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Original poster

Do I give daughter house deposit to purchase property with controlling boyfriend?

197 replies

AnnaBoleyn · 07/03/2025 12:14

My 24 year old adult daughter lives with a controlling boyfriend, who she has been in a relationship with for nine years. I do not think he physically abuses her but tells a lot of stories which aren't true, possibly to confuse, lies, gaslights, is unreliable and picks a lot of faults with our family. It also feels that he is undertaking a campaign to isolate her from us. I feel exhausted with endless drama. We had agreed to give my daughter a contribution to a house deposit, and she is now looking a property to buy. I do not think she should purchase with him for many reasons, but that is currently her plan. Do you think I should change my mind about giving the deposit or will this further damage relations with my daughter?

OP posts:
Gremlins101 · 07/03/2025 13:15

Keep the money for when they split.

My mum sensibly helped me buy a property and I was co owner with my mum. My dead-end boyfriend wasn't on the deeds.

It means my mum is due to pay a lot of capital gains tax when I sell it this year to build with my now husband, but at least it was very easy to split from my ex.

Igmum · 07/03/2025 13:16

If you do make sure it is legally ringfenced to you, not your DD. So sorry she is going through this

healthybychristmas · 07/03/2025 13:22

No way on this earth. You might as well just hand over the money to him.

Friartruckster · 07/03/2025 13:23

Shalalalaboomboom · 07/03/2025 13:10

You'd be enabling the relationship if you gave her this money. For all you know, he may just be hanging around in expectation of this, so not giving it might make him lose interest.

I would not be giving her this money in the present circumstances.

This all the way.

I had to do this with my son. Have ring fenced a substantial amount of money to help him on the property ladder. When he asked for it circumstances meant I had to say ‘no’. It is my money to do as I need. My circumstances had changed and my son didn’t need to know what; my private life is my private life.

I did give him an amount of money that I didn’t care what he did with it. Wasn’t as much as he was expecting or needed. What was key, what I gave came with no condition or aspiration. He could piss up against the wall if he wanted or hand over in its entire to spendy partner. It felt a reasonable compromise for me.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 07/03/2025 13:24

Keep the money until she's ready to leave him. That's when she'll need it most.

Yellowhammer09 · 07/03/2025 13:25

If you do gift her money towards a deposit then place it in a Deed of Trust* so if they split and sell the house then the money comes back to you.

*I think that's what it's called.

Coffeeforayear · 07/03/2025 13:28

No. Keep it for things are hopefully better

I wouldn't want to be encouraging this relationship.

MimiGC · 07/03/2025 13:30

Your daughter has been with this horrible sounding man since she was a literal child. That, in itself, is concerning. Was he always like this? Has she ever listened to your concerns for her welfare? Has his controlling behaviour escalated over time?

Loopytiles · 07/03/2025 13:31

Would definitely withdraw the offer. Any money at all you give her for this is at risk, since even if you seek to set up legal protections your DD could then alter them.

notacooldad · 07/03/2025 13:32

24 is also pretty young to own a property these days. There’s no hurry.
I dont think so.
I guess it depends where you live. Both my kids had mortgages at 22, so did a lot of the friends. It doesn't seem unusual to me.
Back to the OP, I wouldn't be happy supporting an abusive relationship but would let her know that I support her.
As others have said I would offer her the absolute bear minimum, andget legal advice to protectbthe deposit. It would kill me to see an abuser walk away with 50 quid of my money never mind 100s or 1000's!

WallaceinAnderland · 07/03/2025 13:32

I would not be giving her any money at all until she is free of him for at least a year.

You would just be assisting her to get herself more entrenched in this abusive relationship. I'm really surprised that you offered tbh.

IhadaStripeyDeckchair · 07/03/2025 13:32

If you do give the money to them it can be legally ring- fenced so the deposit share of the house belongs only to your daughter

Eg house 100
Deposit 20
Mortgage 80
If the mortgage is equally split (40 DD 40 partner) your daughter owns 60 & her partner 40 of the house.
If they split in x years & the house is then worth 150, DD owns 90 & her partner 60

It's becoming increasingly common to do this with parents giving their adult children money towards house deposit, understandably as no parent wants to see their childa ex walk off with a significant chunk of their hard earned cash.

Original poster
AnnaBoleyn · 07/03/2025 13:33

Thanks for your replies. Interesting I was not expecting such a uniformed response. @TimeForTeaAndG They are the same age.
Yes @Toopdeloop that would be an ideal situation, if she could buy a property on her own. I think all of this is rushed and she doesn't earn enough yet for house owning ambitions.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 07/03/2025 13:34

Legal agreements can be altered. This is also a situation of coercion.

DivorcedMumOfAdults · 07/03/2025 13:34

Heck she is 24 and been with this person for 9 years!
As PPs have said 24 is young to buy a house these days.
Have you considered a buy to let in your name which you can then rent to her - that way you can evict him and your money is safe
Rather than refuse or put conditions on say you can’t afford to gift her much money at the moment .

Gettingbysomehow · 07/03/2025 13:35

No absolutely not. Only if she buys on her own and dumps him.

ForRealCat · 07/03/2025 13:35

Errrr just no. Having owned a house with a financially abusive ex leaving was a nightmare. I had the deed of trust in place- my deposit was "protected". In reality what that meant was it would come back to me when the property was sold. It took 18months to sell and for a year of that he stopped paying his portion of the mortgage and service charge and it all fell to me.

People will tell you there are ways to protect your money- and they do protect your money; what they don't do is protect you.

newrubylane · 07/03/2025 13:36

notacooldad · 07/03/2025 13:32

24 is also pretty young to own a property these days. There’s no hurry.
I dont think so.
I guess it depends where you live. Both my kids had mortgages at 22, so did a lot of the friends. It doesn't seem unusual to me.
Back to the OP, I wouldn't be happy supporting an abusive relationship but would let her know that I support her.
As others have said I would offer her the absolute bear minimum, andget legal advice to protectbthe deposit. It would kill me to see an abuser walk away with 50 quid of my money never mind 100s or 1000's!

The average is about 34 in the UK now, I think. Sl

UraniumArthur · 07/03/2025 13:38

The controlling element aside for a moment: I would not be putting significant money into to a joint house for a couple in a temporary relationship (ie "boyfriend"). It leaves the money far too vulnerable for my liking.

legalseagull · 07/03/2025 13:38

Give the deposit but put a charge on the property so when it's sold you get the money back - that way it's protected and you can give it to her again if she splits from him

ParrotParty · 07/03/2025 13:38

Autumn1990 · 07/03/2025 12:44

I wouldn’t back track on the deposit but unless you have spoken about an amount give a much lower amount and make sure it is ring fenced. It might be better to give it as a loan so even if they get married later it still has to come back to you when the house is sold. Obviously consult a good solicitor on this point. Save the rest of the potential deposit as sh will need it when she wants to leave

If they are getting a mortgage then the deposit will have to include a letter stating it is gifted rather than a loan, unless they already have enough deposit themselves and the loaned deposit is just topping it up more than the minimum deposit amount.

stealthninjamum · 07/03/2025 13:39

My worry would be that once she has a house she then feels like the next natural stage is to get married or have a baby.

Can you come up with a good reason to say no? You don’t want him to have an excuse to turn her against you.

oakleaffy · 07/03/2025 13:40

Snorlaxo · 07/03/2025 12:21

Only if you can afford to lose half that money when he bullies her for it if they split.

This.
You need to legally be an owner to get your money back- could be a legal minefield.

I wouldn’t do it, @AnnaBoleyn .

Coffeeishot · 07/03/2025 13:40

I wouldn't give her money, you can say your finances have changed if you like but you want this relationship to hopefully fizzle out and offering a deposit is just elevating it imo,

My dd was in a horrible relationship I didn't really know but Dh said there was something about him so dh refused to support dd financially to move in with him, it ended shortly after and it all started to unravel.

Cadenza12 · 07/03/2025 13:41

See a solicitor and put a charge on the house so that your money is ring fenced.