To feel rejected by mother’s group?

[Copenhagener]

I had my baby girl 4 months ago.

I was placed in a new mother’s group by my health visitor and we are encouraged to meet weekly.

Background: had a terrible time getting pregnant and needed IVF, and had an awful pregnancy and ended up with some quite intense post-partum depression. Breastfeeding didn’t work out (my milk never really came in and baby ended up in NICU because her body needed more food) so I switched to formula with no other choice - and she is now thriving and it admittedly made my life a lot easier. I also had to have a planned c-section because baby was footling breech and I had severe polyhydramnios that could’ve killed her if I’d gone into labour naturally. I will never, ever have another child.

In a nutshell: I didn’t have it particularly easy.

The women in my mother group all had natural unmedicated births, exclusively breastfeed, co-sleep, baby wear, and spend the sessions talking about never getting any sleep themselves, and their complications from vaginal delivery/sore boobs/hormones and cranky crying up all night babies. All normal things - but none that I experience.

I really try not to bring up my experience of my baby - she sleeps through the night in her own bed, doesn’t really cry, and is a very happy, independent girl and eats easily (and my partner and I do 50/50 with feeds). I don’t find being a mother that challenging generally - besides my mental health sometimes. But I feel they think I’m a ’fake’ or bad mother because I have no real issues or complaints and I don’t want to make them up!

some things I’ve had said:

• breast is so much better for them! I would never formula feed - the hospital made me once and I was so happy my baby refluxed that rubbish straight back up
• You should see a lactation consultant (I did)
• why didn’t you keep trying with pumping, I pump every 2 hours
• I am so proud of my birth - I tore 3rd degree but at least I didn’t have a c-section - it would’ve wrecked my mental health to know I didn’t give birth properly to her.
• there must be something wrong with your baby if she sleeps so much
• Why do you use a pacifier, it’s bad for them (she has a strong suck reflux and hospital recommended them for non-bf babies)
• she’s really big. (She’s 7.5kg/size 68) are you over feeding her?
• how could you only want one child, she will be lonely.
• why would you want to go back to work so quickly? (I’m taking 8 months leave then dad is doing 3 months).
• I could never leave my baby alone while they’re so little (I go to the cinema/beauty salon/yoga/Pilates/etc a couple of times a week while dad takes care of baby at the weekends/evenings).
• Why do you take her to all those classes? They just want mum right now and it’s overstimulating! (We go to disco babies / baby swim / baby singing - she loves it!).
• Why don’t you use a carrier? (she’s heavy and I had a section!). Plus; I find walking her in the pram is helping my core rehabilitate more.

I don’t openly say I get good sleep, but when one specifically asked I did tell her (and reiterated it’s probably sheer luck I have a good sleeper and nothing I’ve done) she stopped replying to me completely.

I feel a bit left out and actually like I’m annoying them because we don’t relate much. In my country breastfeeding is very widespread and quite judged about if you don’t do it. C sections cannot be elective so they’re quite unusual too. I want to be sympathetic and I am, but I don’t have first hand experience and it shows.

I just feel sad that there’s no grace given for my baby decisions/what happened to me, and that while I am lucky now with my daughter and her temperament, it wasn’t always this way and could easily change in future.

Would it be unreasonable to stop going to the group? My health visitor says I really should continue for my mental health/ppd. But I feel unwelcome and actually more sad after each meet up.

Where are you based? I would be happy to connect. I have a 16 week old too - also IVF. Very traumatic time too. I am an older mum and the younger:natural pregnancy babies tend to ignore me too! Fine by me. But I am bloody worried for my child! Don’t want her to be ostracised in the future because of me!!

Oh wow what a load of crap some of these people are talking.

OP, some people in baby groups are just completely fixated on making themselves feel superior and like great parents. I had an elective c section, did a bit of breastfeeding and then switched to formula (and I don’t need to explain why, it doesn’t concern anyone else), used a dummy until 5 months (in line with nhs recommendations), use screen time as I see appropriate, moved my baby to his own bedroom at 5 months when he started sleeping throug. The people in that group sound like they would revel in giving me advice.. I’m actually quite a senior doctor specialising in child development. I have had plenty of discussions with people who have been harping on about the way they do things and then who suddenly become so sheepish when they realise what I do for a living.

Your baby sounds happy and healthy, don’t worry about anyone else and what they think. Also maybe don’t listen to the HV about continuing with this specific group, have a look for a different tribe and you’ll find them eventually :). For what it’s worth my baby group wasn’t really like this, we did all do things quite differently but people were respectful of others decisions.

Those women are being incredibly rude and unkind to you. To put it bluntly they’re the problem, not you.

You’re not doing anything to warrant such judgment from them, to shame a woman for a c-section is appalling, as are the other comments about formula, your baby’s size and sleep, etc.

Try suggesting a coffee after one of the baby activities with another mum, supportive and kind mum friends regardless of their parenting styles can be really great for postpartum mental health but the women you’re currently spending time with sound so unpleasant.

You’ve just not met your tribe yet! It’s great that your partner parents and that you get time to yourself, very important for your mental health. I’d bin this group off and only meet up with people that you feel supported by. It does take time to find them, but they are out there. Good luck and fabulous that you have a baby that sleeps.

Oh God don't hang out with these women

They all sound absolutely dull as dishwater. A group of Mombies (zombies). Awful women. Find your inner voice and start back answering them. Don’t keep going if it’s making you feel worse. Join peanut app or something and meet some mothers who tell it like it is, rather than these absolute bores. Sounds like something from the 1950s. Yak! Do it return.

Let’s start by saying ‘A C SECTION IS A NATURAL BIRTH’

There is nothing unnatural about it - it’s not like you gave birth via your anus or out of your mouth! Joking aside, please ignore anyone that thinks a vaginal birth is the only ‘natural’ way to give birth.

Your HV is an idiot and you are free to choose to attend whichever type of group you choose. If she had got to know you, she would already know that pushing you to join a group full of judgmental, shows-offs is absolutely not good for your well-being.

Please try and find a group that you feel you will get more support from.

You may have guessed already that I had my DS by C section, who was also bottle fed and slept through the night at 3 months. Nothing to be worried about or ashamed of. My DS is now 19 and is amazing. Happy, kind, pretty academic, lots of friends and healthy.

You sound like a fabulous Mum and will definitely benefit from being surrounded by a with a very small group of other Mums, who are caring and supportive. I hope you can find people like this.

OP you've been through a lot and you already know you don't need negative judgmental people in you and your DC & partner lives.
Babies and toddlers have phases that are easier and phases that are hard. While enjoying/surviving it you don't want four 'perfectionists' influencing how you feel.
I took my DC to multiple groups and stuck with the ones we both enjoyed.

@August1980 Please don't necessarily see this as inevitable, but as an older mum I felt very bypassed. Many mums had husbands applying for "that" job and were seeking the pot at the end of the rainbow. In many ways DH and me were already there (to some extent) already. So we just were not like them. DH was successful and it did set us apart. So did our age. It's a difficult road to navigate and I wish you well. Not everyone judges on superficial things but many do.

Be very quietly smug and happy that you have the best baby experience now (which you have earned after your horrors to get here!) it's your turn to have an easier time.
Everyone has to justify their own decisions, and people are more thoughtless when they're tired. But let them complain about their nipples etc it's a safe space. Just listen and empathize without giving advice is the lesson you've learned I think!

I had an elective c section and pumped for months and I missed out on a lot due to my pumping schedule - I wouldn't pump for that long again.

Ps do a baby massage class or baby sensory to make new friends

Ps my partner left me just before baby was born. One thing I couldn't stand was people complaining about how their partners didn't quite get it or weren't quite helpful enough . But I didn't blame them for it - that's what was upsetting them. And I had my mum constantly brining me meals and doing my laundry for me which quite a few of them were probably jealous of!

Bin this group off straight away. I had a similar experience. As well as being judgy, the conversation bored me to death.
The activity groups were better , where there was structure and purpose to the meeting- you will likely meet people here who you gel with.

I wasn’t in Denmark when I went through this, and the mothers group at the post birth centre struggled to make room for us when I arrived.

I didn’t have any opportunity to put make up on or have my hair touched up as most appeared to have done.

it was a clicky group that I was never going to be a member of. Just find your own tribe. We are there !

YANBU I think in general new first time mums are generally annoying don’t worry about it. The stuff you said they say all sounds too familiar. It’s unfortunate that at this vulnerable time some women see it like competitive parenting. It does tend to settle down though at their babies get older. I’d suggest making your own support group with the mums from the groups you do they will probably be a lot more chilled and confident in their own parenting that they don’t need to make comments on other peoples.

Meh... I hated the group I got put in! Although ironically I'm still on chatting terms with quite a few of them.

Find a Baby and Toddler Group. Some are for just parents with babies under a year and make some non-judgy friends.

Stop going. All you’ve got in common with them is that you are all mothers. Like 4 billion other woman in the world. And some of those questions and comments sound lacking in emotional intelligence and a bit thick- headed tbh.
Can you find another group? Or do something else like join a baby sensory group or a library baby group? Never mind what the health visitor says. She’s not the one that has to go.

I know some people find these groups a great help but I always found it weird to make friends based firstly on us having kids of a similar age.

My daughter was a premmie so spent time in the NICu . I felt like I didn’t fit the normal pattern of how one should have a baby . If I’d had to go to a group like yours, it would have made it worse.

Leave. They don’t sound nice people anyway so why waste any more time with them!

OP I'm very similar to you and those women sound insufferable. Not to mention they're ceeating rods for their own backs by doing everything the hard way.
Don't go back. Find yourself a nice playgroup and talk to the grandparents, they're normally a far more interesting bunch.

YANBU, they sound horrible and ignorant. Complain to the health visitor then stop going to the group. There are loads of other baby and toddler groups out there - look on Facebook or Happity.

You sound a bit judgmental yourself and if you have mental health issues, you may be misinterpreting what they are saying to an extent. I say this as a friend of mine said the exact same thing about a particular mum and baby group (she gave birth a month before me). When I went, I found everyone to be super nice and supportive. But then again I do breastfeed and I am horribly sleep deprived so you and I have nothing in common anyway.

And I can’t stand women who keep telling me to give my baby formula as if that is the magical solution to all my problems.

Either way, you have nothing in common so stop going.

Complain about what?!
Oh people are the group have different parenting styles than me!
TELL THEM OFF!! CENSOR THEM!! ??

How does OP sound judgmental?