Dh’s card said I ‘Kept a perfect home’

[Upanddancingatsixinthemorning]

Aibu to be confused/pissed off by this?

Surprisingly, Dh & Dd made me a card and bought me flowers for International women’s day (we are in another country, generally this happens here) but I’d completely forgotten and wasn’t expecting anything.

In the card, Dh had written thank you for all I do for him and Dd etc and then something about me ‘Keeping a perfect home’ 🤷🏻‍♀️

I work part time as a teacher, do the majority of everything with Dd, plus bills etc, I have a cleaner every fortnight

I just can’t work out this comment, it sounds like something from the 1950’s and isn’t the thing I want to be recognised/appreciated for

Big issues between Dh and I for a while, so maybe i’m pissed off that he can just give something on this day and do mainly sweet FA the rest of the time

Have you asked him what he means? Is it a cultural thing?

On one hand he might think he's complimenting you in a clumsy way, but on the other hand it does feel misogynistic and outdated.

Ask him to see what he meant.

I sounds like he really made an effort to tell you he appreciates the things you do for your family but maybe slightly missed the mark from a woman POV given the context of the celebration day.

If you do put a lot of time and effort onto keeping the house tidy is it really bad for him to acknowledge that and be thankful?

Are there things he does that fall into a traditionally masculine category that you are thankful for?

Perfect home can mean three things.
Clean, tidy, nice. - physical, practical
Warm, loving, nice. - emotional
All above combined.

The latter two are actually a lovely compliment! The first, if it's about practical things, is kind od just like nice as they appreciate what you do, but not that lovely if that makes sense. The word home means different things in different situations imho

If my DH had written that I would tease him about us being in the 50's but also be thankful for the card because I would know he was actually trying to show appreciation for everything I do at home.

It really is a situation where only you can know the back story and intentions behind it.

It could be misogynistic and shallow, from a man who doesn't appreciate you in general, or it could be a bit of a clumsy way of doing something nice.

There’s post after post about people feeling undervalued and there contribution to running the home isn’t recognised

To me it read it as thanking you for your contribution to running the home

I'd love that as perfect home to me means warm, welcoming, fun, relaxing, the perfect base to recharge for the world and spend time with your people. If you and he have a shared understanding of what perfect home means, I'd take that with pleasure if I were you.

DH would probably right something like that but I wouldn't mind as I know what he'd mean by it. We do an equal share of the grunt work of housework / cleaning / cooking / laundry but it's me that would generally hang pictures, buy houseplants, light candles or buy diffusers, get family photographs printed and framed, choose new bedding or cushions, that kind of thing. I'm the one that makes our home homely and cosy and a nice place to be, because I enjoy doing it.

Personally, I would see a card referencing my housekeeping on International Women’s Day as a sign DH had lost his mind or was making a really, really poor joke.

It means he thinks keeping the home is your job and you get a pat on the head for doing it right. I wouldn't be happy.

He said home not house so I would take it as a compliment, but I don’t know how much you and your dh like each other so it’s hard to say.

My DH is neurodivergent and cannot create order physically. He also hates mess...so he tells me a lot that he is so grateful to live in a calm and peaceful environment where there's clean towels and milk in the fridge. It's appreciating that I have skills he struggles massively with.

This is why I think it could be interpreted directly to how much you like or dislike your spouse. There are a lot of couples who really don’t like each other so my reaction would be based on that.

I get it, OP.

My partner wouldn't send me a card with a sentiment like that because we keep a -'perfect' home together.

I'd say neither one of us works harder at it than the other but that wouldn't be true because does it better than me 😬

I would take that as a compliment that he appreciates everything you do for him

He can't do right for doing wrong.

Is he not just appreciating you? Do we have to look for offence everywhere.
If I've cleaned my husband will often comment on how nice it looks and likewise if he's cooked I'll say it was a nice meal
He's just saying thank you

It's a compliment.

Pay him one too. Oils relationship wheels.

I would have been taken aback by that too OP. I still remember at the age of 10 years old, when my SF gave my mum bedding for some present or other. I knew at the age of 10, in the early 80's that that was shit. Mum was a fabulous homemaker, and I learned a lot from her, including the way to thank someone for running a home very well.

I'd get the ick if my DH said that. I wouldn't like it at all.

The issue is you don’t want to be thanked. You just want him to do 50/50. It’s fine for men to do the bare minimum and as long as they show occasional gratitude it’s all okay. It’s a crap card and you’re right to feel pissed off. Also IWD isn’t another stupid Mother’s Day, it’s a day to uplift women and girls from developing countries. No more patronising cards, please. Just do your share.

I think it's a really nice thing to say .

Has he maybe asked ChatGPT to write something ? It reads kind of like that to me

In the context you mentioned “as thank you from DD and him” I would read it as a compliment and an attempt to expand the thank you.
I wouldn’t overthink.
Also depending where you are and especially where he is from the focus of the day might be a bit different than in UK.

He did a nice thing, I think you're over thinking it personally

Oh god I hate the phrase running the home. Unless you live in a stately home it’s not running. Sorry to react but my mother used to say to me “you’ll never be able to run a home” what like you “run” a three bed bungalow.

i think op if smacks of oh i know we aren’t getting in but ill bung her some flowers and a card as thats easier than actually being a grown up and doing some emotional work. . But putting that in a card is awful. What about all your personal qualities that he loves about you.