AIBU to leave DH and start a family?

[spottedinthewild]

Need some brutally honest advice .. DH & I have an adult DSD, no children of our own. I am 34F and desperate to start a family. It consumes my every thought, and has been a constant for the last 3-4 years. I love DH immensely and have no desire to be with anyone else.

I have had this discussion with DH so many times. At first he was adamant that he'd only consider adoption, that was fine. Now he is just not willing to even discuss it. He constantly tells me pregnancy would injure me (I have a spinal injury) despite my consultant telling me I'd be fine. It's clear he doesn't want children.

I have a well-paid job, good benefits and could easily afford to live on my own and support a child. I am considering leaving, using a sperms bank and being a single mum. Am I completely mental?

YABU - Don't wreck a life that is great otherwise, this feeling will pass!
YANBU - It won't pass & you'll regret it, you can survive being a single mum!

Doesn't make sense at all this thread.

You only get one life, and unfortunately you both want different things from it. If you really want children, the bitterness and resentment that you feel now over him denying you will only grow and eat away at the relationship.

But I don’t get why you would jump straight into sperm donor option. Surely it’s far better to first try to find another partner to share your life with who also wants children.

Single parenthood isn’t what many people would choose, if something should happen to you, what sort of support network would your child have? Have you siblings/parents who would play an active part in your child’s life?
someone once said to me that we should try and give our children the widest support network possible either through family/friends combination of both and I have to agree with that.
I know someone who has gone down a similar route, she has siblings with children of a similar age and a wide circle of friends and doesn’t regret it for an instant.

I haven’t voted because I’m so torn. The trouble is what you so desperately want your husband already has and has ‘been there, done that, for the t-shirt’. If you’re 100% sure you want to go it alone, you need to know it will be hard as a single parent. I was one for many years and it’s hard. I bet it will be even tougher when your child starts wondering about their daddy. Could you leave and give yourself a deadline (maybe a year) to meet someone who wants kids and take it from there?

The reason he doesn't want children is he doesn't want them.

I know plenty of women who don't want children and never have.

The problem is stringing the OP along.

He should have made it clear from the outset that he was not having any children and if she wanted them then they weren't compatible.

I think you would really resent it if you stayed with him and gave up your chance of having children. I do know somebody who had a donor baby on her own, she has never regretted it. In her case she just hadn't met the right person. It was hard work at the beginning but her family pitched in to help.

The rush for a sperm donor is because some women can't get pregnant.

The OP needs to have her fertility looked at first before deciding what path to take.

Edited to add: my DD goes to school with children in all sorts of families. There are single parents who don't have family support for a variety of reasons. They manage like everyone one else.

@Reugny I think having a vasectomy is a pretty big clue!

Did you both discuss your feelings about children before getting married?

Thank you for sharing this and for the advice. One thing I keep thinking is, will this feeling go away if DSD has children? I would love to be a grandparent, and DSD has talked about kids quite a bit. I'm in a position to provide childcare if she needed/wanted.

I have no doubt he will be there if my health declines, but what I have shouldn't get worse.

Right?

MN is not the best place to get useful, experienced, unbiased info about being a solo mum by choice. Try facebook (Solo Mothers By Choice UK is the biggest and most active group). Lots of SMBCs on instagram too though many of them are wannabe influencers who post all the positives and none of the struggles.

Thanks for that, I'll check it out!

I knew a wonderful woman who sacrificed having children for her husband. After she turned 40 she realised she wanted to try and had years of IVF, all failed. Her marriage broke up which wasn't surprising as he utterly selfish.

My heart goes out to her as poured love into her nieces but it just wasn't the same.

Raising a baby solo is super hard, the lack of sleep, the sole responsibility, physical, emotional and financial can feel completely overwhelming. You will be depleted of energy and drained, at times, to a level you have never experienced before. I didn't have to parent solo but did have a friend who did. She moved to be close to her parents which was a massive help.

However I now have adult DC and they have brought me enormous joy and pride. I can't imagine not having had those experiences.

I think if the thought of having a child consumes you, then your relationship is doomed anyway.

You’ll end up breaking up but it might not be for a few more years even if will be too late to have kids.

I think you have already made up your mind about which is more important: your DH or having a baby.
You’ve chosen the baby.

I would move out asap.
Moving out and officially separating will give you chance to really cement what you want.
But it will also give you time to find someone else.

I would be single for 6 months and then start dating.
If after a year you have not found anyone, then I would look down the sperm bank route.

If you are not wanting to have a relationship then I’d still wait at least 6 months before going down the sperm bank route.

Things to note:
Your DH is not going to take you back once you’ve left and had a child (I think you’re hoping he will or that he’ll not want you to leave and change his mind about having kids).
You will possibly not be able to date for at least 10 years.

Rubbish. It’s not selfish for anyone to not want a child whatever the reason.

Being a solo parent is hard OP, very hard. I’m with my partner and struggle a lot as we don’t have any other support here (our families live in another country). While motherhood is beautiful I can’t imagine what I would do alone. When I get sick I don’t get a break, when I’m mentally drained I have to be there for my son, when I’m physically exhausted I still have to do dinners, etc. My life lost the spontaneity it had before and I miss it. Don’t take me wrong, I adore my child and wouldn’t change it for anything. I’m happy to be a mom and I know this lasts a few years until they get older, but is not easy. I won’t talk about the financial aspect as you seem well off OP. So I would say, if you have support, either friends or family that are willing to help you go for it, is not impossible. Even though is hard, is really worthy.

Break up with him and get dating - you’re still young enough to meet someone and have a family.

@AdventuresInMothering does that Facebook group consider the children at all?

I am not at all sure that being a single parent with a spinal injury is a good idea.

I don't get why you are leaping to sperm donation either. You can find someone else.

I am not a single parent but speaking only for myself, I would rather not have had children than have them alone. It's very hard even with a partner.

Appears they didn't.

I completely disagree.

I think going on any social media site (which we all know is fake) is going to give very biased views.

Being on an anonymous forum like MN is going to give you much better unbiased views and not just the ‘good’ bits.

Of course it’s good to get a range of views but people are gf really more honest when it’s anonymous.

Thank you for sharing this x

Honestly, I think the misalignment of what you want will end your marriage eventually anyway, so you should move on and pursue your goals while you can.

No doubt single parenting will be tough, but the alternative sounds much tougher for you.

I noticed you said children which is plural - the mothers I know who had them single by choice have a child.