Do I give daughter house deposit to purchase property with controlling boyfriend?

[AnnaBoleyn]

My 24 year old adult daughter lives with a controlling boyfriend, who she has been in a relationship with for nine years. I do not think he physically abuses her but tells a lot of stories which aren't true, possibly to confuse, lies, gaslights, is unreliable and picks a lot of faults with our family. It also feels that he is undertaking a campaign to isolate her from us. I feel exhausted with endless drama. We had agreed to give my daughter a contribution to a house deposit, and she is now looking a property to buy. I do not think she should purchase with him for many reasons, but that is currently her plan. Do you think I should change my mind about giving the deposit or will this further damage relations with my daughter?

Gifting them the money would be both sponsoring the continuation of the relationship and tying her to him financially. Do not do that to your daughter - you may not be able to intervene in her relationship, but you do not want to strengthen it further.

If you truly believe she is in an abusive relationship, I would be contacting Women's Aid for advice on how family members can help, or at least, what the best approach you can take is. I would then put the house deposit into another investment product to gift to her (if and) when they break up and she is independent. I would also be making it clear to her, without making it contentious by referencing her relationship, that she is always welcome back at home with you, so that she knows she has somewhere to go.

Fifteen is a child, so she doesn't know adult life without this man.

Do you really think he'd move out easily? The only reason he wants to buy is to tie her down for life.

Just say no. She's not old enough to own her own home. She doesn't have enough life experience. Think long term. She may well fall out with you now over it, but if she couldn't get a mortgage on her own, then at least she won't be tied down to him.

Don't do it. He might be able to move out easily, but he won't, even if it is just to spite her. I wouldn't be enabling this relationship in any way, not even co-owning. Don't enmesh yourselves with this dirt bag along side your daughter . At some point she might want to get out and will need a place of her own. I would give her the money then. Try whatever you can to remain the neutral party in the mean time, even though this will cause more drama.

Please say no. Keep the money saved for when your DD can escape this horrible man.

This suggest to me that her first loyalty is to him & she trusts him unconditionally, I think I might pretend to like him if I were in your shoes OP.

Best thing you can do is say no. It's bonkers to tie her to a man like this. Have you not watched the news today?

This so daft. Why should they care what this pillock thinks of them?

I wouldn't. When I bought with my ex I had a deed of trust set up to ring fence my deposit. He hated it, said it wasn't romantic and I should trust him. My Dad insisted or he wouldn't give me the money.

My ex was an abusive arsehole, but I (stupidly) married him and moved house meaning the deed of trust was voided. He ramped up his abuse, when we split he walked away with half my deposit.

EoThe h the current economic climate, it’s perfectly easy to say you aren’t in a position to help her at the moment. My worry would be that house ownership will be followed quickly by children and then she will never escape him, even if it unravels.

Hi, OP -

I am not aware anyone has asked this: if you give DD this money now, will you be able to offer funds to help her find her feet when they break up? Esp if children need support?

I’d tell her when she leaves him and has had a year of therapy, then I may re consider after 24 months of her being without him .

Go advice from the best solicitor you can afford. It will be money well spent.

My instinct would be to withhold the money though, and to assure her you'll be there for her with no questions asked if she ever wants to change her mind about the bf, including making financial provision for her at that point.

You have to trust that she'll somehow see the light and leave him, and cope with the relationship fallout in the interim.

If he's as controlling and domineering as you describe, there will probably be grandchildren in the next few years. That may end up helping her see him in a different light.

@2025willbemytime Yes the news of the death of those girls and their mother is sickening. They looked a lovely family. The poor father X

@poetryandwine No this would be a one off. It’s a good question!
We could not afford to do this again. I appreciate she may stay with him for longer if she doesn’t have other options

@2025willbemytime His opinion of us does matter though, it’s a drip, drip of criticism. I feel he’s taking the future away that I expected.

Why? He's not important. He's not going to be her husband. Hopefully not the father of her kids. He is a nonentity.

What evidence do you have, what criticism does he make?
Does he have grounds for it?

Unfortunately and fortunately we only have your side and you maybe horribly controlling parents who your dd is finding strength to get liberated from?. You maybe the most wonderful parents and he's a nightmare.

Having said that she's so young I don't know why you have shown you can facilitate a house buy which is a huge privilege for such young people

I would not have mentioned this and kept the money back as pp said in the event if a break up. Unfortunately I think you will have to suck up the relationship for now, make up some excuses on the money and give a much smaller amount without strings.
Keep anything else back for later.
Keep her in your orbit and pretend to like him

This is really tricky and you need good legal advice. If you do give them money you need to make sure that the legal conditions are watertight so that certain actions, eg, marriage or moving house don't invalidate the trust/agreement etc. My inclination would be not to help, because I wouldn't want to be forced into colluding with him for fear of losing my daughter - where would that end? But they have been together for many years and through some of her most formative years too, so she's really enmeshed. It may take a long time before she realises how much of herself she has lost. I think the only thing you can do really is make it clear to her that you love her and she is always welcome to come to you for help if ever she needs it. As to whether or not the house deposit comes into the category of help that she needs, rather than something she wants, I think that depends on some of the details; when did you agree? If it was last week you can't exactly say that your circumstances have changed! And whether or not his parents are also contributing - you don't mention them at all; if they are it will be harder to pull out and put her more firmly in his camp; and whether or not you agreed a specific amount. If you don't give you need to explain why honestly; don't pretend something that isn't true, because if you do you are behaving in the same way he does.

Thanks, OP.

It’s true we have only your side of it, but it’s your money after all. Also you sound fearful and regretful, not domineering.

However very few 24 year olds I know are buying homes and very few YP stay with the one they were with from the teenage years forever, especially without marriage. If you have ‘only’ one down payment to give, I really think you need advice from a solicitor and possibly a therapist about the best time and method for doing it, given your concerns.

I don't think legal advice about ring fencing will help. The second the money is handed over the next thing he's 'keen on' will be to do something that sets it aside.

Get a deed of trust to ringfence deposit? Suddenly he's keen to get married, which will both invalidate it and tie her to him even more. You might actually push her into further ties.

I am guessing you are in your fifties which is a natural time for you and your husband to be planning ahead for your retirement. I think you could say that you have been advised (by a real or imaginary financial adviser) to conserve your funds for your own future needs especially in the light of the high cost of living and unknown possible health or job events.

Of course this can be reviewed in the future if your daughter has definitely broken up with him.

That's a good idea @Bettyfromlondon

My parents gave me a deposit but it was a deed in trust so woukd need paid back to them before any equity or my deposit. They made it so that it was a percentage of the property so they woukd benefit from market increases but also accepted a loss of negative equity. I was single but it was protection against future partners gaining. They signed it all over 20 years later when I had been married for a long time and no longer needed potentially financially. I suggest you do the same. Think it called a charge in the mortgage. It’s worth every penny of solicitors costs given the relationship and I doubt anyone is in position to provide 2 deposits. He will still benefit from having a mortgage maybe cheaper rates as a result of your contribution. This is how you sell it to them