Dh’s card said I ‘Kept a perfect home’

[Upanddancingatsixinthemorning]

Aibu to be confused/pissed off by this?

Surprisingly, Dh & Dd made me a card and bought me flowers for International women’s day (we are in another country, generally this happens here) but I’d completely forgotten and wasn’t expecting anything.

In the card, Dh had written thank you for all I do for him and Dd etc and then something about me ‘Keeping a perfect home’ 🤷🏻‍♀️

I work part time as a teacher, do the majority of everything with Dd, plus bills etc, I have a cleaner every fortnight

I just can’t work out this comment, it sounds like something from the 1950’s and isn’t the thing I want to be recognised/appreciated for

Big issues between Dh and I for a while, so maybe i’m pissed off that he can just give something on this day and do mainly sweet FA the rest of the time

I would cringe. We both work and do housework.

This sounds like he is confirming that looking after the house is your job and he is giving you a token pat on the head to ensure it stays this way. No thanks.

These types go looking for offence in everything. The terminally offended.

I’d take it as a compliment.

It's pretty condescending, especially today!

So exhausting.

Just seperate the two issues. He tried to do something nice. Appreciate his (clumsy) effort.

Discuss your separate issues/concerns about the division of labour on a different day.

Hahaha that’s a bit of a reverse compliment, isn’t it!?

I think I’d be inclined to take it as a ‘thank you for being so incredible that you do it all’ rather than a ‘your sandwiches are great’.

That’s the crux of it though. Only trad wives who feel happy and fulfilled doing all the cleaning, cooking and childcare would like this comment in the card. A lot of women wouldn’t. Like the OP I guess. Shame her husband doesn’t know this about her.

You're being a bit much, you know what I got for international womens day? A "thanks" for washing my husbands car 😂

To me it would mean he's grateful for the work you put in. I think you are taking it wrong (I've done it myself in the past).

I wouldn't like to be thanked for doing something which I think is a shared responsibility. Rightly or wrongly, I'd read into his comment "Thank you for doing a good job of your responsibilities as a woman and serving our family as you should".

I'd prefer this:

"Thank you for carrying me. Sorry I've been shit. Going to try harder in future, starting with cleaning the kitchen and bathrooms while you take yourself out for a nice walk".

That would feel more sincere to me.

This is my take, too. But if this thread proves anything it’s that, for men, the bar really is a trip hazard in hell.

Yep

I think, in his own clumsy way he's trying to compliment you & show his appreciation for how much you CONTRIBUTE to creating a nice, calm & relaxing home for all of the family. I wouldn't take it as a throw back to being a 1950's housewife.

As is often the case with husbands, MILs on MN! Hopefully next year he won't repeat his error, by giving you nothing!

Personally I would be extremely proud if my DH said I kept a perfect home. Since having children I always worked part time. There are women who dedicate their lives to being a 'homemaker' This includes the majority of childcare & household tasks while the husband is the breadwinner often working all hours in stressful jobs. To be offended for receiving gratitude for keeping a perfect home is demeaning to women who happily take on this role. They have every right to feel proud of themselves for the excellent job they do.

I think it depends on the overall relationship.

If this is a point of contention between the two of you, and you've been asking him for years to do more and it fell on deaf ears, I wouldn't see it as a compliment either, but more of a "suck it up, buttercup" things aren't going to change statement.

But surely this isn’t about those women, it’s about OP? Her not feeling happy or proud of this sentiment takes nothing from women who would be. Clearly she doesn’t derive her sense of personal value from ‘keeping house’, and it’s concerning that her husband either doesn’t know this about her, or knows and doesn’t care.

I would see it as he didn’t have anything else good to say and this was the only thing he could come up with.

An ex wrote in my card “you mean something to me I just don’t know what”. Well that basically summed up our entire relationship. 😂

Jesus wept.

But you do have a bit of a stereotypical/ traditional set-up don't you? If you work part time, what are you doing with the rest of your time? Household chores and admin, I'd wager.

It sounds like you just don't like this being mentioned.

I wouldn't be overly happy with the sentiment but fortunately I am shit at housework so there's no risk of getting that message. 😄

It would feel like a condescending pat on the head about what a good little woman I am, even if it wasn't intended that way.

If my partner was acknowledging IWD then I would hope it would be in a more meaningful way than complementing me on my domestic skills. I'd much rather an ongoing dialogue and understanding of the inequality, risk and threats facing women and a commitment to being part of the solution. Thankfully, I have that kind of relationship.

If my partner was acknowledging IWD then I would hope it would be in a more meaningful way than complementing me on my domestic skills. I'd much rather an ongoing dialogue and understanding of the inequality, risk and threats facing women and a commitment to being part of the solution. Thankfully, I have that kind of relationship.

It would feel like a condescending pat on the head about what a good little woman I am, even if it wasn't meant that way.

Perhaps I simply can't understand why being a good 'homemaker' or being complimented for the same is demeaning to women. If lifting a cloth feels below you then employ a cleaner. Oh I forgot, that's a job which detracts from a woman's self worth. 🙄

Sorry, repeating myself there when trying to edit.

I would take it as a compliment. Just think it's a clumsy way of showing his appreciation x

It’s just not what many of us want to be recognised or appreciated for, that’s all. Asking to be recognised for the things we value about ourselves as individuals is hardly asking for the world on a stick, in my view.