Dh’s card said I ‘Kept a perfect home’

[Upanddancingatsixinthemorning]

Aibu to be confused/pissed off by this?

Surprisingly, Dh & Dd made me a card and bought me flowers for International women’s day (we are in another country, generally this happens here) but I’d completely forgotten and wasn’t expecting anything.

In the card, Dh had written thank you for all I do for him and Dd etc and then something about me ‘Keeping a perfect home’ 🤷🏻‍♀️

I work part time as a teacher, do the majority of everything with Dd, plus bills etc, I have a cleaner every fortnight

I just can’t work out this comment, it sounds like something from the 1950’s and isn’t the thing I want to be recognised/appreciated for

Big issues between Dh and I for a while, so maybe i’m pissed off that he can just give something on this day and do mainly sweet FA the rest of the time

I say hats off to women who do dedicate their lives to childcare & being a homemaker. Obviously I'm referring to those who make an excellent job of it. It may not be every womans idea of self worth. I think they have every right to feel just as proud of themselves as those who have no respect for the role.

It would feel like a condescending pat on the head about what a good little woman I am, even if it wasn't intended that way

Then don't play the 'good little woman' role. 🤷‍♀️

I don't.

Fair enough.

I think it's a very nice thing to say.

It doesn't mean that he thinks that's all you are good at.

I think it's nice that he appreciates it. Isn't that better than him not even noticing and just taking it for granted?
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Well then no-one would say it to you, would they?

The OP does.

I'd be pissed off, OP. He's basically patting you on the head for housework — housework which he doesn't feel he needs to contribute to from what you've said. It's immensely patronising. Every year now you must give him a card on his birthday saying things like:

You're quite a decent driver, dear husband!!
My Alan — not bad at mowing the lawn!!
You make a halfway decent roast twice a year — well done!!
For Alan, this was the year you actually did a wash: what a man!!

I absolutely hate the way in which so many International Women's Day celebrations require women to do domestic things — make cakes, organise meals, do the washing up, organise the children to do things. You don't ruddy need your husband to congratulate you for doing the laundry.

Mountain, meet molehill.

Good god, men really cant do anything right these days.

I'd love my DH to say i keep a perfect house, i know i dont, but i try!😂

How ungrateful.

You’ve obviously got bigger fish to fry than this. If you were happy in your marriage and liked your husband this would be a non- issue. Your reaction is the result of existing resentment in your marriage.

Has anyone seen Bad Sisters? Sounds like something "The Prick" would have written in a card to his wife.

OP, you will get wildly varying responses because people naturally project their own relationship dynamics onto threads like this. Personally, I don't like it. To me it shows that he thinks 'keeping the home' is YOUR job, when it should be a team effort. I also wouldn't be happy in a relationship where my worth to my partner was measured by my house-keeping ability. DH would never think to say something like this because we keep the home together. He's also a feminist so has a basic understanding of how IWD relates to the Womens Rights Movement. I agree with your instinct that your Husband linking IWD to you doing a grand job of cleaning the house is tone deaf. But I completely understand that in some marraiges comments like this would be normal and some woman would take it as a compliment.

Gosh, where did all the surrendered wives come from today?

The thing that bugs me about Mother’s Day and similar occasions is that where there are household imbalances and the woman is carrying the weight of everything it’s like, oh here’s a card, and we plan to keep screwing you the rest of the year. My household isn’t like this but it still bothers me a bit. So I would probably feel the same - I don’t really want to be the home help so saying thanks for running a perfect household probably isn’t going to make me feel warm and fuzzy.

I feel the same. I didn’t get a card for IWD. But that’s fine because I’ve got a partner who pulls his weight all year round. If he left everything to me and then handed me a card once a year congratulating/thanking me for doing something I have no choice but to do because of his own ineptitude I’d be enraged, frankly.

If keeping house is what a woman loves and chooses then it’s different, of course. But that’s not the impression I get of OP.

But why are those the choices, doing it all and it going unnoticed, or doing it all and getting a pat on the head once a year? It's such a depressingly low bar. Some men do their fair share of domestic stuff and still notice and express appreciation for what their wives/partners do.

Geez OP. He gave you flowers, a card and gave you a compliment. What a monster.

Your need to over analyse a lovely gesture is poor. Give the guy a break and appreciate the sentiment.

If you question or comment he will never do it again for fear of going wrong.

Seriously get over yourself.

To write that for International Women’s Day is way off the mark.

It’s taking 1950s ideas of what a great woman is and plastering it onto a card to make it look like he really cares. There is nothing about you and what makes YOU great (as a woman! Rather than as a wife or a mum)

I agree @Upanddancingatsixinthemorning. It says a lot about how he sees your role (and explains all your frustrations about the HW, mental load etc….).

He didn't say that was all you did, just that you kept a perfect home which he obviously appreciates. Nobody would say that about me :), I wish I was worthy of the accolade.

And tbh no, I couldn’t appreciate the sentiment either. Not when it’s based on ideas that deeply conflict how I see my role in the family. And his.

If the OP didn’t already have issue re his lack of ‘interest’ in running the house, I’m sure she wouldn’t be as annoyed either.
Whereas that, for me, is more like kick in the teeth disguised as a nice gesture (and the OP can’t even tell him straight away because it’s ’From dd’)

Yeah, I'd be pissed off too

All the other stuff you do, but he mentions that?? It's as if that's the crux of what you do: keep a perfect home

I bet you'd never ever say that to him??

You’re right.
It says exactly what HE appreciates about the OP.
Nothing about her,

That's how I read it
I look after the house and work.
Dh works longer houses and it's a more physically demanding job - but he really appreciates what I do.
So I would find his card lovely- my dh thanks me after he's had his tea - it took me a wild to get use to that , but it was the way he was brought up.

I know what you mean, but he's trying to appreciate you.

Perhaps this deserves a conversation in the future about what's expected of each of you, and what your roles are in the home..

It can be so difficult to get out of the 1950s mindset, but these days things HAVE changed, and unfortunately it takes a bit of conversation to catch up with these changes.

To me, it sounds like you've got a good one, who appreciates what you do. It might have been clumsily done, but he showed his appreciation. There are problems with it, but I feel like he will listen, and things can be fixed.

My dh would never write something like that, and if he did it would be firmly tongue in cheek