Dh’s card said I ‘Kept a perfect home’

[Upanddancingatsixinthemorning]

Aibu to be confused/pissed off by this?

Surprisingly, Dh & Dd made me a card and bought me flowers for International women’s day (we are in another country, generally this happens here) but I’d completely forgotten and wasn’t expecting anything.

In the card, Dh had written thank you for all I do for him and Dd etc and then something about me ‘Keeping a perfect home’ 🤷🏻‍♀️

I work part time as a teacher, do the majority of everything with Dd, plus bills etc, I have a cleaner every fortnight

I just can’t work out this comment, it sounds like something from the 1950’s and isn’t the thing I want to be recognised/appreciated for

Big issues between Dh and I for a while, so maybe i’m pissed off that he can just give something on this day and do mainly sweet FA the rest of the time

He is trying to be sweet,.men are generally clumsy with their words.

I think he was trying to do a nice thing.

This

YABU

Stop trying to find things to be offended about.

He did a nice thing.

Unless you don’t keep the home nice, then I can’t see how you can be offended that he recognises this.

If he doesn’t pull his weight, then that’s a completely separate matter.
As you work PT, you obviously will be doing more than he does in the home but that doesn’t mean he should do nothing.
But this is separate to the card, which is separate.

Honestly it just sounds like you’re looking for something to be annoyed about/start an argument over, which is exhausting.

I'm confused. Are you annoyed about having to do housework and him not doing any? Or annoyed he's thanked you for it?

Does he work full time? If so, and you work part time, surely it's a given you'll do more housework?

It's a bit clumsy, but as it came from both him and DD, then I would take it as them showing their appreciation for everything you do.

If my DH wrote that I would take it as a compliment. I probably do more around the house than he does, but that's my choice. If I insisted on equality in house work, then there would have to be equality across the board and there are some things I don't want to get involved with!! We have our status quo, and it works for us.

I always say how nice the garden looks if he has spent time doing the mowing.

I would go back to work FT and he can keep the “perfect home” he so values. Or not. Either way I would be doing less housework.

(Well in fact I’d give him the boot).

He thinks a pat on the head for his little wife will keep her happy for another year. Sounds like an asshole

Why would that be a given seeing as they have a cleaner?

You’ve pretty much said yourself that’s it’s not about this really. It’s that you’re pissed off about aspects of the relationship
and have take offence about the inference the household stuff is your domain - and you do it perfectly. Whereas you’d like the house to be on the ‘to do’ list of both of you. I think that’s a fair point. Your problem is that instead of addressing that directly you are going to be sour about this present and he’ll just think you’re being a petty bitch and ungrateful.

I missed that they have a cleaner.

So OP is being even more U.

I obviously don't know your DH and his thought process, but if my husband wrote that, I'd love it.

We see our home as a comfortable, welcoming (and yes, clean) refuge for our family, but the emotional connection stretches far beyond that.

What makes our home "perfect" (for us) is the care and love that's been poured into it, all our personal effects, art, books, children's paintings etc.

I've often read the phrase "give a woman a house and she'll turn it into a home" and I largely believe that to be true.

I think it has very little to do with "housekeeping", but I can't presume to understand your husband's motivations for writing that. Only you can say.

I see it as he's actually attempting to make amends and trying to tell her she is appreciated.
Either of us could be right!
Maybe he will step up now.

I'd take it to mean the home you have created for your family. The love, the warmth, the feeling.

A friend of mine recently said to me "you have such a lovely home" and I knew she wasn't talking about my cleaning skills!

What's your relationship like?
Do you think his intention was loving and appreciative or snide?

Sometimes you've got to look beyond someone's choice of words and see what they meant.

It could be he sees you as a domestic appliance or he could have meant you are the heart of the family.

You know him. I think you already know which one he meant.

Oh for goodness sake. He tried to do something nice for you and give you a compliment and you have to dissect it all and try to find fault.

He didn't mean anything bad @Upanddancingatsixinthemorning and I think it's a nice thing to do, but it does feel rather like when my DH comes home from work when I've done the housework, and he says 'you're a good girl aren't you? The house looks lovely.' It sounds patronising and infantilising. I try to take it in the nature it's intended though, and just smile sweetly (like a good 1950s housewife.) 🙄 😆

But being appreciated is irrelevant for op. She wants him to pull his weight not be appreciative that she does the majority of the work in the house. It’s a way to avoid him having to step up.

If the card had said, ‘I appreciate what you’ve done and moving forward I am going to step up’ that would be different. But it didn’t

It’d give me the ick, to be honest. And if it’s a joke it’s a shit one.

My dh would not even know it is a special woman's day today. Heck, I did not know until my friend told me. Be glad you got a card or anything positive. It sounds like you are looking for things to find fault or nitpick. You keep a perfect home can mean many things....happy home life, family life etc.

Sounds like you're already pissed off with him and these underlying issues are causing you to see the worst in everything he does. It might be worth trying to sort that out

My DP recently complimented me in a similar way and also mentioned it to his mum-I was well chuffed! He does work ridiculously long hours with lots of travelling so I pick up the housework, cooking, shopping, life admin, children stuff…however, I’m happy to do it as I love creating a warm, happy household for us to enjoy. It suits us and means that everyone can be the best version of themselves. Yes, it is a little ‘trad wife’, however it’s my choice and makes me very happy and fulfilled.
OP, I would take it as a compliment, they obviously appreciate you and everything you do. The only important thing is you’re happy with the way your household works and it works for all of you.

OP, you don't need our input here. There are problems in your relationship, this message has pissed you off, this goes deeper than all that 'terminally offended' stuff. None of us here have a clue what your daily reality is like with this man, but if you need to hear that he is misogynistic arse and you are worth more than the state of your house, then I hope that helps. Good luck.

That doesn't mean she didn't contribute to what was in it

Maybe he asked her "what do we want to thank Mummy for?"

And she said "she makes the house pretty" or something so he wrote it down in his words

People actually get cards for being a woman?? It's mother's day soon, isn't that enough? 😅
You sound like really hard work and seem to be looking to be offended to be honest...