To feel rejected by mother’s group?

[Copenhagener]

I had my baby girl 4 months ago.

I was placed in a new mother’s group by my health visitor and we are encouraged to meet weekly.

Background: had a terrible time getting pregnant and needed IVF, and had an awful pregnancy and ended up with some quite intense post-partum depression. Breastfeeding didn’t work out (my milk never really came in and baby ended up in NICU because her body needed more food) so I switched to formula with no other choice - and she is now thriving and it admittedly made my life a lot easier. I also had to have a planned c-section because baby was footling breech and I had severe polyhydramnios that could’ve killed her if I’d gone into labour naturally. I will never, ever have another child.

In a nutshell: I didn’t have it particularly easy.

The women in my mother group all had natural unmedicated births, exclusively breastfeed, co-sleep, baby wear, and spend the sessions talking about never getting any sleep themselves, and their complications from vaginal delivery/sore boobs/hormones and cranky crying up all night babies. All normal things - but none that I experience.

I really try not to bring up my experience of my baby - she sleeps through the night in her own bed, doesn’t really cry, and is a very happy, independent girl and eats easily (and my partner and I do 50/50 with feeds). I don’t find being a mother that challenging generally - besides my mental health sometimes. But I feel they think I’m a ’fake’ or bad mother because I have no real issues or complaints and I don’t want to make them up!

some things I’ve had said:

• breast is so much better for them! I would never formula feed - the hospital made me once and I was so happy my baby refluxed that rubbish straight back up
• You should see a lactation consultant (I did)
• why didn’t you keep trying with pumping, I pump every 2 hours
• I am so proud of my birth - I tore 3rd degree but at least I didn’t have a c-section - it would’ve wrecked my mental health to know I didn’t give birth properly to her.
• there must be something wrong with your baby if she sleeps so much
• Why do you use a pacifier, it’s bad for them (she has a strong suck reflux and hospital recommended them for non-bf babies)
• she’s really big. (She’s 7.5kg/size 68) are you over feeding her?
• how could you only want one child, she will be lonely.
• why would you want to go back to work so quickly? (I’m taking 8 months leave then dad is doing 3 months).
• I could never leave my baby alone while they’re so little (I go to the cinema/beauty salon/yoga/Pilates/etc a couple of times a week while dad takes care of baby at the weekends/evenings).
• Why do you take her to all those classes? They just want mum right now and it’s overstimulating! (We go to disco babies / baby swim / baby singing - she loves it!).
• Why don’t you use a carrier? (she’s heavy and I had a section!). Plus; I find walking her in the pram is helping my core rehabilitate more.

I don’t openly say I get good sleep, but when one specifically asked I did tell her (and reiterated it’s probably sheer luck I have a good sleeper and nothing I’ve done) she stopped replying to me completely.

I feel a bit left out and actually like I’m annoying them because we don’t relate much. In my country breastfeeding is very widespread and quite judged about if you don’t do it. C sections cannot be elective so they’re quite unusual too. I want to be sympathetic and I am, but I don’t have first hand experience and it shows.

I just feel sad that there’s no grace given for my baby decisions/what happened to me, and that while I am lucky now with my daughter and her temperament, it wasn’t always this way and could easily change in future.

Would it be unreasonable to stop going to the group? My health visitor says I really should continue for my mental health/ppd. But I feel unwelcome and actually more sad after each meet up.

To feel rejected by mothers group...

er... good! they sound abnormal, making badges of Honour (for vaginal tearing, sore boobs and sleep deprvation) like they have survived battle.

Leave that group in your rear view and find another. I'd not want to be accepted by the bunch of self righteous pricks anyway.

This isn't the right group for you, good idea in theory but it hasn't worked out in practice. I get it to a point, at that stage feeding and sleeping is an all consuming thing but later on these differences won't be at all relevant.

Absolutely stop going - this sounds awful for your mental health. It sounds like everything is going very well for you and your baby so lean into that. You had the best birth for you both (the only safe option). You are feeding the best way for your baby. Use other classes as a way to meet people - its not necessarily about the choices people make but being mature enough to realise there are lots of ways to parent and everyone will experience challenges at different points.

I can't believe those things they said 🤯. It is just incredible that people would even dream of saying "I'm so happy that my baby just refluxed that rubbish back up" or "at least I didn't have a c section" to someone who formula feeds and had a c section. That is so far from the norm even among women who breastfeed, cosleep and baby wear. Please don't assume everyone is like that. I've literally never heard anything like that. Stop going to the group obviously and avoid these mums

They are obviously very jealous that your baby sleeps through and you aren’t having problems feeding her. Leave the group and make new friends. These women are not supportive they are almost being competitive

Ditch them. They sound like virtuous judgy bores. In a year or so they’ll have got over themselves.

Stop going.
Immediately.
Continuing with that group is damaging for you.
You are already very active, going out and doing things..meeting new people.

They are happy they got 3rd degree tears because it meant they gave birth properly????!
😂
OP, run. Run very fast.

I’d stop that one but try some others. I found some really nice groups run by churches.

They don’t sound very nice and may just be unkind people or are trying to figure their way through things and asserting things in the way they do is just to reassure themselves they are in control when really everyone just muddles through doing their best. If going to the group doesn’t lift you up then just fade out. Is there maybe one person who seems more east to connect with? In my NCT group, I found the ladies were nice enough but I didn’t really connect much. But there was one who was 10 years younger than me and we slowly became really great friends and have been for over a decade now. Is it possible to join another group? I’d also suggest going go to other baby groups etc when you are able and you will find people on the same page as you. Good luck and congratulations on your beautiful baby. Take care of yourself x

I breastfeed, babywear and have had vaginal deliveries and never got any sleep (although not everything was easy) Those women just sound like judgement err word I can't say here. I think you should leave the group - maybe you can find a different group or meet mums elsewhere. It is good to meet up with other mums but these ones sound very toxic.

Just stop going. I’ve posted before about how these awful baby groups actually made my mental health WORSE, not better. The women can be SO judgmental and cliquey, it’s all competition and comparison.
You may not feel it now but you will get the last laugh. One woman got to me early, DD was 9 weeks old and I got “oh, she likes her dummy”. She made another comment shortly after saying something like “Oh, yes, you must be a first time mum” and the look of abject horror when I pulled out a bottle of formula.
I saw her again a few months later at a different baby group and she cried to me about how she wasn’t getting more than two hours unbroken sleep at a time. My DD still woke up once or twice each night then but I got a good 7 hour stretch to first wake up at least. She was in such a state I couldn’t even gloat.
For the record I’m an elective C-Section, formula feeding mum too. We’re out there, but we’re not battering our mental health going to toxic places like that.
I’m expecting my second currently and this time I’m going to completely forgo the baby groups and do the things I actually enjoy doing- like baby cinema before they get too mobile and it becomes too difficult. I also have an annual pass to a zoo and a farm that are super family friendly and have been good at all stages of DD’s life so far. Maybe you’ll meet people organically at places like that, maybe you won’t, but you’re out doing something you enjoy which is the real benefit to your mental health. You are not enjoying this baby groups, it’s not going to help you.

They sound absolutely vile. Get rid

OP I made all the baby parenting decisions everyone frowns upon - formula, dummy, going back to work when she was 4 months old etc etc. She's always been a very easy baby sleeping through the night from early on and is now an easy teen 😀 I see that as a sign that I dis something right rather than a bad thing 🤷‍♀️ You're clearly doing things right if the baby is a good sleeper and happy.

Stop going. When i had my first i felt I had to attend groups like this. My baby had a severe birth injury due to totally shit care during labour. He was ill for mon ths and ended up being intellectually disabled. While he was a baby we of course did not know this but his delays were very obvious compared to other babies his age. I also received comments and one up-manship like this and it seemed some of the women actively enjoyed making me feel inadequate. I did not breastfeed because I could not.

Finally, after weeping one time too often after another horrible meet up where i felt marginalised and patronised DH said to me; 'Look. Just because all these women and their partners had sex at roughly the same time we had sex and 9 months later had a baby at the same time we had a baby, does not mean we have anything in common'.

Game Changer. Sounds stupid but I felt liberated to know that actually I did not have to put up with that shit.

As a HV, you don't need to keep going. All groups don't suit all people.

Just find a new group.

bin them. It will only get worse and more judgy when you start weaning. ‘You don’t feed her organic???’

parenting is hard. You need friends who support you.

OP they sound awful. I bf for years and would never say such crap to anyone. I was also told I couldn't have more children. If you ever want to DM. It was hard to hear.

Are you getting other support for the PND? It sounds like you have lots of positives going on so focus on that.

I think the idea of going to a group is probably a good one, but not a group that makes you feel bad. Go find a nicer group.

Incidentally, my DC's are now early adults / teens. It's been really interesting seeing how kids present different challenges for different parents at different ages. There's the getting pregnant stage, the being pregnant stage, the baby stage, the demented toddler stage, the tween stage, the boundary pushing teen stage, the launching to adulthood stage. At each stage parents will try different approaches and feel judged by others when the road isn't smooth. No matter what parents do, the vast majority of kids come out the other end as delightful young people.

Bless you op - sometimes you need to try several groups before you find your people. It’s like throwing spaghetti at the wall some sticks some doesn’t.

Remember walking away from an awful group who rebuffed my efforts to talk. I went to another group and met a brilliant gang of women 16 years on we are still friends.

I had similar experience of ivf and the birth I never thought I'd have, then formula feeding after planning breastfeeding because baby wouldn't match as had a malformed tongue from severe tongue tie. It absolutely contributes to pnd, eV if you have it on the lower end of spectrum. It's shit.

The last thing you need is that group of judgey mothers, I luckily have never come across anyone like that let alone a group of then, and wonder if they feed off eachother to make a clique in that respect. They're not your tribe, just tell the HV that it isn't helping your mental health at all and is there any advice they can give about a group where the mothers have had a a birth with more interventions as that would be more helpful for you. I'm so sorry you've met with that reaction, just put your foot down and maybe join local baby groups instead where you get a lovely mix of women. I've met soooo many, in fact most of them, who haven't had the birth they wanted in one way or another, and find it helpful to talk about.

Thank you for all the replies everyone. I am making my way through them all now. Surprised and sorry to hear that so many people experienced negative interactions with their mother groups also. It was something I was really looking forward to after recovering from the birth.

The PPD definitely makes me second-guess my mothering skills and commitment sometimes, so when I hear comments telling me I haven’t tried hard enough essentially, regularly, it can really throw me into a bad place, even if they’re not meant nastily. I’m getting better (having PPD counselling) but it takes time.

For what it’s worth, I do think they are probably nice women - though one does clearly dislike me. There are 5 of us in total and all first-timers. All quite middle class and in our 30s.

Most aren’t said especially nastily - but more in the spirit of ‘these are the health recommendations and you should absolutely do way more to follow them - I am doing that even if it’s very hard’ - especially with the breastfeeding/baby wearing. I get more of a vibe that they must think I’m a little uneducated or uncaring of baby to not be doing these things they’re breaking their backs to do. It’s a lot of unsolicited advice rather than blatantly mean comments.

e.g. one messaged me to said the brand of pacifiers I use isn’t good for my baby and will result in her teething badly in the future. (I’d tried 4 brands and every different shape). I find it quite odd to send a message like that to another mother.

Or they’ll all be talking about their births/breastfeeding journeys and I get sidelined and end up sitting in silence. If I brought my experiences up, there was no real sympathy or curiosity, so I quickly stopped doing that - 4 v 1 being the majority experience. I definitely don’t give unsolicited advice to them (except recommending the classes for disco babies / baby swim / baby singing and sending a few photos), which got shot down.

I sent a WhatsApp message on Friday asking if anyone wanted to go for a pram walk in the sun tomorrow, and no one replied, so I think I’ll bow out of the group now. It’s not so nice for me to feel sidelined and judged, and it’s probably not fun for them to have someone they don’t relate to / think is a bad mother around. I’ll tell the health visitor that while groups can be great, this one isn’t making me feel better / giving me support. I’d love to have mothers to chat to about c-section recovery, formula feeding challenges, IVF, etc, but you don’t always get ‘lucky’ I suppose.

It’s really hard to be friends with parents who think differently to you. This carries on as they get older- I met someone I thought could be a great friend but it didn’t work because she went in for “gentle hands” while her child was attacking mine at every opportunity. You will make much better friends at one of the baby groups you are choosing to go to as they are more likely to be on your wavelength- sack off this competitive earth mother lot and put your energies into other places.

Just stop going.

They have a point on the pacifier to be fair.

The rest sounds like general opinion (other than the breastfeeding).

Sometimes you just dont gel with people. The people i was put with by the HV were a bit bitchy. I wish id given up with them earlier as i made friends individually at baby groups etc. They just weren't my people.