To hate the term “Passed away”?

[ALovelyShadeofMauve]

Or even worse, simply “Passed”?

I understand people sometimes don’t want to be too blunt around the subject of death. But I’m not suggesting we say “Sorry, Granny’s kicked the bucket/turned up her toes/cashed in her chips” instead. Why can’t we just be honest and factual and use the word “died”?

I find “passed away” or “passed” quite cringey and performative. It seems to imply something peaceful and ethereal; as if it’s just one door closing and another opening as part of the beautiful cycle of life, where we’ll all be reunited in the next world, and that bodies are just vessels for our spiritual energy and so on… Fine if you believe that, but for a lot of us, when you’re dead, that’s it. We don’t need it soft-soaping.

I don’t mind it so much when it’s someone very elderly who has had a genuinely peaceful death. But I’ve seen it used more and more often recently when people have not only died very young, but also in terrible accidents or by suicide. That is not “passing away” - that is a tragedy, possibly involving a lot of suffering, and/or mental pain beforehand. Why try to make out it was all part of the natural circle of life?

Am I just being an old moaner who should let people use whatever expression brings them comfort? Or is it offensive to act like a sudden, painful death is no different to quietly going in your sleep at 95?

I will take the lead from the bereaved person and use whatever terminology they are using.

Personally I would use 'died' or, if it was in relation to a pet, 'euthanised' if that was the case.

Yep, same with “late”.

no, they’re not late. They aren’t just running a bit behind schedule and will turn up soon.

especially when it’s used for people who died 50 years ago. That’s more than late, that’s stood you up.

Reported?! 😆 For using a reaction implemented by Mumsnet?!

I just cannot imagine policing how someone describes the death of a loved one. It’s absolutely none of your business and their sensibilities trump yours…

I've never sat down and thought about until now, but I realised that I never say, "Oh, my parents passed away", I say they died or are dead. They died separately, but suddenly, maybe that has something to do with it.

Agree- hate passed away. But then I hate all sorts of euphemisms.

@Whycanineverthinkofone But late: my husband died in 2016. I have a new one now. My first husband was not my ex-husband, so the convention is to refer to him as my late husband. 'My dead husband' is a bit blunt even for me, so if I don't use 'late' what am I to use to make myself clear?

When you have been married for fifty two years saying " my husband died " is very hard to say out loud . I found it a wee bit less difficult to say that he had passed away . There isn't an easy way to say it though .

I will generally echo whatever terms the bereaved person has used. For some 'died' can be a bit on the nose if they are still coming to terms with the death, and using 'passed on/over' can help them describe what happened without them having to use the D word, which might still be traumatic for them.

When I lived in Somerset, I asked where someone was and was told they'd 'gone on.' I replied that I was very sorry to hear that, got a funny look and told that 'gone on' meant that they'd just gone home.

@ALovelyShadeofMauve Has someone very close to you died?

My dad died recently and I have used both died and passed away when telling people. The phrase I use depends on how I am feeling and who I am telling. The first person I told, who had not knowen he was ill, was so vividly shocked when I told them he had died, that I now tend to use , I think, a softer, " he very sadly passed away".

Until he died, I would have always said someone has died, but sometimes being in the situation changes your perspective.

Mumsnet is a wonderful window into the peculiarities of others. I'd love to know how many of the people who take exception to commonly used words or phrases also have a problem with eating home baked goods. Are we dealing with one distinct population of odd or two? Are people who won't eat home baked goods more or less likely to have toilet brushes?

My child died and I always say died. Passed away sounds odd to me, and I particularly didn’t like being told they were “very poorly” when they were dying. That annoyed me the most - and that was medical staff!

I'll admit, I do use the term but I appreciate what PPs are saying about it being fluffy and trying to make death more palatable.

"Dead" just feels so blunt. I've never really thought about it before but I suppose it is my issue; I'd never say "when your mum died" to my DH because it makes me feel uncomfortable, but I'd hate for that to make a grieving person feel uncomfortable.

Something for me to think about going forward, for sure.

I don't like twee euphemisms like passed on but I have no problem eating home baked goods and I firmly believe that every loo should have a loo brush.

Meh let people use whatever they want my mum died five weeks ago I said passed away everyone knew what I meant there was no faux confusion.

Part of the grieving process is actually arguing with that.

Passed on Is more of a religious/spiritual saying isn't it?

This was actually covered in Coronation Street once. A character genuinely didn’t understand at first that she was being told her son was dead, because the doctor was describing what had happened to his body (in terms of his injuries, not as in his dead body) rather than saying outright that he was dead.

@Didimum Who are you decide what I do or don't need? I haven't demanded any individual explains themselves or indeed changes their preferred euphemisms. In care you're in any doubt, the purpose of this forum is to discuss our thoughts and sometimes feelings on topics raised. I'm discussing my thoughts on the subject - your response is irrelevant.

But it literally happens to everyone. Every single one of us loses loved ones, unless we die so young we’re the first to go. We all use the language of bereavement. The bereaved aren’t some kind of minority group to whom something unlucky happens. They’re literally all of us.

I know someone who uses "signed off".

When people say they've lost someone I always think (but not say obviously, 'that's careless. Where did you see them last?'

I find it weird that anyone thinks they have the right to comment on how someone refers to a death. With my Dad I couldn't used the word 'died', I just couldn't say it. When Mum died I felt differently and could say it. For my cat I say put to sleep or crossed the bridge (I only use the latter with certain people), I will never say euthanised as it sounds so cold.

If someone wants to say died, euthanised etc. then it's down to them. Neither way is right or wrong and you've got to be either very cold or very stupid to judge someone who is grieving.

Suppose it’s just that language creates emotion, and emotion is personal. I can’t see the harm in blunt language OR euphemisms. Whatever gets people through.

My mum died recently. It wasn’t pretty. I would say she did ‘battle’ cancer, she was like a biblical martyr in terms of what it did to her, it was a thousand cuts. Maybe it wasn’t a battle, maybe her will to live had fuck all to do with it; maybe it all just happened to her.

I do find dysphemisms funny and somewhat comforting. I sometimes say things to my kids like ‘now your Nanny has called it a day’ and it makes them laugh. It’s tinged with pain but at least it’s laughter, which somehow reduces the enormity of the loss, she liked a laugh herself.

The other day someone asked me, as part of a security check, what was written on my mum’s death certificate. I said - ‘as in, what killed her?’ I know it’s me who said it but I felt a terrible rush of loss. That’s her gone. Something killed her. My own choice of words upset me. Powerful things!

PS. My mum used ‘passed’ to bereaved people and about others but used a variety of baroque and comedic terms about her own coming demise. I think for her it was respect. Better to err on the side of gentleness.

Seen a few posts here saying they’d dead - get over it etc and I honestly find this disgusting! Words really do have a lot of weight and even though we know something has happened it can trigger the shit out of you when someone just says it point blank to you. SA trigger ahead. I’ve been SA’d (serious) in the past and when someone has said ‘when you were Rp’d) to me I nearly threw up. I’m well aware of what happened to me but it was very, very triggering to hear that word being said to me about me. It felt quite violent. Same with death. If my mum died and I want to say passed away that's up to me. I don’t chose to say that but I have said passed away to other people because it was very jarring for me to hear someone say it to me about my mum so I just try to do my best with other people and follow their lead. Most of us are really just doing our best out there to try and not hurt the folk we love and get by the best we can. I find a lot of the comments of here quite cruel. It doesn’t make you better or more capable of more of a grown up or intellectually superior just because you can say the word died.

Whatever makes it easier for the grieving person is fine by me, to me it means passed over.

The love, comfort, want is here, they are not physically.

I find it easier to say my parents are passed on rather than they are dead, as it causes an emotional reaction when i say "dead" one that I don't like strangers to see.