To feel rejected by mother’s group?

[Copenhagener]

I had my baby girl 4 months ago.

I was placed in a new mother’s group by my health visitor and we are encouraged to meet weekly.

Background: had a terrible time getting pregnant and needed IVF, and had an awful pregnancy and ended up with some quite intense post-partum depression. Breastfeeding didn’t work out (my milk never really came in and baby ended up in NICU because her body needed more food) so I switched to formula with no other choice - and she is now thriving and it admittedly made my life a lot easier. I also had to have a planned c-section because baby was footling breech and I had severe polyhydramnios that could’ve killed her if I’d gone into labour naturally. I will never, ever have another child.

In a nutshell: I didn’t have it particularly easy.

The women in my mother group all had natural unmedicated births, exclusively breastfeed, co-sleep, baby wear, and spend the sessions talking about never getting any sleep themselves, and their complications from vaginal delivery/sore boobs/hormones and cranky crying up all night babies. All normal things - but none that I experience.

I really try not to bring up my experience of my baby - she sleeps through the night in her own bed, doesn’t really cry, and is a very happy, independent girl and eats easily (and my partner and I do 50/50 with feeds). I don’t find being a mother that challenging generally - besides my mental health sometimes. But I feel they think I’m a ’fake’ or bad mother because I have no real issues or complaints and I don’t want to make them up!

some things I’ve had said:

• breast is so much better for them! I would never formula feed - the hospital made me once and I was so happy my baby refluxed that rubbish straight back up
• You should see a lactation consultant (I did)
• why didn’t you keep trying with pumping, I pump every 2 hours
• I am so proud of my birth - I tore 3rd degree but at least I didn’t have a c-section - it would’ve wrecked my mental health to know I didn’t give birth properly to her.
• there must be something wrong with your baby if she sleeps so much
• Why do you use a pacifier, it’s bad for them (she has a strong suck reflux and hospital recommended them for non-bf babies)
• she’s really big. (She’s 7.5kg/size 68) are you over feeding her?
• how could you only want one child, she will be lonely.
• why would you want to go back to work so quickly? (I’m taking 8 months leave then dad is doing 3 months).
• I could never leave my baby alone while they’re so little (I go to the cinema/beauty salon/yoga/Pilates/etc a couple of times a week while dad takes care of baby at the weekends/evenings).
• Why do you take her to all those classes? They just want mum right now and it’s overstimulating! (We go to disco babies / baby swim / baby singing - she loves it!).
• Why don’t you use a carrier? (she’s heavy and I had a section!). Plus; I find walking her in the pram is helping my core rehabilitate more.

I don’t openly say I get good sleep, but when one specifically asked I did tell her (and reiterated it’s probably sheer luck I have a good sleeper and nothing I’ve done) she stopped replying to me completely.

I feel a bit left out and actually like I’m annoying them because we don’t relate much. In my country breastfeeding is very widespread and quite judged about if you don’t do it. C sections cannot be elective so they’re quite unusual too. I want to be sympathetic and I am, but I don’t have first hand experience and it shows.

I just feel sad that there’s no grace given for my baby decisions/what happened to me, and that while I am lucky now with my daughter and her temperament, it wasn’t always this way and could easily change in future.

Would it be unreasonable to stop going to the group? My health visitor says I really should continue for my mental health/ppd. But I feel unwelcome and actually more sad after each meet up.

What awful, judgemental, smug women they all are. Meeting with them is making your mental health worse, not better, so please stop going to this group and tell your Health Visitor why.

Just because women have babies doesn’t mean they have anything else in common or share the same values.

dump this group now.

but do try to find something else to go to to get out of the house.

Just thought I’d add one of the conversations. It’s not ‘nasty’ but I find it really odd to be sent messages like this.

The hospital recommended the one I use; to reduce SIDS, and to provide comfort as she’s not breastfeeding. It just makes me feel constantly judged to get unsolicited messages like this.

yes, I wondered about being "placed" in a group with no option or choice

I'm sure there are people you can chat to on here OP. I had all of the experiences you had!

I really hate it when mums treat parenting as some kind of competition.

I will say that my "easy" "good at sleeping" baby had some major challenges later on, as did I, and it was pretty hard to find anyone who got those either (hence the amount of time I spend on Mumsnet).

In my experience, some women seem to feel that other women's choices are a criticism of theirs and motherhood seems to take some back to the playground!

I am not friends with any of my NCT group a decade on. The dads were OK actually and DH speaks to one or two of them.

It is a bit mad when you think of it, expecting women to get on purely because of a coincidence of dates and location, especially when their life's just been upended.

The surprising thing maybe is that it ever DOES work!

I actually don’t think there’s much wrong with what they’ve said, people are allowed to feel
how they feel and want what they want for their babies, but they are obviously not your people. Having a baby at the same time is not enough common ground to sustain a friendship!

I actually met some of my best ‘mum friends’ in parks etc as kids got older. You won’t have to put up with this lot forever.

They sound really jidgy.

Lots of mums groups are.

They are probably hiding their own insecurities

Anecdote is not data!

I mean, my DD had a dummy (pacifier) till pre school. Her sleep was good. Her speech was always excellent. Her teeth are perfect. She just really, really liked them and actually she'd gum anything that went anywhere near her mouth.

I was a bit 😒 about the mum I met at a music group who was clearly massively underslept (to the point I actually wondered - not out loud - if she should have driven there). "Oh we don't use dummies. My boyfriend doesn't like the idea of them."

Some people are martyrs to motherhood. Sounds like you’re taking care of your mental health (sleep and free time is soooo important for many mams!) and are then 100% present and a great mam.

I never used a carrier - my baby loved the pram. (Btw a lot of people carry to 4/5 months then change over cos it’s heavy!)

I bottle fed through necessity, but I’ve realised now I just didn’t like breastfeeding either. No shame. Really really really. No shame. If it makes you feel better tell them you do some pumping and feed her breast milk sometimes, but equally just reassure them your child is thriving.

I did loads of classes with baby 1, she loved it too, and kept me sane and happy!

id distance yourself - all journeys are different and so long as your baby is doing well then no need to change anything.

also- anyone who isn’t jealous of good sleep is an eejit.

Get yourself out of there!
These pathetic excuses for ‘women’ sound childish, judgmental and extremely narrow minded. You have a healthy child who is developing well. That is all you need to know.

I'd leave it.
I can still remember how upset some of the online judginess made me when I couldn't breastfeed my first (major birth complications, blood loss, etc), as though I just hadn't tried hard enough. so to have that in real life would be really upsetting and isn't then giving you the support that is the point to being in the group...

They sound jealous and insecure about their own experiences and abilities. Making you feel inadequate is reassuring for themselves. Don’t go back.

Leave the group. These mum's sound awful and it will end up affecting your mental health more! I tried a few groups and one in particular made me feel really anxious! I found one where the host and the mums are lovely, I've not particularly made friends but during the class we all talk and interact.

Being a first time mum is hard - you question everything you do rather than trusting yourself - you know this group are bad for you - they are making you utterly miserable. Whether they are right or wrong in their opinions is irrelevant - they are wrong for you. dump them - you'll feel so much better.

You have a live, healthy, happy baby

Congratulations!

Please just leave that group - your mental health will thank you for it

Whatever their reasons for making those comments, it’s making you feel worse alongside all sorts of other medical issues, so stop going. You have done nothing wrong! Remember that! You have had challenges thrown your way that these women have not, they are all reinforcing their own opinions, and my experience of groups is that there always seems to be the one person the others look down on. So ditch them. It sounds like you have other groups going on, baby is doing well, you are doing great!

For what it’s worth, as a parent of teens who went through a lot of what you also did, as they grow it all becomes irrelevant. The early days with a first baby are intense. The mummy martyrs are everywhere and usually very vocal too. By the time they start school, no one cares about how they were born, fed, activities etc. Then the school and achievements bragging starts! Those women are not your friends. Keep doing what you’re doing, and be pleasant to everyone who crosses your path. One of them will stick. Good luck.

UGH. This sounds exactly like my horrific NCT group who I stuck out for 8 weeks pp and then binned them off.

Like you I was the only one to have a section, the only one not to breastfeed and my god did they bang on about it every time we met.

The last straw was when they told me my baby got a cold beause I didnt breastfeed him.

Absolutely stop going. You know where I made lovely mum friends? At the baby classes they so much deride. Getting out of the house is excellent for your mental health and it is nice to find people to speak to on your wave length.

My baby is 7 now but this post has really resonated. I hope things get better for you.

Ugh. They sound awful. I BF and agree on its benefits but it's not for me to push that on someone else. I had an EMCS after 30 hours and was quite sensitive about having failed at it and some of that stuff they're saying would have been so destructive to me. They got lucky. My milk took ages to come in, did get there in the end but I had to use formula supplements for a couple of weeks because my babies were losing too much weight. Good mothers get food in their babies whatever that looks like.

I was desperate to baby wear because my babies were high needs and such hard work but the little fuckers would not go in them. They hated it 😂Both loved the buggy though so thank god for that! Getting them off of me for two mins was fantastic.

They sound like they're desperate to "succeed" at mothering but success is you and your baby being happy.

I have two kids and have never done mum groups. Not my thing at all. You sound like you're doing great.

My sister had her first a month before I had my second. Her LG is a dream sleeper, talked in long sentences super early. Mine were both clingy, refluxy nightmares, never slept, and neither talked till 28 months. And we have the same DNA lol. All kids are different.

Oh and I meant to add, I got nothing from pumping so was only doing to stimulate supply, and I HATE pumping. It is the fucking worst. I would not have kept up with that any longer than I did, if it hadn't started working by then I would have gone full formula and no regrets. Pumping that much really messed with my mental health second time around, I was sleeping so little, it couldn't have gone on. You HAVE to balance your own mental and physical health with the baby's because the baby needs you functioning. They'll learn that, especially if they have the second + kids they all seem to want and have to balance the needs of multiple children.

I don't think these are your people OP. You mentioned your baby was in NICU. Ask your health visitor for any details of NICU baby meet ups. You'll likely find a much more mixed bunch of mums and babies, some with similar experiences & I'm sure you'll find them much easier to connect with.

It sounds like you need to reject them.
One thing I’ve learned in my short years of motherhood. Is you do what’s right for you and your family.
Also women who judge other women for having a c-section are that worst kind.
We are all just trying to get through the experience with everyone alive. Why is that a god damn issue 🤦🏼‍♀️

@Copenhagener I wish we lived closer! I would happily meet up with you to talk all things csection, struggles with bf, the shame that society places on you.

I felt so lonely in those early days, so it's important to know you are not alone. There are plenty of us in your shoes.

I really hope you find your tribe like I eventually did. Though my best mum friends came once my kids started school, so don't lose hope!

Yeah stop going they sound insufferable, the only defence I can think of for them is they are still wrapped up in a precious first born bubble. And can't see how obnoxious they sound.

When I had Dd, back in the 00s, I had made up my mind to try and breastfeed her. Only problem was I just couldn't get her to latch and my lovely, supportive health visitor suggested a breastfeeding group who could help and support me.

So in my naivety, along I went.

In reality, instead of the support I believed I would get, all I received were comments such as, "Why did you not start off doing it this way?"

But I did get to see them all happily chatting to each other, while I sat like a pariah in the corner trying to feed my baby.

Needless to say I didn't go back the second week and although I did feel guilty at the time for "not doing the very best" by Dd, I realise now it was the correct decision and both Dd and I both benefitted more from me not intentionally putting us in a place that only offered stress and not the help we wished for.

TL:DR. If a group is only making you feel worse and not giving you any support, leaving is sometimes the best decision.

Their attitude reminds me of the group of mums I met with the NCT.
Same judgemental crap.

I was much better once I stopped meeting with them tbh.