AIBU to leave DH and start a family?

[spottedinthewild]

Need some brutally honest advice .. DH & I have an adult DSD, no children of our own. I am 34F and desperate to start a family. It consumes my every thought, and has been a constant for the last 3-4 years. I love DH immensely and have no desire to be with anyone else.

I have had this discussion with DH so many times. At first he was adamant that he'd only consider adoption, that was fine. Now he is just not willing to even discuss it. He constantly tells me pregnancy would injure me (I have a spinal injury) despite my consultant telling me I'd be fine. It's clear he doesn't want children.

I have a well-paid job, good benefits and could easily afford to live on my own and support a child. I am considering leaving, using a sperms bank and being a single mum. Am I completely mental?

YABU - Don't wreck a life that is great otherwise, this feeling will pass!
YANBU - It won't pass & you'll regret it, you can survive being a single mum!

I don't agree with the first option of your poll. Your relationship is not great. Your husband has been stringing you along with false promises. Someone who loves you and cares for you would not do that to you.

Tell him if he won't agree you will be going to a sperm bank. Then it's up go him what he does next.

Sounds more like it was a carrot on a stick- if you truly ever wanted to have children he would have tried to reverse the snip as soon as u had this discussion.

I'm amazed a Dr agreed to perform a vasectomy on a man in his early 20s with no children. You must have known that someone who would take such drastic steps is likely to never want children of his own.

I agree! I think he’s been lying the whole time

Yes I'm really not getting this. How is this possible 🤣

@spottedinthewild I think if you have a super strong relationship, it could work out with no kids but my friend has floated in and out of heavy depression as a result. The other has a huge load of resentment at her husband as he has his kids but she has nothing. Agree with others who mentioned your fertility drops significantly at 37 so bear that in mind. It's a tough decision but in your place, id have split up. I'll bet your husband changes his mind when faced with you leaving though would you want that

I have two had friends who were never with the right partner at the right time and regret never having children. Another friend got pregnant accidentally from a fling, kept the baby and never regretted it. You should follow your heart.

Mum mum has a friend (she's now almost 60) and she gave up children for her DH. Similar situation as he already had a child. She still regrets it now poor woman. It's so sad

I was kind of hoping for some advice about the realities of being a single parent but it seems everyone is focusing on the fact that he had already had the snip.

Yes, I was aware of this. There are other ways for a couple to have children which we had discussed when we got together.

Truthfully, I want to know if I'm nuts for considering being a solo-parent. I
What are the pitfalls? Horror stories? Beautiful moments that make it all worth it?

I think it's selfish of men in second marriages to not want further children. I do think it will be hard as SP though esp as you are disabled. Think through all the options carefully. You sound very capable.

Sorry if it is confusing. I can't go into details about the timeline as it is v outing. Also not really relevant, just that they have a solid relationship.

From the experience of others, the feeling never goes away.

An aunt - her husband strung her along, she then gave up in her 40s because she thought it was too late.
She was financially stable, lots of nieces and nephews, travelled a lot and mixed with decision makers internationally but was extremely unhappy.
Then at 50 yrs, she surprised everyone and adopted her first baby and at 53 yrs the second. She is like a different person, so very happy, always smiling, very positive. She's fulfilled.

A very high ranking boss at my work, is in her late 50s, always wanted kids. Her mother wouldn't approve any of her suitors. So she never married and felt she couldn't do it a single person. Then she felt she was too old. Her mum then needed more care, moved in with her. She constantly talked about how she really wanted and wants kids. Her mum's response was if you really wanted, you would have married someone or used a sperm donor.
She lost her mind.
Moved her mother out and is now NC with her mum. And talks about her sadness at not having kids. A lot. She's achieved a lot and is well respected but this one regret really affects her.

To be fair there’s no discussion to be had. If he doesn’t want children it’s not going to happen.

If it really is that important to you OP then yes you will have to leave. Just bear in mind it might be quite gruelling if you decide to have children alone (or even if you have a partner tbh)

It's even more selfish of men to just be a sperm donor then not pull their weight at parenting their children.

Don’t waste any more time. You have limited time to conceive while technically, he could father a child for many more years to come. Imagine if you split and he got new partner pregnant while you have missed your chance at having children.

I’m a strong believer it’s risky leaving it too late. I had my kids in my early/mid twenties and now at 27, have problems with my ovary which could lead to fertility problems. I’m glad I had my dc youngish and didn't wait.

If you can support a child on your own then go for it. All the best!

Do you understand what legal adoption means?

100% best thing ever for me. I don’t want to share more details here but you can pm me if you want to x

@spottedinthewild there are millions of threads and comments about being single parents - I'm one and it's great, but I co-parent 50/50 with my daughter's dad. Do you mean doing it completely alone?

You're only young (I had my daughter when I was 40!), why not start dating with the aim of finding a lovely man (who's not going to lie or string you along) and starting a family?

Same here. If they’re adamant they don’t want more children then they should go for woman who already have children and don’t want more or woman who make it clear they don’t want any of their own.

I’m a single parent. Yes there have been times when it’s not easy but I never ever for one second regretted having my children.

Im in my 50s now and have many women friends who are now single - divorced and widowed. As well as some who never married.

None of them regret having children, in fact their children and GC are the most important things in their lives. Men come and go I’m afraid.

My friends who are childless all regret it now . Although It wasn’t a choice for them at the time, either they never met someone or it was because of infertility.

My ex husband ran off with his mistress years ago. I find it hard to forgive how badly he behaved and how he treats our kids now. But apart from that I’m happy and have a very good life . I can’t imagine how I would have coped if I gave up having kids for him and then he did that.

@spottedinthewild my advice is to leave now and have your baby. If you stay with your husband and have to give up on your dreams for him, you will end up hating him.

Even if you do come to terms with it, he might end up leaving you. You said you have a disability and he likes an easy life - are you sure he will be there for you if your health declines?

I understand how you feel. I have one child with my DH through ivf and feel very lucky. When I fell pregnant I really really wasn’t expecting it as the odds were so low in my circumstances and had started to reconcile myself with the fact it may never happen. I don’t think it’s impossible to do so but there would always have been a deep sadness. I think the difference though was that it was something my DH and I wanted together and whether it happened or not was in the hands of the gods really. Whereas I think not having children because your DH is not on board would create deep resentment. I also don’t understand his initial response that he’d adopt rather that have a biological child with you. Adoption is a wonderful thing and if he had good reason for suggesting that then fine. But I wonder if somehow he thought it’s something he can more easily walk away from/his commitment is less. If that’s the case that reveals quite an unpleasant approach to adopting a child.

I wouldn’t give up the chance of having a dc if that’s what you want. Parenting is hard but stages pass and you get through it. You want different things sadly. This isn’t something you’ll come to accept I think.

You may have a good job and benefits and want to go it alone and have a child - I am not sure if you have thought about how hard this is. Keeping your job and being a single I’m to a baby/young child is hard work. Harder than you’ll imagine. Not trying to put you off but it can be a really hard reality check. Please be sure.

@spottedinthewild using a sperm donor is not great for a child. You are setting them up to be minus a dad and not know their genetic background until they are 18.

Yes there are many single parents, but many of them co parent. Where mum is a true lone parent as dad has buggered off, many of those children do feel they have missed out on their dad, sometimes trying to reach out to them when they are older