To feel rejected by mother’s group?

[Copenhagener]

I had my baby girl 4 months ago.

I was placed in a new mother’s group by my health visitor and we are encouraged to meet weekly.

Background: had a terrible time getting pregnant and needed IVF, and had an awful pregnancy and ended up with some quite intense post-partum depression. Breastfeeding didn’t work out (my milk never really came in and baby ended up in NICU because her body needed more food) so I switched to formula with no other choice - and she is now thriving and it admittedly made my life a lot easier. I also had to have a planned c-section because baby was footling breech and I had severe polyhydramnios that could’ve killed her if I’d gone into labour naturally. I will never, ever have another child.

In a nutshell: I didn’t have it particularly easy.

The women in my mother group all had natural unmedicated births, exclusively breastfeed, co-sleep, baby wear, and spend the sessions talking about never getting any sleep themselves, and their complications from vaginal delivery/sore boobs/hormones and cranky crying up all night babies. All normal things - but none that I experience.

I really try not to bring up my experience of my baby - she sleeps through the night in her own bed, doesn’t really cry, and is a very happy, independent girl and eats easily (and my partner and I do 50/50 with feeds). I don’t find being a mother that challenging generally - besides my mental health sometimes. But I feel they think I’m a ’fake’ or bad mother because I have no real issues or complaints and I don’t want to make them up!

some things I’ve had said:

• breast is so much better for them! I would never formula feed - the hospital made me once and I was so happy my baby refluxed that rubbish straight back up
• You should see a lactation consultant (I did)
• why didn’t you keep trying with pumping, I pump every 2 hours
• I am so proud of my birth - I tore 3rd degree but at least I didn’t have a c-section - it would’ve wrecked my mental health to know I didn’t give birth properly to her.
• there must be something wrong with your baby if she sleeps so much
• Why do you use a pacifier, it’s bad for them (she has a strong suck reflux and hospital recommended them for non-bf babies)
• she’s really big. (She’s 7.5kg/size 68) are you over feeding her?
• how could you only want one child, she will be lonely.
• why would you want to go back to work so quickly? (I’m taking 8 months leave then dad is doing 3 months).
• I could never leave my baby alone while they’re so little (I go to the cinema/beauty salon/yoga/Pilates/etc a couple of times a week while dad takes care of baby at the weekends/evenings).
• Why do you take her to all those classes? They just want mum right now and it’s overstimulating! (We go to disco babies / baby swim / baby singing - she loves it!).
• Why don’t you use a carrier? (she’s heavy and I had a section!). Plus; I find walking her in the pram is helping my core rehabilitate more.

I don’t openly say I get good sleep, but when one specifically asked I did tell her (and reiterated it’s probably sheer luck I have a good sleeper and nothing I’ve done) she stopped replying to me completely.

I feel a bit left out and actually like I’m annoying them because we don’t relate much. In my country breastfeeding is very widespread and quite judged about if you don’t do it. C sections cannot be elective so they’re quite unusual too. I want to be sympathetic and I am, but I don’t have first hand experience and it shows.

I just feel sad that there’s no grace given for my baby decisions/what happened to me, and that while I am lucky now with my daughter and her temperament, it wasn’t always this way and could easily change in future.

Would it be unreasonable to stop going to the group? My health visitor says I really should continue for my mental health/ppd. But I feel unwelcome and actually more sad after each meet up.

Don't bother going back! Just because you all had babies at the same time doesn't mean you have anything else in common.
It can take a while to find your Mum friends. I didn't really until I had my second child and my eldest began school.
I was like you, taking my baby to different classes. It was to vary my day and my kid's day! Perhaps you'll find more like-minded people at one of those classes?

Absolutely stop going to them and print out your op to give to the health visitor should she give you any grief for not going. They sound utterly unpleasant and I hope they get their smug attitude wiped off their faces with their second birth. Nothing worse than a new parent who thinks anything to do with their birth or newborn is under their control.

You are not being unreasonable.
How would you feel about challenging them?
Actually coming out and saying, I feel a bit judged and was thinking a out leaving the group...we all care for our babies differently and can we support each other in our differences? .
Not an easy thing to do but t maybe worth it.
I know in early sleep deprived new born days I made a friend feel judged (completely unintentionally) she mentioned formula and I said ah I didn't realise you were doing that, or something It really wasn't thought out and it came out completely wrong..but Im glad she told me so I could apologise and put it right.

Honestly just don’t go. I seriously don’t understand some women. And don’t get me started on the breastfeeding brigade who are full of advice and opinions but completely miss the point that some of us literally couldn’t breastfeed. It broke my heart that I couldn’t so to hear comments like that about formula, it’s just ridiculous. We didn’t all get a choice. Bin them off.

I think simply stating
"I tried breastfeeding but baby ended up in hospital"
"I planned a natural birth but baby wasn't in the right position"
"My baby is happier in the pram"
Etc... should be enough to stop judgment. If it's not they are very ridiculous women. Short concise sentences should be enough.. sometimes when you over explain yourself it sounds apologetic. Be confident.
And absolutely stop going if it's not helping,

I say this as someone who tore quite badly and breastfed for 14 months.

OP they sound hideous. Leave the group don’t bother trying to engage. Not your tribe.

Don’t overthink this @Copenhagener

This is not your tribe. The only thing in common that you have, is that you have had a baby

Before kids, I’m assuming you wouldn’t have tied yourself in knots wondering why you don’t get on with someone. Don’t do it post kids.

Focus on ways to meet people who are on your wavelength.

In my experience, it's not a good idea to get too involved with other parents with babies of the same age until they are about 3yo. Especially if it is their first child. It's too easy to compare and feel competitive or disheartened.

They sound awful and very judgemental. I'd not return and look for a new group.

I hadn't even noticed your username! I think you should ask the hv if there are any other groups you could switch to. We took someone into my first mother group a couple of months after we'd started.

Are you a Brit or a proper Dane or some other nationality? Because the dynamic is different in dk. The baby groups are more static.

I'm in Jutland and the libraries do baby groups too, and some fysio places do post natal training. But you're right people do tend to dash off. I think your best bet is to find others who need friends in a new place. So internationals really.

Held og lykke!

I've only had planned c section deliveries. I don't think it ever crossed my mind that my mental health would have/ should have suffered as I didn't have a vaginal birth. I was just glad to be having a baby.

My group all had vaginal births and I was never made to feel different or lacking in any way (as I was fortunate to have a group of non judgemental mothers)

These women (especially birth / mental health comment woman) sound unhinged!

You sound great OP. Please leave before the judgemental nature of this group starts rubbing off on you.

Before long their perfect, baby wearing little babies will be eating stuff off the floor and their toddlers will be acting like typical toddlers and shoving other toddlers etc etc.

Time to toughen up and learn to ignore outside noise. You are a mother now. This means every choice and decision you make for the rest of your life will be judged. Stop caring about it.

Please stop going! These women sound horribly judgey and there is nothing wrong with anything you’re doing.
With my first baby I tried lots of groups and really struggled to bond with any other mums, and I really felt like it was my fault and nobody liked me. When I had my second I found a lovely supportive group where I felt welcomed and accepted. You’ll find your people! It’s early days. Be kind to yourself 💐

I had a very similar experience with my first baby, I found it very upsetting.

It sounds like you're not in the UK but once I switched from classes / groups I paid for to the ones which were free from the Children’s Centres, all this crap just stopped. There was a better mixture of types of families / baby experiences.

They sound annoying. No point in going if they are just going to irritate you. Try a different group.

Honestly I would stop going, it sounds shit.

I stopped going to a mum and baby group for similar (although opposite) reasons. I was the only one breastfeeding and they made me feel almost embarrassed about it.

It sounds like you enjoy other groups so just keep going to them.

They sound like a bunch of judgemental dickheads

Go to another group. This lot sound painful

Find your own group. Sometimes it's just someone you click with at a play group or randomly on a walk or in a cafe. You only need one good mum friend. Find your tribe 😍

Sorry for your experience OP, sounds rubbish! In my NCT group we had all sorts of challenges and benefits, some good births, some bad ones, some good sleepers and some bad ones, some breastfeeding and some formula. We all just supported each other, as is the point of these groups!

I’d look elsewhere for your tribe, the last thing you need is being constantly judged.

I am so so so so sorry you've had to deal with these people. They sound horrible! I have only read a few bullet points and wanted to cry, I couldn't keep reading!
My circumstances are different to yours (no pregnancy or birth is the same, even for the same woman). Although I have/am ebf my kids, I would never, ever judge someone for using formula (I have many friends who do for soooooooo many, many different reasons). I've also had 2 c-sections (planned and unplanned, although I dreamed of unmedicated vaginal births) and reading some ppl think that's not giving proper birth is really cutting me deep!
I don't think you've been rejected by them, but YOU should definitely reject them and find other mom friends, coz they are vile!!!
If you go to other baby groups and classes, I'm sure you'll find a mom or 2 that you will click with and who aren't as stupidly judgemental as these!

Firstly, you are doing great. The best thing you can do it start listening to yourself and what you think is best. You sound like a great mum and a great person. It really depends on the way the group are saying it, if they are just saying their experiences without judgement then maybe try not to take it personally. If they are judging you or you feel you are not getting any value/friendship from the group stop going. I went to a few groups, some I felt worse coming out so I stopped going. I found one in the end that I enjoyed and made friends at. You could try a different group. For context I did a mix of what you are saying; stopped breast feeding at 3m for various reasons, wore a sling sometimes and sometimes used the pram, dad did a lot of the night feeds etc, went back to work at 9m. We are happy and baby is thriving ! I felt so so bad about formula to begin with but it really was fine, he is very healthy. Please don't put pressure on yourself. X

Those mums sound like horrible women who enjoy making others feel bad by being judgmental.
In all honesty it seems they bring nothing positive or nice to your life so simply stop going for your own and your daughter's sake.
Ditch the bitches!! as life is too short for being made to feel shitty for not breastfeeding etc

God, sounds awful and the absolute last thing you need. Can you make friends through the classes and activities you to go? Sometimes, it's easier if the babies aren't exactly the same age as you don't get that 'oh, doesn't she hold her head up yet?' stuff. Which is meaningless in the great scheme of things, but feels really judgmental at the time.

Congratulations on your lovely little girl and don't waste your time with people who don't make you feel good.

Eurgh don't go back. They sound awful OP. Every birth story is unique, every baby is unique and every mother is unique. You shouldn't be judged and questioned on your choices and struggles.