To feel rejected by mother’s group?

[Copenhagener]

I had my baby girl 4 months ago.

I was placed in a new mother’s group by my health visitor and we are encouraged to meet weekly.

Background: had a terrible time getting pregnant and needed IVF, and had an awful pregnancy and ended up with some quite intense post-partum depression. Breastfeeding didn’t work out (my milk never really came in and baby ended up in NICU because her body needed more food) so I switched to formula with no other choice - and she is now thriving and it admittedly made my life a lot easier. I also had to have a planned c-section because baby was footling breech and I had severe polyhydramnios that could’ve killed her if I’d gone into labour naturally. I will never, ever have another child.

In a nutshell: I didn’t have it particularly easy.

The women in my mother group all had natural unmedicated births, exclusively breastfeed, co-sleep, baby wear, and spend the sessions talking about never getting any sleep themselves, and their complications from vaginal delivery/sore boobs/hormones and cranky crying up all night babies. All normal things - but none that I experience.

I really try not to bring up my experience of my baby - she sleeps through the night in her own bed, doesn’t really cry, and is a very happy, independent girl and eats easily (and my partner and I do 50/50 with feeds). I don’t find being a mother that challenging generally - besides my mental health sometimes. But I feel they think I’m a ’fake’ or bad mother because I have no real issues or complaints and I don’t want to make them up!

some things I’ve had said:

• breast is so much better for them! I would never formula feed - the hospital made me once and I was so happy my baby refluxed that rubbish straight back up
• You should see a lactation consultant (I did)
• why didn’t you keep trying with pumping, I pump every 2 hours
• I am so proud of my birth - I tore 3rd degree but at least I didn’t have a c-section - it would’ve wrecked my mental health to know I didn’t give birth properly to her.
• there must be something wrong with your baby if she sleeps so much
• Why do you use a pacifier, it’s bad for them (she has a strong suck reflux and hospital recommended them for non-bf babies)
• she’s really big. (She’s 7.5kg/size 68) are you over feeding her?
• how could you only want one child, she will be lonely.
• why would you want to go back to work so quickly? (I’m taking 8 months leave then dad is doing 3 months).
• I could never leave my baby alone while they’re so little (I go to the cinema/beauty salon/yoga/Pilates/etc a couple of times a week while dad takes care of baby at the weekends/evenings).
• Why do you take her to all those classes? They just want mum right now and it’s overstimulating! (We go to disco babies / baby swim / baby singing - she loves it!).
• Why don’t you use a carrier? (she’s heavy and I had a section!). Plus; I find walking her in the pram is helping my core rehabilitate more.

I don’t openly say I get good sleep, but when one specifically asked I did tell her (and reiterated it’s probably sheer luck I have a good sleeper and nothing I’ve done) she stopped replying to me completely.

I feel a bit left out and actually like I’m annoying them because we don’t relate much. In my country breastfeeding is very widespread and quite judged about if you don’t do it. C sections cannot be elective so they’re quite unusual too. I want to be sympathetic and I am, but I don’t have first hand experience and it shows.

I just feel sad that there’s no grace given for my baby decisions/what happened to me, and that while I am lucky now with my daughter and her temperament, it wasn’t always this way and could easily change in future.

Would it be unreasonable to stop going to the group? My health visitor says I really should continue for my mental health/ppd. But I feel unwelcome and actually more sad after each meet up.

They are bonding over shared worries and vulnerabilities as well as experiences. You had a genuinely hard time, and are finding it easier now.

If you want to go back to the group and fit in better-
Gosh I wish I could breast feed. Washing and making the bottles is a drag and I worry about hygiene.
My Scar is a bit sore today, I hope it’s healing ok.
I’m worrying a bit about when she starts moving, I don’t know whether I’ve definitely childproofed the house, what if I’ve missed something?

The thing is, you protect your mental health by focusing on the positives, they might see that as you ‘having it easy’.

Honestly I would probably look for friends elsewhere, but that takes energy. If you want to fit in with the group you already have, channel some problems!

You sound so apologetic for anything positive you’re experiencing and a little like you have no autonomy around your choice of whether to go to this group or not, that won’t help your MH. Listen to yourself and what feels ok for you, your health visitor should be helping you build your confidence as a mum.
you mention ‘in my country’ sorry to ask but are you the only person of a different heritage in this group? I just wonder if this is a factor in how you’re being treated.
Unfortunately, probs a lot to do with pressure from social media to be perfect, motherhood can make people quite competitive and their comments smack of jealousy that despite your rough start you seem to have a happy, settled baby and a supportive partner who values your identity as a person not just a mum and wants you to have a healthy balanced life! I’m sure they would kill for that.
be kind to yourself, enjoy your lovely baby and her away form this toxic group. Like you say, you won’t experience this stage of motherhood again so make the most of the good bits and don’t let anyone sap the joy out of it xx

so drop that one and focus on the other groups that you go to and enjoy?

A friend who had PPD said all sorts of comments that weren't actually what had been said, but were her interpretation of them. So someone talked about how well their baby was growing because he spent so long breastfeeding and asked her baby's weight - she said "X was suggesting [her baby] is underweight just because she isn't breastfed, it's so rude!". But I was there and that is not what was said. There were lots of examples like that, and she really withdrew from everyone. When we reconnected later, she talked about the PPD and it seemed such a shame that she didn't trust everyone enough to talk to them at the time. This may not be the case for you, but worth being aware the brain can do odd things.

I hope you are making friends at other baby groups who are more on your level. And it is possible that some of these women are unwelcoming. It is also worth making sure you are gettng as much help as you need, so asking the HV for a different group may be best. Give the new tired mums a chance, if you don't open up then they may not realise where and why you are sensitive. If you're open and someone is nasty then you weed out non-friends, and if they respond well then it's all good.

I'd leave. If this group is meant to be helping you feel connected and part of a community, then its not fulfilling it's purpose. They sound very judgemental and most of what they are saying is BS. My babies were mostly sleeping through at 4 months although that did change as they got older. I've never really resonated with other mothers who say they find motherhood so difficult. Yes, everyone has some kind of struggle at some point or another but for the most part, it's came naturally to me and it's great that you seem to be the same way.

I’m not sure I’ve met a single other mother that is similar to the type in your post. You do get some know it alls, but the odd one who wants to tell you the best position to hold your baby for feeding, etc - not all of that.
And I quite often wonder if any mother ever has an easy time of birth/labour because every other mother I’ve met seems to have a story about a difficult pregnancy/birth/post natal experience.
Basically, you just need to find a different group because most the mums I know are like you.

You must have been so unlucky with that group! I've had 3 kids and never came across anything like that at the groups I went to.

Sounds familiar - and I exclusively breastfed, co-slept and both babies spent a lot of time attached to me in the baby carrier.

Lots of women are incredibly judgy and it's exacerbated when they have a baby. It doesn't sound like this group is for you. I stopped seeing mine when the cliqueyness got too much. You're not failing if you stop seeing them. Could you find another group? I hate to say this but could you find one in a less affluent area? You're less likely to get the formula, co sleeping comments.

OP do you mean you've been placed in a chat group online like a WhatsApp group? It sounds like posts on there are maybe harsher than in they would be in real life because it's not in person and you don't know these people.
It's not supportive for you so it's of no benefit. Just leave the chat completely and let the HV know why. You don't have to go along with it. It sounds soul destroying.
It sounds like you're doing you and that's what you should be doing.

Agree with all the previous posters. You sound like you are doing really well, and under normal circumstances I suspect you would not natural hang around with a group of people that want to rain on your parade.

Do you have other Mum friends you can arrange to go for a coffee with? I would focus in your other activities, plan something every day - either a formal activity, popping to the shop, meeting up with another mum or friend on a 1:1 or small group setting, visiting family etc. And if your HV can suggest a nicer group then that would be the icing on the cake. It is important to get out and meet people, but only if they are nice!

Your list of things they criticised did give me a wry smile, though. My experience of my c-section also meant I couldn't use a sling/carrier and I felt quite sad at the time.

Look after yourself and little one. These days go in the blink of an eye.

Sounds like you are doing a great job! Just leave. I never went to a group like this. Invite a couple of mum's at the baby groups for coffee and get chatting that way. A previous poster mentioned that the judging gets worse when milestone competition comes in. That's so true. I had an early developer and that rubbed a couple of people up the wrong way. I ended up finding a supportive mums group with babies who were a little older that mine and that helped with some of that judge nonsense as they were hitting milestones at the same time or my DD was slightly behind so it wasn't noticed as much. If you and your baby are enjoying baby disco and singing, then that's the place to find mums with a similar approach. There is no right way to raise your child, you just need to find your tribe.

@GRex I have to say I did wonder if that is what has happened here too. If things people have said have been misinterpreted. That’s an awful lot of unpleasant comments to be said to one person.

I don't think these mums sound judgey! You've all had your babies four months ago. If you haven't experienced the relentless sleep deprivation and painful hearing of a severe vaginal birth, you won't be able to relate. I have. Mentally I was drained, my body downstairs took longer to recover than I anticipated and even going to the toilet was a traumatic event. Some women are probably jealous of your situation, which doesn't surprise me. But also, when you're sleep deprived and so exhausted you probably don't have the mental capacity to tip toe around other people. In your post you do sound a little smug, how you write you're not finding motherhood hard at all. If this is the only bump in the road so far I'd count yourself lucky, get some empathy for those who haven't had it so easy and leave the mother's group if it's upsetting you. It's not a difficult fix.

Find another group. That lot sound rather uneducated!

I met my best mate though a baby group. Her 1st baby and my second.

When I had my first the mums I met were just too judgemental. They were not my sort of people and we just didn't bond. Very pretentious, turned their noses up at my love of second hand and recycling.

I've just re read and have seen you meet weekly. Sorry I missed that.
It's still not supportive.

Find another space to hang I think. These people sound incredibly unpleasant.

Tell your HV that hanging around with toxic people doesn't really help your MH either.

They’re twats, you shouldn’t want to spend time with them anyway (same thing happened in my NCT group, that new mother superior herd mentality is a special kind of toxic - I have learnt it’s from their own cluelessness and insecurity and unhappiness).

I hope you told them how hard you had it in pregnancy. They’re trying to make you have a hard time because it sounds like your newborn days are going well. I feel like most people have at least one element - pregnancy, birth or newborn phase - easy and the others hard. They’re clearly not thriving with newborns whereas you are.

Wow what a load of self opinionated AHs they are, well, either that or they're competing to win the 'i have it worse' award!

Ask your HW to put you with another group. Tell her what it's like. You need to be with other mums who have had a similar experience to you or who are more open to differences and a lot less judgey.

Well done for getting your baby settled so quickly too. My HW told me babies are calm when their parents and environment are calm. Ours slept through from a young age and have been no probs travelling, in public places etc etc.

They sound very insecure which is understandable but not nice if you feel you are treated as an outsider. By the time your child is 5 no one will care about all these thingsot be able to tell who was breastfed etc . Leave the group, it's not doing anything for your mental health.

OP, I was in the same position as you, and had the same experience as you with the mum groups. I didn't find parenting at all hard, my baby slept because I didn't breastfeed (and I could share the feeds with my husband, anyway), and I didn't have a wrecked vagina from a natural birth! I felt great about these things, but couldn't share that with these moany mums who experienced everything so hard (self-inflicted).

Just keep to yourself or meet up with pre-existing friends in the evenings.

My experience of these mums, some years on, is that they simply do not like their kids. They continue to struggle with all aspects of parenthood as the children grow up. It's like they got stuck in a pattern from breastfeeding and the resentment and negativity stayed. I find it hard to be around. I love my kids, and love parenting. You'll see a lot of these unhappy, resentful mums on here, where everyone chimes in about how hard and horrible parenting is.

This group does sound bad for your mental health. I give you permission to stop going!

Those other mums sound jealous and insecure about their choices.

I was gonna say it sounds like you live in Denmark then saw your username 😁 I wouldn't bother going. Breastfeeding is very much the norm here (I don't know a single Danish mum/parent who bottle fed!) and I can imagine you'd get a lot of 'shaming' for not doing it. I'm sorry, that's not right .
My baby was a good sleeper (at night at least) and I sometimes felt a bit rejected cause I simply wasn't as tired as the other mums in my group!
There' lots of baby groups in Copenhagen - instagram is a good place to start.

The group is making you feel bad so not serving the purpose of being good for you.

They sound awful. I wouldn't go back, but i would try and find something else to socialise with other mums. A baby class or something.

I think it would be better for your MH if you stopped going tbh. You're an 'outlier' because you had a different pregnancy & birth experience. I had similar, my ante natal group were lovely but i only went to one meet up post birth - i had serious complications during pregnancy and ended up with spells in hospital & an ECS, something no one else in the group had so i was the 'odd one out'. No one's fault, just the way it went.

You're getting out & about with the baby and also have some time to yourself, these are positives for your MH and baby's socialisation. So keep on with those things and drop the group.
I subsequently made good & long lasting friends with other mums through playgroups as dc got older, baby groups aren't the be all and end all of 'mum' friendships.

This group isn’t benefiting you so stop going! You can’t help it that your baby sleeps through etc.. I mean I’d have been jealous but still included you! My child is 7 and still doesn’t haha!

Find other groups, make other friends who are kind and accepting!