Dh’s card said I ‘Kept a perfect home’

[Upanddancingatsixinthemorning]

Aibu to be confused/pissed off by this?

Surprisingly, Dh & Dd made me a card and bought me flowers for International women’s day (we are in another country, generally this happens here) but I’d completely forgotten and wasn’t expecting anything.

In the card, Dh had written thank you for all I do for him and Dd etc and then something about me ‘Keeping a perfect home’ 🤷🏻‍♀️

I work part time as a teacher, do the majority of everything with Dd, plus bills etc, I have a cleaner every fortnight

I just can’t work out this comment, it sounds like something from the 1950’s and isn’t the thing I want to be recognised/appreciated for

Big issues between Dh and I for a while, so maybe i’m pissed off that he can just give something on this day and do mainly sweet FA the rest of the time

Oh no! You cook your husbands dinner. Now that really is demeaning to women. I hope you don't clean up afterwards. That would really be letting the side down.Where is your self worth?😂😂😂

Urghhh but I'd assume it was meant well. My friend in her 70s went to her female friends funeral (she was a similar age) & apparently her husband stood up at the funeral & told everyone what a great wife she was & how he would take of his shirt & the next day his wife had washed, dried & ironed it! My poor friend was raging! Surely us ladies can be viewed as far more important than housekeepers!

Surely everyone thanks the person who made their dinner?

I'm really surprised by the responses that you've had to this, OP. I would be very unimpressed if DH said something like that to me.

Relevant article from t he Guardian here:
https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2025/mar/07/couples-fight-about-housework-couples-divorce-about-housework-surely-it-would-be-easier-if-men-just-did-more-housework?CMP=Share_iOSApp_Other

The main thing is this couple sound like they had a long & happy marriage. So what if his wife took pleasure in washing & ironing his shirt. It's called caring. Why is that so wrong?

Because there’s two type of ‘feeling under valued’.

1- people who things because they care and would like a thank you from time to time. They're happy to do the cooking and cleaning. So a thank you goes a long way because they also know it’s appreciated. The card only reinforce that/makes it more obvious.

2- people who are very resentful because they’re taken for granted. They’ve raised the issue of needing a better balanced relationship many times. And it has got nowhere because their partner doesn’t care. That’s tye OP. And in this case, it’s just another ‘fuck you’ message.

They’re happy to fact you (and/or other posters) fall into the first category (doing all that because it’s normal. I’d just like a thank you) doesn’t mean the OP does.

It’s not wrong when it’s not the only thing he can remember about his long marriage….
(Assuming this WAS a happy long marriage. Nothing there is telling you it was. Fir BOTH of them)

I think many men like to convince themselves that, deep down, all women enjoy and take pride in 'keeping a perfect home'. After all, if men faced the fact that most women find housework just as much of a tedious grind as men do, they might have to feel guilty about not sharing the load equally. So your dh is complimenting you on something he's convinced himself is important to you.

Why not just accept the flowers and comments the way they were intended? Poor bloke 😢

God, I’d be livid. How bloody patronising.

Thankfully, I have a normal, modern relationship in which I’m an equal.

He sounds like he really appreciates what you do for him. I'd take that as a huge compliment

Yep. I wonder how many women would think to thank their male partners for "keeping a perfect home".

Those saying "but it's a compliment!", do you not recognise that casual sexism is often dressed up as a compliment? That's one of the reasons so many men get away with it. Because then if women complain about the sexist element of the comment they're told that they're ungrateful. Their feelings are even dismissed by other women, as evidenced by this thread. Apparently we should all consider ourselves so lucky to recieve complements by men that the intent behind it is never worth examining.

Women who are subject to street harassment are often told to "take it as a compliment" that random men have deemed them attractive enough to shout or whistle at . Some Husbands who can't be arsed to cook or do housework will try to flatter their wives with "but you do it so much better than me!" I've had a Senior Manager try to talk me into having a difficult conversation with an employee at my grade on his behalf because they might get cry and "you're just so much better at handling those situations". It can be a "compliment" in the eyes of the giver and still be recieved as sexist.

To me, it sounds like he feels that’s your role as a woman. Ensuring his home is run the way he likes it. Nothing about being his partner in life, someone he admires, someone who sets a fantastic example for your daughter. No, it’s all about how good you are at domestic stuff.

It’s International Men’s Day in November I believe. If you want to see how he reacts to a similar compliment you could buy him a spanner and tell him you admire his wages. Although I suspect I can guess what his reaction would be.

To be honest, I think this card is just another example of him doing nothing in the house. It’s symptomatic of the bigger issue. The question is, are you going to do anything about it? And I’m not necessarily talking about separation. You could start by sitting him down and telling him that his card has made you realise that you are his wife, not his housekeeper, and that while you understand that more of the work/childcare will fall to you because of the difference in your working hours, you expect to have the same amount of leisure time as he has, and that things have to change before you lose all respect for him and attraction to him.

I'd find it quite patronising and insulting to be honest. He didn't mean it like that but it was a stupid thing to say. I would also be inclined to use it as a basis for discussing how he can help more going forwards.

This. Thank you for explaining. I don't have the energy any more.
Astonished how low so many women set the bar for a compliment.

In a healthy, equal relationship, surely the appropriate wording in such a card would be "thank you for helping me to keep a perfect home" or similar.

The way it is worded makes it sound like "keeping the home" is entirely the OP's responsibility.

I don't get how some people seem to think this is a compliment!

All these posters going on about how easily offended OP is - do you genuinely think that celebrating women’s servitude and domesticity is an appropriate way to mark INTERNATIONAL WOMEN’S DAY?! I’m astounded.

If I got a card from DH on any other day of the year saying thanks for everything I do for our family that’d be lovely. If he did it and congratulated me on keeping a perfect home on IWD I’d think he was on a wind up.

You are overthinking imo. You said he wrote a few things like thanking you for everything you do for him and DD, so that isn't the only thing he acknowledged then. Obviously other marital issues are at play here so you're taking this personally when he probably meant it as a compliment. There's so many posts on here of women feeling under appreciated, then there's this!

I honestly wish posters would stop demeaning the role of full-time childcarers & homemakers. If they carry out the role with diligence & put their hearts & souls into the role, they are the amongst the true hero's of society.

My preference would be that my partner would remember me as kind, fun, honest & remember our adventures- not that I could do the washing & ironing quickly!

Why are they heroes? What exactly is heroic about what they do?

I mean, we all raise our children and take care of our homes etc. Does that mean that we are all heroic? Or do you have to be focused on those things for a specific number of hours each day in order to qualify?

I don't want to demean anyone or belittle the contribution that SAHPs make to their own households, but personally I find it a bit bizarre to describe them as heroic - unless they have dedicated their lives to caring for a child with complex disabilities etc.

It isn't demeaning to point out that not all women want to be complimented on how good they are at housework. Especially on International Women's Day.

Women are more than child carers and homemakers.