To hate the term “Passed away”?

[ALovelyShadeofMauve]

Or even worse, simply “Passed”?

I understand people sometimes don’t want to be too blunt around the subject of death. But I’m not suggesting we say “Sorry, Granny’s kicked the bucket/turned up her toes/cashed in her chips” instead. Why can’t we just be honest and factual and use the word “died”?

I find “passed away” or “passed” quite cringey and performative. It seems to imply something peaceful and ethereal; as if it’s just one door closing and another opening as part of the beautiful cycle of life, where we’ll all be reunited in the next world, and that bodies are just vessels for our spiritual energy and so on… Fine if you believe that, but for a lot of us, when you’re dead, that’s it. We don’t need it soft-soaping.

I don’t mind it so much when it’s someone very elderly who has had a genuinely peaceful death. But I’ve seen it used more and more often recently when people have not only died very young, but also in terrible accidents or by suicide. That is not “passing away” - that is a tragedy, possibly involving a lot of suffering, and/or mental pain beforehand. Why try to make out it was all part of the natural circle of life?

Am I just being an old moaner who should let people use whatever expression brings them comfort? Or is it offensive to act like a sudden, painful death is no different to quietly going in your sleep at 95?

Honestly I don’t care which term people use though judging by the frequency of this thread in MN, many do. We all know what it means and that’s what matters imo.

I don't mind "passed away" but agree that "passed" is weird and I wonder what exam someone has passed before realising what the person is talking about.

I hate it too but it helps some people. I feel quite strongly that we shouldn’t police how people talk about and/or consider death.

I absolutely 100% agree with you.
It goes through me and makes me cringe every time I hear it.
What's wrong with saying Nan died.?
It's said with such reverence too.

I agree with you and also don't like the 'battling cancer' phrase either. But I support free speech and often the person using the phrase is bereaved so I can't stand in judgement of them when they are vulnerable/ill.

Me too, when my dad died I really hated it. He died he hadn't passed.

I agree with this because it seems to suggest that some people don't battle hard enough and don't win, hate it

I agree, when someone dies, they have died. They haven't passed, they are not lost, they are dead.
I probably have sounded a bit short with people, I was asked when I lost my parents, my response was I didn't lose them, they died. (Probably a bit unnecessary, but that's how I felt)

My mom recently fell off her perch. My alternative would be that she went down fighting.

People struggle with the death of a loved one, obviously. Why does this need explaining??

Whatever people need to say to help soften the event is absolutely fine by me.

Just because you're ok with "died" doesn't mean everyone is.

Ooh @ALovelyShadeofMauve I like "cashed in her chips," I've not heard that term before (apart from DH when he plays poker)
People look at me askance if I say my dad's dead or so and so has died, as if it's disrespectful.
I don't like "passed" but I accept "passed away" is something people like to use.

@Onlycoffee - totally agree.

YABU. Whether a person dies in their sleep or horribly and painfully at a young age is irrelevant. The term is just a way of saying they left the world, as in passed out of it. It does imply a spiritual element I guess from the soul 'passing' into another dimension, but most people just use it because it's in common usage as a softer/more polite term.

Just because you're ok with "died" doesn't mean everyone is.

I do understand that. But on the other hand, it’s not like “died” is a controversial or potentially offensive term phrase (as with the “battling cancer” debate other posters have mentioned). It’s factual; you can’t argue with it.

You genuinely wonder if they've passed an exam?
Really?

I don't have a problem with what people choose to use.

My mum died by suicide which I don't advertise to anyone not close to me. I also use 'passed away' to explain to anyone not close that she died. I feel like I'm softening the blow for them more than for myself tbh, it often puts people in an uncomfortable position when they ask after my mum and I have to explain she's not alive anymore.

I would also argue that somebody could 'pass away' peacefully at a young age or by suicide, even if their death would objectively be considered tragic.

I know someone who was told her DH “didn’t make it”. She replied “didn’t make what?”. She had gone to hospital to see him and had no idea that he was dead. The “didn’t make it” phrase did not convey the message that her husband had actually died. I prefer clear communication personally.

I dont like the word lost as in dead.
I once got told oh i heard you lost your grandad i replyed with no he`s dead if he was lost id be looking for him.

Passed away and passed aren't controversial or offensive either.

Some people struggle with death. I'm fine with them using whatever language they're comfortable with when discussing it.

YABU and a bit weird about the term @ALovelyShadeofMauve.

Don't like it either I always say died.

I prefer died but appreciate for some it is difficult to say.

But the fact that I and several others on the thread have said we don’t like the terms suggests otherwise!

Agree they're likely finding it hard.

I wouldn’t use it. I would say died.

It used to get me so irrationally angry when my gran died when I heard ‘she passed away’. It was as though people wanted to make it all fluffy and comfortable to deal with. Sorry, she had a drawn out painful death. I sat next to her for hours to stop her pulling her wires out while she yelled in pain and had zero dignity. She died. No it’s not comfortable and sweet. It’s horrible. But don’t try and sugar coat what happened.