Do I give daughter house deposit to purchase property with controlling boyfriend?

[AnnaBoleyn]

My 24 year old adult daughter lives with a controlling boyfriend, who she has been in a relationship with for nine years. I do not think he physically abuses her but tells a lot of stories which aren't true, possibly to confuse, lies, gaslights, is unreliable and picks a lot of faults with our family. It also feels that he is undertaking a campaign to isolate her from us. I feel exhausted with endless drama. We had agreed to give my daughter a contribution to a house deposit, and she is now looking a property to buy. I do not think she should purchase with him for many reasons, but that is currently her plan. Do you think I should change my mind about giving the deposit or will this further damage relations with my daughter?

Could you give the money through a solicitor and see if there is some sort of legal clause you can add in case the relationship goes pear-shaped? I gifted a house deposit to my daughter and her husband through a solicitor, but they were married with 3 children, so a different situation. If I were you I would ask for some legal advice before making a decision.

You can put money towards a house purchase and put a legal charge on it. You will need a separate solicitor to your daughter as they have to be independent.

The amount of the charge will gain no interest and you will not be entitled to any profit. However, you can stipulate certain conditions that it is removed , ie, if paid back to you, or if the house is sold then you will receive the money.

This will enable your daughter to get a mortgage and she will need to declare the money. You will need to sign forms saying where the money has come from for money laundering purposes.

It is simple but you HAVE to take independent financial advice as the solicitor acting for you will insist legally you do so.

If you can afford it, suggest she buys a house with you and offer her a deposit only on the basis that her name and yours are on the title deeds.

If you can’t afford this option, you could also see a solicitor about ways to protect her interest in the property in the case they split. Maybe the property is held as tenants in common 50/50 instead of as joint tenants, so she always retains an interest no matter what happens.

ideally, I would tell her honestly that the money is there for her and put aside, but you cannot give it to her now because her boyfriend is controlling and you do not trust him. While she is in the relationship she gets no money from you for her own good.

I personally would wait a couple of years and see how the relationship is panning out. 24 is still young to buy a house.

I know I wouldn’t be giving my daughter all that money that I have worked my socks off for, for it to be taken away by a controlling boyfriend.

Eventually she will be very grateful you didn’t give all the money. It may be difficult for a few months but you are under no obligation to give her the money.

Absolutely this. I was in the exact same position your daughter a long time ago and my parents refused to give the money while I was with him. We ended up renting and I left him two years later at which point my parents used that money to support me while I recovered physically, emotionally and financially. @AnnaBoleyn I hope your daughter can find the strength to leave and find someone worthy of her💜

The girl could buy a property in her name, but when they marry he'll be entitled to a share.

no

No way would I support this.
I know you are fearful of losing your daughter but what would be worse is helping her to set up home with this person .. dont do it accept the fall out and keep close to her .

I am 20 years into an emotionally abusive relationship. It’s not so abusive that I am worried for my safety, but it’s enough that it does and has affected my mental health. I have two small kids and I have promised myself (I have written it down in fact) that I will not do what my mother has always done which is say ‘oh, I didn’t like to say/ask’ and ‘it’s none of my business’. My mother is kind and wonderful but the way she can’t have frank conversations and has skirted major issues has sometimes felt like a real let down. I have learnt to bring things up now and press on things, but what I’m trying to say is, if you are thinking this guy is bad news, then have that conversation with her. It can be calm, frank, and open without confrontation or judgement, but it will give her the chance to speak up and know that you are there for her.

You should be promising yourself you'll leave.

I am sorry to hear this @Viewsaremyown . I hope this rubbish situation improves for you and your little ones.
I have spoken with my daughter and it has been the hardest thing I have ever done. But colluding by saying nothing is not an option either.

It was the right thing to do. She'll know that you love her and are worried about her, and she can come to you. This might help now or it might only help further down the road, but it's a message you needed to give. If you had just stood by and said nothing then, as you said, you would have been colluding.

I would not give my daughter money in these circumstances.

The last thing you want to do is for her to be more enmeshed with this man.

Explain that you've had a change in your finances - allude to some unforeseen change in tax/ share prices/ the stock market/ whatever. That you're so sad and sorry to have over promised and to have to underdeliver.

How did she react?

Absolutely not.

How did your DD react?
It's hard to hear, but she needs to plan a way to escape the relationship when she realises what he's doing.
Buying would give him more reason to keep a hold over her.

@TheFormidableMrsC The conversation went really badly. She was very defensive of him and felt we were directly criticising her (which was not our intention). I feel I don’t have the skills for this conversation. If anything I feel bringing this up has driven a wedge into our family.

Yes we do love her so much @Wellretired . It’s sounds bonkers but the relationships your adult kids have ripple through the wider family.

She doesn't see it she doesn't see how he has got to into her head whatever you said wouldn't be right . Just keep communicating with her she is "offended" on his behalf.

I hope it works out.

It's not bonkers at all. And driving a wedge is exactly what the BF has done - You've just brought it to light. You don't say if you said you didn't want to help with the deposit or just expressed your concerns. You say that you don't have the skills to have that sort of conversation, and some of it depends on what has been said already, but you could try some active listening with your daughter - the NHS website has a page on it as part of their training programme, where you listen, question, paraphrase - https://nhscarevolunteerresponders.org/im-a-volunteer/skills-bank/supporting-positive-communication/active-listening
maybe you could start with - I'm worried about you, tell me why I'm wrong. Before you start, make sure you know what you want from the conversation and have thought a bit about the different things she might say and how you might respond in the different scenarios.

But that wedge has been created by him. I agree with a PP, you can only try and keep the lines of communication open and indeed word things in a way that it gives her food for thought. She will be defensive of him because it's safer for her. You haven't said whether you told her that she can't have the money. If you have, does this prevent the purchase of a house and what sort of reaction will he give?

No we haven’t told her yet about not giving her the money. Her Dad suggested he buys with her which I think she is thinking about at the moment.

You'll need to hope he suddenly isn't keen on getting married if she does this.

No 24 year old in a crappy abusive relationship needs to be buying a house in this economy.

Tell her your financial advisor says you cannot afford it, period.

Hell I was 15 years bolder than her when getting my first house.

It took years for me to split from my sulky gaslighting ex and noone used to say anything. He was funny and charming in his own way and my parents just accepted who he was and never questioned it directly to me. Ditto a lot of my friends. It meant that it became normalised that my boyfriend relied heavily on social welfare, weed and being driven around by me. I stopped questioning it myself.

I had one male friend who 3 or 4 times said stuff like, is he pulling his weight?, is he treating you right? Because you're cool!, my friend X is really into you, are you sure Y is sticking around?, and those little comments gave me the self-belief that I deserve better and strength to leave. That guy is still my best friend today.

I'm writing this as maybe that kind of approach works well. You are just putting the seed into the person's mind, rather than outwardly criticising their partner. It's so important to not let it become accepted as normal though.