anyway. Sometimes it is necessary to adapt and move forward.

One poster mentions that she has a severely disabled child but would still not have missed out on the opportunity to experience motherhood. Obviously we do not know what sort of life her child is living / will live in the future (and of course I hope they have a happy and fulfilled life). However if I thought that my child may experience suffering or have a challenging life due to a disability, I would not be saying that I still would choose to 'not miss out on motherhood'.

It is not about you and what you want; it's about the child. And if you 'miss out', tough. Adapt, move on and try to be a less selfish person.

I agree @Ginghamsheep
Having a baby these days has become so commoditised and is treated as if it is a basic human right.

There are lots of things in life that I would like but accept that aren't going to happen, so I just get on with it.

Where to start with this nonsense.

Everyone only has children out of selfishness or carelessness. EVERYONE. No one is doing it as some kind of act of charity to their unborn child. They do it because they want a child for their own selfish reasons, or they don’t take precautions to avoid having a child.

Also I don’t know how you think most people end up with a disabled child, but it seems it hasn’t occurred to you we didn’t choose it. I had a child in seemingly ideal circumstances (home ownership, committed relationship of many years, good jobs etc). Yet I had the misfortune to receive a devastating diagnosis - and nonetheless find motherhood uniquely fulfilling. This somehow makes me more selfish than other mothers who are lucky enough to have children with no serious medical issues, does it?

Thanks for your faux concern about my child’s happiness - really feel the empathy coming off your keyboard. They’re not “suffering” i’m sure you’ll be relieved to know 🙄

As for telling women who desperately wanted children to just get over it and move on - how little imagination must you have to not realise it’s not that easy? I have never been in that position, but I don’t need to have been to be realistic about the level of grief involved. Because I’m not a horrifically unfeeling monster.

Finally, OP is 34 and has the opportunity to have a child either by donor or by finding a new relationship. I don’t see why she should just “get over” this when it’s a totally realisable dream and her circumstances seem fine.

In the context of the OP’s post, which in no way suggested she was considering having a child with a “shit dad”, it’s surely clear I wasn’t advising this is an avenue she should go down.

You are entitled to your opinion, I am entitled to mine.

I am childless by circumstance. I know how hard it is to move on when you want a child, but that's what I am having to do. So I don't think I am the 'horrifically unfeeling monster' you kindly describe me as.

@LoztWorld having a child by sperm donor is not optimum for a child. Can cause a number of issues for the child. So no it shouldn’t necessarily be something OP must must do

Okay, sorry you are in that position. I understand your hurtful words came from a place of trying to come to terms with something very challenging. As many of us are.

Hmmmm. I think the vast majority of people have children in circumstances that are suboptimal for one reason or another. So perhaps having only one parent is not ideal, but it’s still better to have one good stable parent than two useless or even just disinterested parents, or be born into extreme poverty, or witness a traumatic divorce, or any other number of factors that may influence a child’s outcomes. Almost no-one’s situation is perfect, and even if it is, unexpected things can happen.

Being a loved and wanted donor-conceived child of a committed, financially stable parent (assuming all this applies to OP!) just doesnt seem that bad to me. Not compared to many of the mundane situations out there that people are less likely to comment on.

@LoztWorld you obviously don’t get it, it’s not about stability and loving parent