To hate the term “Passed away”?

[ALovelyShadeofMauve]

Or even worse, simply “Passed”?

I understand people sometimes don’t want to be too blunt around the subject of death. But I’m not suggesting we say “Sorry, Granny’s kicked the bucket/turned up her toes/cashed in her chips” instead. Why can’t we just be honest and factual and use the word “died”?

I find “passed away” or “passed” quite cringey and performative. It seems to imply something peaceful and ethereal; as if it’s just one door closing and another opening as part of the beautiful cycle of life, where we’ll all be reunited in the next world, and that bodies are just vessels for our spiritual energy and so on… Fine if you believe that, but for a lot of us, when you’re dead, that’s it. We don’t need it soft-soaping.

I don’t mind it so much when it’s someone very elderly who has had a genuinely peaceful death. But I’ve seen it used more and more often recently when people have not only died very young, but also in terrible accidents or by suicide. That is not “passing away” - that is a tragedy, possibly involving a lot of suffering, and/or mental pain beforehand. Why try to make out it was all part of the natural circle of life?

Am I just being an old moaner who should let people use whatever expression brings them comfort? Or is it offensive to act like a sudden, painful death is no different to quietly going in your sleep at 95?

OP is if she’s calling it ‘cringey and performative’. That’s just straight up nasty.

If you don't like it, it's absolutely fine. Others can decide how they would like to word it though, especially if it is about their loved one.

And even more so when shortened to passed etc. They're dead; live with it.

When I was a kid it tended to be a religious usage/that of my Grandmother's generation. Not sure when or why it came back

When my grandad had died I messaged my boss saying he had passed, he forwarded it onto a director who asked what he had passed!
I'm happy to use the word died now however I sent that message an hour after so at the time I wasn't ready to say it.
To be honest though I don't why anyone who wouldn't understand what the term passed would mean! Maybe if we're talking about a 12 year old child then yes it could mean passed an exam however talking about adults what sort of exam are they likely to be passing.

You don’t need to understand it.

Passed makes me sick

I would only use passed away if I thought the person I was speaking to was the especially sensitive type. It’s too frilly and inaccurate for me, died works just fine.

I don’t mind passed away. I don’t find it performative. Sometimes saying the exact word is very harsh to the ears of the person going through grief . It’s blurry hard to hear ‘when your mum died …’ it can actually feel like whiplash just hearing it and it’s not as if anyone is that stupid they don’t realise the person has died. It just turns the volume down a little using passed sway at a time when everything is brutal and harsh and sore enough as it is. Won’t go into other situations but there are certain words for things that have happened to me in the past that I find very hard to hear from someone addressing it and I think it’s genuinely just using other terms to make it sound ‘less loud’ if that makes sense. Passed - no I don’t like that, that feels weird.

As @Onlycoffee says, it helps some people to use these terms. The comfort a bereaved person gets outweighs your dislike of the word. Use what term you like and let others use what they like. Fwiw I don't particularly like it either.

Kindly OP, sod off. There is no benefit to this thread whatsoever and all you're really doing is prodding at people's most vulnerable experiences. You can wonder and have your faux fascination all you like, but you know deep down you are being pretty judgy for no real reason. You don't have to agree with every phrase or word others use, but you would do well to respect that it's down to each individual how they choose to speak about loss.

But you don't find it offensive @ALovelyShadeofMauve. You don't mind it so much in some instances.

Died is purely factual.

I find “passed away” or “passed” quite cringey and performative is purely judgemental.

The only word I could use when I lost someone very close to me was to say they were "gone".

I just couldn't describe it any other way, even if it would have suited other people.

I don't care if you didn't like the way I dealt with something that can still reduce me to tears on the floor just thinking about it.

Let people deal with death and grief in their own way and stop trying to monitor their language when they are already having a hard enough time.

Their loss isn't about you, doesn't impact you or hurt you.
Trying to dictate someone's language at such a time is really unpleasant and selfish of you.

YANBU

"Passed" is terrible.

I usually would use died. However, in the aftermath of an unexpected bereavement I couldn’t say it immediately and did used passed away. People can use whatever they find easiest in their grief as far as I’m concerned, it’s hardly the time to judge them for their language choices.

I felt the same. I remember ringing social services to say my dad didn't need an appointment any more- can I ask why? He's dead. I think that may have been a bit blunt for her!

I don't think a lot of people like the dead/died word though.

Perhaps give it a little more thought next time.

They might believe that the deceased has “passed” on to the next life.

I prefer it to 'passed' Fred passed what? A kidney, the bus???!!

That should of course have read kidney stone, not kidney!!!

To me "passing away" implies a very peaceful death in one's sleep. I wouldn't use it for a sudden death or traumatic one.

On my local news site the other day there were loads of people who took issue with the paper reporting that a "dead body" was found, arguing that the journalist should have said "deceased" instead as it's more respectful. "Deceased body" sounds wrong, though, doesn't it? It baffled me.

What I dislike is ‘RIP’ for a multitude of reasons.

In understand where ‘passed away’ has come from and I understand the need for softer language however I also understand the need to say that xx has died - as others have said, it’s clear communication which I feel helpful during a bereavement

Don't care for the euphemisms but each to their own. I'm going to kick the bucket it's the expression our family use.
The phrase I really hate is 'fell asleep' that is wrong on so many levels.

That’s exactly how I feel. My mum isn’t lost, she’s dead. I’d be combing the fucking streets for her if she was lost.

I'm not a fan either. I said of both my parents that they died. I was a teen when my dad died and mincing words with 'passed away' was just not in my radar.

Even worse though is 'passed on' or just 'passed'. Nope. Do it for someone else if that's what they prefer but when I talk about my parents I'm going to use the proper words.

unalived came into being when Facebook started censoring posts with the words dead and death in. I buy USBs of crafting files. The brand used to have the word "cutting" in it and they had to change it because FB started censoring posts with "cutting" in because of the link to self harm. Go figure.

Why have you posted a laughing emoji to me, OP? Reported.