To feel rejected by mother’s group?

[Copenhagener]

I had my baby girl 4 months ago.

I was placed in a new mother’s group by my health visitor and we are encouraged to meet weekly.

Background: had a terrible time getting pregnant and needed IVF, and had an awful pregnancy and ended up with some quite intense post-partum depression. Breastfeeding didn’t work out (my milk never really came in and baby ended up in NICU because her body needed more food) so I switched to formula with no other choice - and she is now thriving and it admittedly made my life a lot easier. I also had to have a planned c-section because baby was footling breech and I had severe polyhydramnios that could’ve killed her if I’d gone into labour naturally. I will never, ever have another child.

In a nutshell: I didn’t have it particularly easy.

The women in my mother group all had natural unmedicated births, exclusively breastfeed, co-sleep, baby wear, and spend the sessions talking about never getting any sleep themselves, and their complications from vaginal delivery/sore boobs/hormones and cranky crying up all night babies. All normal things - but none that I experience.

I really try not to bring up my experience of my baby - she sleeps through the night in her own bed, doesn’t really cry, and is a very happy, independent girl and eats easily (and my partner and I do 50/50 with feeds). I don’t find being a mother that challenging generally - besides my mental health sometimes. But I feel they think I’m a ’fake’ or bad mother because I have no real issues or complaints and I don’t want to make them up!

some things I’ve had said:

• breast is so much better for them! I would never formula feed - the hospital made me once and I was so happy my baby refluxed that rubbish straight back up
• You should see a lactation consultant (I did)
• why didn’t you keep trying with pumping, I pump every 2 hours
• I am so proud of my birth - I tore 3rd degree but at least I didn’t have a c-section - it would’ve wrecked my mental health to know I didn’t give birth properly to her.
• there must be something wrong with your baby if she sleeps so much
• Why do you use a pacifier, it’s bad for them (she has a strong suck reflux and hospital recommended them for non-bf babies)
• she’s really big. (She’s 7.5kg/size 68) are you over feeding her?
• how could you only want one child, she will be lonely.
• why would you want to go back to work so quickly? (I’m taking 8 months leave then dad is doing 3 months).
• I could never leave my baby alone while they’re so little (I go to the cinema/beauty salon/yoga/Pilates/etc a couple of times a week while dad takes care of baby at the weekends/evenings).
• Why do you take her to all those classes? They just want mum right now and it’s overstimulating! (We go to disco babies / baby swim / baby singing - she loves it!).
• Why don’t you use a carrier? (she’s heavy and I had a section!). Plus; I find walking her in the pram is helping my core rehabilitate more.

I don’t openly say I get good sleep, but when one specifically asked I did tell her (and reiterated it’s probably sheer luck I have a good sleeper and nothing I’ve done) she stopped replying to me completely.

I feel a bit left out and actually like I’m annoying them because we don’t relate much. In my country breastfeeding is very widespread and quite judged about if you don’t do it. C sections cannot be elective so they’re quite unusual too. I want to be sympathetic and I am, but I don’t have first hand experience and it shows.

I just feel sad that there’s no grace given for my baby decisions/what happened to me, and that while I am lucky now with my daughter and her temperament, it wasn’t always this way and could easily change in future.

Would it be unreasonable to stop going to the group? My health visitor says I really should continue for my mental health/ppd. But I feel unwelcome and actually more sad after each meet up.

If it is making you miserable, don't go. Maybe see if some of the mums from the disco/singing groups want to grab a cuppa after class instead.

Yeah I've never had a good experience with baby groups, I stopped going. 😅 I got asked to leave one once because my baby had an allergy undiagnosed at the time and permanently screamed, refused to feed and I was "distressing the other mums and babies" i cried so much 😂.
It turns out she has additional needs, so has a developmental delay, at the baby groups when the babies were learning to crawl she just layed there, blankly staring..I had so many comments. At one point they went to sit for coffee time and they're were no seats and they turned their backs to me. I was holding my baby in one arm and her lunch bag in the other. (Delay she couldn't sit till 9 months, so couldn't sit in the baby chairs) I just turned and walked out not knowing what to do.

I had never felt so insecure and a poor excuse of a mum in my life. I just surround myself with people who bring me up. (Very limited at the moment) but I'd rather be by myself loving my kids then riddled with feelings of inadequacy comparing my toddler, who is wonderful and can't help her needs, she deserves to be free to be quirky in all her glory full of smiles.

Yes I am! In Copenhagen.

We go to a church singing group on Mondays, which is really nice for baby, but it’s not very social - people tend to run off as soon as it’s done. But I’ll persevere.

I really like my sundhedsplejske, but I think you’re right, sometimes the assigned groups just don’t work out.

Some groups are like this but most aren’t so bin them off and find some nicer women.
I had a similar journey to you with my first and also ended up with a FF brilliant sleeper in a group with 7 other nct babies who were all BF- the mums were great- kind, supportive and fun. It IS out there for you- just got to cut loose and find the nice mums.

Wow! They sound like a bunch of judgement assholes. They are martyr moms who will end up with anxious and neurotic kids. Sadly I know this from personal experience because I was the child of one of these martyr-moms. I am still trying to undo the damage and I never want kids of my own.

Keep doing what you're doing OP. You and your partner have this down and your kids will get the best chance in life. Don't let these sad idiots drag you down to their level.

Please stop going to the group! These women sound like absolute dickheads!

I don't know why the health visitor would push going to this group which clearly does nothing for your mental health when your mental health is already been tricky.

I've been there with the feeding side of things, with my first I felt terrible and would feel ashamed every time I got a bottle out at a group or places.

By the time I had my second and had experienced a late miscarriage I knew that ultimately the feeding thing made no difference long term.

Now both of mine are at school. Happily thriving. There is no way you can tell who was bottle fed or breastfed. There is no correlation between which kids get sick more often and how they were fed as babies.

Also my two slept completely differently despite both being fed the same way.

Parenting is challenging enough. I was very fortunate that I did eventually discover a handful of friends who despite us all doing things slightly differently (because each family and kid is different) we get on very well, we don't judge, we listen and we support.

If it is any consolation I think sometimes the ones who are so vocal about the 'best' way to do things are the ones who are also struggling and asserting this bit of control and looking for the right way is a way of grasping that. It's not fair or right but becoming parents can throw us all in ways we don't expect.

Yes I hung out with loads of different mums on my mat leave and I can't imagine anyone making a negative comment about feeding/ what kind of birth/ baby carrying etc. These things really don't matter anyway. They seemd very important when you are in the early, hormonal thick of it but then they don't mean anything a year later.

Leave the group and make some nice mum friends at activities.

Mum and baby groups are either the nicest and most supportive thing you will ever go to, or full of the worst, stuck up arseholes in existence, especially when you get a gang of pro breastfeeders who have no understanding that some people just can’t breastfeed!

I would stop going to that one straight away and find something else, there will 100% be one nearby! I actually didn’t bother with those traditional sit around the room and talk type of things, I made great mum friends from talking my son swimming, and to music classes etc.

Your experiences are very similar to mine. I’m on the other side of things now with a thriving, kind 4 year old who has a rock solid immune system and is running rings rounds all his peers and much older kids. You are doing great! Don’t let the opinions of a few (most likely jealous) individuals get you down! You get to see the rewards of all your hard work and sacrifice every single day and as time goes on that reward will get even greater when you see what a wonderful human being you have created!

The women in this group sound a bit weird tbh. I formula fed from day one simply because I didn't fancy breast feeding.
No one has ever said anything judgemental to me about that fact ( at least not to my face) the fact that they think it's OK to do so in a big group makes me think that they must all be a bit odd.
Are they even the type of people you would want to be friends with, babies aside?

Absolutely not the point of this thread, but I've given birth both ways. Both were horrific. But the caesarean recovery was so much worse.

It sounds like you're absolutely smashing motherhood, btw, OP. Well done!

Def stop going - they are not supportive

I do find that some mums preach about bf - esp tho who find easy

some struggle with it. I didn’t enjoy or find easy and I’m a mn who had helped and supported many mums bf via my job so know what to do and how to get a good latch /positions etc BUT I hated bf and stopped after think 6/8w

your baby sounds she is thriving - you have a supportive helpful partner

mahbe some of these woman are actually jealous of you and bitch to make theirselves sound better

They generally sound unpleasant though I did pick up on your use of the word "independent", which I don't think is really ever an appropriate word for a 4-month-old (she is not independent in any meaningful sense, she can do almost nothing and without you she would die). It comes across as perhaps an unreasonable boast about how special and unique your child is. I wonder if little things like that might have put them off you.

This reminds me of the NCT group I joined whilst pregnant with DS1. In hindsight, it was a big mistake and I wish I'd not bothered. I felt so left out and couldn't be myself at all. It actually really marred first year of DS life.

So, I would move on. It's not worth it.

This group sounds awful OP. Please do yourself and your mental health a favour and stop going! I eventually checked out of my NCT group as I found one or two other mums locally that I clicked with, without any of the ridiculous competitive mothering.

The mother who said this to you is a top class twit - ‘I am so proud of my birth - I tore 3rd degree but at least I didn’t have a c-section - it would’ve wrecked my mental health to know I didn’t give birth properly to her’. What an asshole comment. I had my DD by C section and it was marvellous. Like going on holiday compared to my DS, who was forceps delivery. If anything, my MH was better following a section. Birth is birth, however it happens.

Bin them off asap go and have a coffee with your lovely baby. Nastys cows.

This!

For your mental health I think you should leave the group.

They sound awful. OP you are doing a fantastic job with your gorgeous chilled baby and DH who sounds very involved.

Dump these martyr mums and their ridiculous judgements and bragging. No two experiences are ever the same and there is no right or wrong - we’re all just surviving really!

I didn’t bf either of my DCs and I had 2 c-sections one emergency and the other elective. I didn’t co sleep either and they both slept through from 8 weeks ish (mostly!) Both now healthy, robust and happy adults!

Enjoy this special time OP and cut off anyone who is dulling your sparkle and sapping your joy.

Is it possible to switch to another group? Some of those comments are really unhelpful and ignorant to other birth experience but it sounds like you have a lot of trauma and talking about your experience could really help you going forward. If the mother’s group is not a good place for that then maybe you could look into counselling. I think you need to try and forget about competing with their positive experiences and just open and honestly talk about your real sadly not perfect experiences. You might actually encourage them to be more honest and open too. Unfortunately, many of the Instagram generation feel the need to put a positive front on everything to ‘keep up appearances’ due to the huge amount of pressure to be seen to be having a perfect life. I don’t for a second believe that any woman is pleased they had a massive tare. That will be something they tell themselves and others so as to seem that they have it all together.

This is not the group for you! They sound judgemental, nasty and also clueless!

I would stop going, you are going to a lot of classes that hopefully you’ll meet some nicer mums!
If you health visitor asks the problem then explain being judged and passive aggressive comments do not help your mental health.

Stop going!!! Something I’ve learned through the years is don’t force myself to be friends with people who make me feel like shit. I’d rather be lonely than have “friends” like that.

OP, you are under no obligation to these women. Leave them to their echo chamber and don’t look back.

These do not sound like mother's I'd want to meet with. Ditch them, and carry on as you are. Sounds like you've had a horrendous time, but hopefully you're coming out of the hardest parts now. Enjoy your baby and your life x

They sound awful, don’t go back!

I am a firm believer in if I was meant to have something hanging from my nipple, I would eat grass and say moo 🐄

Yes! I only met one other mother who used formula here in Copenhagen (combination feeds) and while I always expected to breastfeed myself, my boobs just wouldn’t cooperate. I struggled massively mentally with it at first, but I’ve made my peace now.

I’ve certainly felt the shaming - most people are kinder when I explain it’s for a medical reason and my baby would’ve died if I’d carried on, but I feel sad about the shaming over what should be a woman’s own choice.

Also agree that talking about breastfeeding takes up an enormous amount of the meet-ups conversation space. I have sympathy, but there’s only so much I can say when I couldn’t do it myself, and hard to see a couple of mothers absolutely killing themselves trying to do it. I often end up sitting in silence which is awkward.

Thanks for the advice re: other groups, appreciate it :)