To feel rejected by mother’s group?

[Copenhagener]

I had my baby girl 4 months ago.

I was placed in a new mother’s group by my health visitor and we are encouraged to meet weekly.

Background: had a terrible time getting pregnant and needed IVF, and had an awful pregnancy and ended up with some quite intense post-partum depression. Breastfeeding didn’t work out (my milk never really came in and baby ended up in NICU because her body needed more food) so I switched to formula with no other choice - and she is now thriving and it admittedly made my life a lot easier. I also had to have a planned c-section because baby was footling breech and I had severe polyhydramnios that could’ve killed her if I’d gone into labour naturally. I will never, ever have another child.

In a nutshell: I didn’t have it particularly easy.

The women in my mother group all had natural unmedicated births, exclusively breastfeed, co-sleep, baby wear, and spend the sessions talking about never getting any sleep themselves, and their complications from vaginal delivery/sore boobs/hormones and cranky crying up all night babies. All normal things - but none that I experience.

I really try not to bring up my experience of my baby - she sleeps through the night in her own bed, doesn’t really cry, and is a very happy, independent girl and eats easily (and my partner and I do 50/50 with feeds). I don’t find being a mother that challenging generally - besides my mental health sometimes. But I feel they think I’m a ’fake’ or bad mother because I have no real issues or complaints and I don’t want to make them up!

some things I’ve had said:

• breast is so much better for them! I would never formula feed - the hospital made me once and I was so happy my baby refluxed that rubbish straight back up
• You should see a lactation consultant (I did)
• why didn’t you keep trying with pumping, I pump every 2 hours
• I am so proud of my birth - I tore 3rd degree but at least I didn’t have a c-section - it would’ve wrecked my mental health to know I didn’t give birth properly to her.
• there must be something wrong with your baby if she sleeps so much
• Why do you use a pacifier, it’s bad for them (she has a strong suck reflux and hospital recommended them for non-bf babies)
• she’s really big. (She’s 7.5kg/size 68) are you over feeding her?
• how could you only want one child, she will be lonely.
• why would you want to go back to work so quickly? (I’m taking 8 months leave then dad is doing 3 months).
• I could never leave my baby alone while they’re so little (I go to the cinema/beauty salon/yoga/Pilates/etc a couple of times a week while dad takes care of baby at the weekends/evenings).
• Why do you take her to all those classes? They just want mum right now and it’s overstimulating! (We go to disco babies / baby swim / baby singing - she loves it!).
• Why don’t you use a carrier? (she’s heavy and I had a section!). Plus; I find walking her in the pram is helping my core rehabilitate more.

I don’t openly say I get good sleep, but when one specifically asked I did tell her (and reiterated it’s probably sheer luck I have a good sleeper and nothing I’ve done) she stopped replying to me completely.

I feel a bit left out and actually like I’m annoying them because we don’t relate much. In my country breastfeeding is very widespread and quite judged about if you don’t do it. C sections cannot be elective so they’re quite unusual too. I want to be sympathetic and I am, but I don’t have first hand experience and it shows.

I just feel sad that there’s no grace given for my baby decisions/what happened to me, and that while I am lucky now with my daughter and her temperament, it wasn’t always this way and could easily change in future.

Would it be unreasonable to stop going to the group? My health visitor says I really should continue for my mental health/ppd. But I feel unwelcome and actually more sad after each meet up.

I'm sorry those mums sound so judgy. Some groups can be great and some not really eh!!

You sound like you're getting out and about loads already with all of the other activities. Bin this off and don't waste another minute worrying about it.

I'd definitely stop going. It sounds awful. Ask your hv for recommendations for a friendly group!

I made similar decisions to you and I promise that they are talking bollocks. My dd is 13 and the decisions they are criticising you for are not the ones that have made an iota of difference. You sound a wonderful mum. Parent from the heart and with love and look for support that actually helps you, not these judgemental twats.

Navigating motherhood the first time round is so difficult. I suspect the other mums are exhausted and questioning everything too, as opposed to being inherently nasty people. No matter what we choose there is always someone waiting to tell us we are doing it wrong.

If you get no joy from seeing them though then you should absolutely stop. If you are going to lots of baby groups you are doing fine.

It doesn’t sound like they are your people. If you’re not getting anything positive then it of it then don’t go. Have you made some friends at the groups you go to?

Oh lovely , please don’t go back there for the sake of your mental health, you don’t need those women questioning everything. They aren’t your “tribe” so to speak, I think if you explain to the Health visitor how it’s making you feel she will understand.

Your daughter sounds like she is thriving, you will always find people who’ve recently had babies who want to bombard you with everything that their precious child does, whether that’s breastfeeding, their size etc.

I think it’s healthier to find a group where it’s based not on the babies but mutual interests , ie from your yoga or Pilates class.

When the babies getting older it gets worse; who crawls first , says words etc… it’s a competition for some! Don’t spend time with people who make you feel crappy , it’s not worth it!

@Copenhagener absolutely - you sound so busy otherwise (disco, swimming etc) - make an excuse and stop going. It can be disheartening to feel like the 'different one' but you will find like minded people in these other groups.

I really think you should stop going for your MH.
These groups just aren't for some people and although you are at risk of feeling isolated sometimes these can make you feel more isolated. I wouldn't want to keep going I would dread it.
It's great if you can find mum friends etc but you don't have to feel bad if you don't. Don't feel bad you sound like you are doing great.

This, if its not positive for you don't go. Although you seem to be judging them just as much for their parenting decisions?I honestly feel you're reading too much into your conversations and these are just off the cuff in the moment questions and they're ot leaving the group continuing to think of your parenting negatively!

Ditch this nonsense! Try a few other things, you may have to pay but they'll be better and you'll find something to suit you, look for local baby massage and yoga classes etc

With friends like those, who needs enemies? I wouldn't go back, and concentrate on other friendships.
Sounds like you and DD are doing great after a difficult start, don't let these women bring you down.

I had 2 c-sections under general anesthetic and 1 natural birth. My first baby was exclusively formula fed due to medication I was on and my last baby was extremely premature so I pumped for 9 weeks but absolutely hated it. With the full support of the medical professionals I formula fed after that.

My son (second child) was due to be an elective c-section but he died at 33 weeks and I was encouraged to have a natural birth, I was surprised at how much I appreciated being able to do that for him but would've swapped it for the most medicalised birth possible just to have had him here safely.

What I'm trying to say is you do what is best for your baby and you know them best as well. I sometimes find the most judgmental people are just insecure about their own decisions.

You sound like a lovely mum with a good balance of time for yourself and time with baby.

They sound quite brutal, and I think the hardest thing to ever have criticised is your parenting.
You have to think - are theas women adding anything to your or your child's life? If no, then distance yourself
We have couple if quite judgemental women in our antenatal group. And some lovely ones, it's only for them I kept going to meet ups, and gradually we met more in a smaller group of 3-4 mums which was much better. Are there any who you get on well with/feel supported by?

I'm surprised you haven't rejected them!

They're not your mum tribe. You will find your tribe.

Tell the HV what you've told us.

I didn't use it but I believe the peanut app and others help find mum friends

They aren’t your people. Don’t go to that group anymore.

with baby groups, I’ve found it can be abit of trial and error. With my son, I felt exactly the same and never found the right fit for us. Although admittedly due to post natal depression I didn’t look for anymore than the one I tried. With my daughter I tried four different groups, one we went every week and formed nice friendships and bonds and I left once she was too old to attend. Then the other, baby ballet, although I didn’t form any friendships, it was a nice easy group where everyone chatted and got a long and it was nice to be with them.

i will say though, my group of best friends now I actually met at the nursery gates on drop off and pick up and 5 years later, even though the kids are at different schools we still meet once a month and have a WhatsApp group where we chat probably ever other day. It was worth waiting for these friendships x

They sound like very dull people.

i don’t know why they would be so weird about things like your Baby sleeping well. It really is luck of the draw. I had one that slept and one that didn’t.

you do lots of groups. If this one doesn’t make you happy you can let it go.

Maybe a group will help but not ‘this’ group
its going more harm than good - why subject yourself to it?!

I suggest you stop going. You don't need a group of you're getting out.

But I think there's probably two sides, and it would be interesting to hear what has been said before.
I didn't do a baby class with my first, but I did with my second. One of the ladies had their baby three weeks before anyone else and she loved to lecture the group on The Only Possible Way.
She was always wrong that it was the only possible way, and often wrong that it was the best way. sometimes it was just totally wrong (like she advocated double strength formula to make them sleep through the night)
I often spent time afterwards with an upset mum who was struggling and thought she'd done something wrong and caused her baby issues.
Eventually I started speaking up and saying that I hadn't done it with my oldest and all was fine, and she'd get the humph, and sulk. But if she hadn't said anything in the first place then it wouldn't have been said at all.

The best thing for your MH would be to leave this group. All the things they think are wrong you did because you had little choice, if a natural birth would have killed your baby then it's madness for them to say CS are wrong.

This sounds like it's doing the opposite for your mental health than what the HV intended. I wouldn't waste a minute more with this judgy, horrible crowd of women.

If you already have groups you go to that you both enjoy then carry on with those and see if you can get chatting to people there. You will find mums you do gel with, just not these ones!

Defo stop going, they sound very judgy and jealous because your baby sleeps 😜 After a tough pregnancy I'm glad it's not extremely tough with baby ☺️

Stop going. The purpose of the group is for support. You’re not getting it so no need to go. Join something else e.g. baby yoga/massage.

These women sound awful but they are probably like that because of their own insecurities. I remember it took me a while to find a supportive group and it was a very lonely time for me until I did. Leave them to it and see what other groups are out there or you might meet a like minded mum in a cafe , on a walk etc. Spending time with these insecure women will effect your mental health. There are some decent mums out there who won't judge , who'll support you and who'll cry along with you on the tough days . For what it's worth it sounds like you are doing everything right and have a healthy balance between your needs and your babies. You just need to find a couple of ordinary non comparative mums to spend time with and you ll see you are doing a grand job.

Are you by any chance in Denmark? The being placed in a group by a hv sounds very familiar. If so where?

I can see where the hv is coming from. It is good to get out of the house and to meet with others in the same situation. But this group doesn't seem to be a good fit. Try and find other baby activities - churches and Facebook are 2 good places to start.

Have you come across the Peanut app? I met some lovely local mum friends through it - I didn’t have much luck with the groups in the beginning either. I found connections with other new mums so so helpful, but you just need the right people and not tbe self-righteous pricks you seem to have ran into.

Go to the baby groups and you will meet other mothers. You and your baby sound perfect and your partner sounds involved. That is great that you manage to get sleep and go to cinema/beauty salon/yoga/Pilates/ - they are probably jealous!