Do I give daughter house deposit to purchase property with controlling boyfriend?

[AnnaBoleyn]

My 24 year old adult daughter lives with a controlling boyfriend, who she has been in a relationship with for nine years. I do not think he physically abuses her but tells a lot of stories which aren't true, possibly to confuse, lies, gaslights, is unreliable and picks a lot of faults with our family. It also feels that he is undertaking a campaign to isolate her from us. I feel exhausted with endless drama. We had agreed to give my daughter a contribution to a house deposit, and she is now looking a property to buy. I do not think she should purchase with him for many reasons, but that is currently her plan. Do you think I should change my mind about giving the deposit or will this further damage relations with my daughter?

I'm wondering if the prospect of not being able to buy a house might put him off?

With a watertight Deed of Trust logged at the Land Registry

She would need a deed of trust to ring dense the deposit and they need to buy as remnants in common - I wouldn't gift it to her unless she agreed to that (even if he wasn't as bad as he sounds). But if they marry she'll lose that protection as it becomes the joint marital home asset.

Ps don't feel you've failed her, if he can trick her he can trick you too

Perhaps get her the books 'why does he do that ' and 'it's not you'

Yes I would give the deposit, you can’t dictate who your children are with. I would give the deposit but go via a solicitor so incase of a split the deposit is ringfenced for your daughter and the rest is split 50/50.

Thank you @Unexpectedlysinglemum . Kind words but If I had my time again I would talk about relationships more, keep a better eye on things. I’ve done too little too late and yes all of this has happened under my watch.

Honestly, he'll stay around long enough to get his hands on half the deposit and then he'll be gone. He will ask her to marry him and probably move house. Abusive men don't have a conscience and if he's already alienating her from you, half his work is done.

My ex used to criticise my family but would happily take all the help they offered. Apparently my parents could afford it (not the point) so in his eyes it didn't matter that he slagged them off.

I'm glad you're wise to him. Tell her you'll give her the money when she's 30 (and hopefully shell have seen sense by then).

I had a Deed of Trust because my Dad had a friend whose daughter bought with a boyfriend who ended up taking half the deposit her parents had given them when they split. We did the right thing. But my ex was an abusive narcissist, the abuse got worse after we married, but by that time the Deed of Trust was voided as we had moved house and got married. So when I called time on the marriage he walked away with half the deposit..

I wouldn’t give her the money. It sounds to me that the bf is pressuring her to buy a house KNOWING THAT you would help her. Tell your daughter that whist you respect her choices just because she likes him doesn’t mean you have to as well especially by what you have witnessed from his behaviour.

Thank you @Gremlins101 There are loads of people who think my daughter is terrific. Someone she went to school with recently told me how fabulous he thought she was, but essentially she doesn’t see herself in the way others do. The BF speaks with authority or as an expert about everything and I don’t think she even hears what he says let alone unpicks the validity of the content.

Thank you everyone who has contributed to this thread. I really appreciate your replies. The different viewpoints and recommendations have been enormously helpful. Lots to think about. We will talk about next steps and stages. It’s not really about the money but doing what we can to protect our daughter. Thanks x

This

Absolutely not. Why on earth would you do anything to enable this toxic relationship? She’s only 24, so she’s very young g to buy a property, what’s the rush? Once she is financially linked to him, her life will get even more complicated.

He is going to make your daughter’s life an utter misery, so I would be doing everything in my power to make her wake up to this. But no way on earth would I be handing over any money or encouraging a property purchase that’s going to trap her even more than she is already.

Agreed, @Fountofwisdom And today, more than ever, as we see that monster jailed for killing Carol, Hannah and Louise Hunt.

Tlhis.
Read carefully op.

What are the implications if you co buy and they get married? Or she moves him in?

She’s very young to buy a property and I wouldn’t do anything that makes her an attractive financial option to him.

Can he afford to buy without her? Does he have a substantial amount of savings?

I would do anything to keep her away from him, so that would mean not giving her a penny towards buying a house. She can't afford to buy anyway, so that's something she has to live with.

OP, have you read the threads about Lobster Boy?

No @MounjaroOnMyMind i couldn’t find the thread on Lobsterboy . Please could you provide a link to it?

@AnnaBoleyn

Here is the link

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4145356-SIL-and-money-issues?utmcampaign=thread&utmmedium=share

The BF does sound similar. You're very wise not to give any money or you could end up like this poor lady. She went through so much. Its a long story over multiple threads but definitely worth a read given your situation.

I got into a controlling and awful relationship when young. Do not give her the money now. However you ringfence it (which he will fairly likely make as difficult as possible on every level), it will not matter if she needs to split up with him safely because at that point immediate safety suddenly trumps anything on paper. She will almost certainly need some help to get out of the relationship at some point and it will be much much better all round if you're in a position to give it.

If you give it to try to appease the situation, he will twist something else against you anyway.

If you have no other choice, but to give her the deposit, do what my father did lend it to her in the form of a loan,
then, when she finally comes to her senses
that amount of money he will not be able to get his hands on obviously she doesn’t have to pay you back but it stops him from getting it half an hour legal advice should help

Hi OP, I've worked for decades with young people who are the age your daughter was when she met her BF. It's a very vulnerable time and many young people are impressed and taken in at this age by seemingly confident peers. Also grooming is a real thing and cult leaders abound.
The thing is that these types of people want to isolate their prey. This is how they see the world.
All you can do is be ready and open to help if your daughter reaches out, which I hope she will. Unfortunately I think any money you give her will be swallowed by his control, and ultimately won't make much difference on the outcome apart from to make you less able to help her in the future.