Do I give daughter house deposit to purchase property with controlling boyfriend?

[AnnaBoleyn]

My 24 year old adult daughter lives with a controlling boyfriend, who she has been in a relationship with for nine years. I do not think he physically abuses her but tells a lot of stories which aren't true, possibly to confuse, lies, gaslights, is unreliable and picks a lot of faults with our family. It also feels that he is undertaking a campaign to isolate her from us. I feel exhausted with endless drama. We had agreed to give my daughter a contribution to a house deposit, and she is now looking a property to buy. I do not think she should purchase with him for many reasons, but that is currently her plan. Do you think I should change my mind about giving the deposit or will this further damage relations with my daughter?

It sounds a disaster in the making, @AnnaBoleyn .
I’d not invest in this abusive relationship.

Only if they sign a Declaration of Trust for the deposit.
That way she'll get the money back when they split and sell.

I would talk to her about your concerns regarding the BF.
She might take you using money to control her life (even if for her own good) very badly.

@MimiGC Unfortunately we have only realised the situation in the last three years after watching him sulk and gaslight her whilst watching our daughter become a shell of former self. In retrospect this has been going on for years but we didn't pay attention, but it only ramped up since she left uni.
But that is a whole new post about failing your daughters by not being observant to what is going on under your own nose.

@newrubylane
I didn't realise the average was that old.
Two of my colleagues are early 30s and started buying in early 20s and have been able to sell and move up the property ladder several times,Our youngest colleague is 25 and is excited about getting her new house soon.
There's loads more examples that I know about so I think this is why 24 doesn't seem that young to be buying a house!

However there's never an age that you should buy a house with an abuser!
I hope Ops dd will be ok.

Friends were in this position. They put a lien on the house that their contribution plus interest percentage on property increases had to be returned to them. When it all went tits up a decade later and two children the man went nuts that he wasn't getting half.

I am eternally grateful to my parents for saying to me that they'd only be prepared to give me a house deposit if my then long term boyfriend and I got married. They could see the relationship was absolutely awful, and it meant when we did eventually split up I could just walk away and start again. I was a little bit older than your daughter, but under 30.

I gave daughter deposit & had an agreement written up the house is 70/30 in her favour. See a solicitor to have contract drawn up before you part with money. You also need to sign it over to her as a gift for tax reasons. Don't give her it if she is unwilling to have the contract drawn up or he will get your money

Your statement that DD isn’t earning enough to consider home ownership yet is very helpful, OP.

Would you be providing the whole deposit? Does her BF earn similarly to her? If both answers are ‘yes’, it’s likely they don’t appreciate council tax, maintenance and upkeep expenses, etc, to say nothing of the unexpected bills around home ownership.

From what you have described I would hate for you to provide even a substantial part of the deposit, firstly for DD’s sake but also for your own. If the couple can’t really afford to maintain a home, I am afraid they and you will have you feeling responsible for it.

At minimum you need a good solicitor. Please let them know how you feel about the relationship, also.

From what you've said, OP, giving her the deposit for a house is the very last thing you should be worried about now; your daughter needs support to break away from someone who sounds like her Svengali.

This.

@LizardQueeny Yes I have made her aware and that conversation hasn't gone down well. Infact she shared the conversation we had with her and it has escalated things.

Could you agree to give her the money as promised, but get them both to sign something which agrees in writing (and maybe run it past a solicitor) that if they split up, they BOTH have to give you the money back? or it becomes hers? so he's agreeing up front. Like a prenup kind of thing.

Don't do it. Legal agreements can be changed. If he is so controlling, what's stopping him from getting her to change the agreement in his favour, once you have given all the money away to her and you have no claim on it.

You giving her money is you enabling their relationship.

No. Keep it in an escape fund for her.

Yeah, she won't be seeing ANY of that money when they hopefully split.

As someone that has been in your daughters position and eventually saw the light and left him, do NOT give that money. I was engaged, sharing a house and mortgage and partially funded by my parents as a gift. If you haven't already, sit your daughter down and express your concerns because she will not see it. I wish people had told me their concerns whilst I was still in my relationship instead of thinking just because I was an 'adult' that I knew what I was doing. He isolated me from my family and became very money orientated. When I left, I wanted to do so as quickly as possible so told him he could keep the house as long as he left me alone because it was quicker and less painful than splitting everything, which is what will inevitably happen. You will lose that money. You could tell your daughter that you no longer have the money for the deposit, or even try get her to go down the route of renting somewhere because the deposit is much less and she won't have the hassle of splitting a house when she leaves. Especially if she doesn't currently live with him, tell her to rent as a start to make sure they will definitely be happy living together, because even though it is considered less smart to rent than to be on the property ladder, it will be easier for her to get out of.

Only if the house is in her name and she lives alone. I would also be shouting at her, why the fuck are you wasting your life with an abusive bastard. Maybe she hasn't seen it yet. Has she thought of living alone to give herself space.

It's not just about protecting the money. It's more important to protect her.

If she is renting she can leave at any time. If she owns a house she cannot just walk away from that. If it's jointly owned, he can be very awkward about selling, allowing viewings, accepting offers, etc. It can take months or even drag on for years.

Don't be the person that makes it easier for him to control her OP.

It's better for her not to buy at all until she is free of him.

To all of those saying no: the chances are that if you say no now, her partner will use it as an excuse to badmouth you, to drive a wedge between you, and to encourage her to cut you out of her life. Theres a big chance that you will lose her for at least a period of time.

I would tell her the deposit is only available to her if the deposit is ring fenced and the ownership of the house is split accordingly, not 50/50.

Absolutely not. Circumstances have changed, nothing further.

Contact Women's aid for support and advice.
Educate yourself about Coercive control which is a crime now and remain alert.

Reinforcing that her home and you are always there for her.

Exactly this.

I've been through it and I wish that I had not fully bought into a house. I ended up walking away and giving him everything because it was quicker and easier than splitting the house and money.

That's a really good idea...and if you just say that your circumstances have changed and leave out the can't afford bit, its not even a lie if that would be a problem.

picks a lot of faults with our family

I would be asking why he is willing to accept your money if he feels your family is so awful? Keep the money to help her leave later and for therapy to recover from being in a controlling relationship.

Good thing it didn't make you decide to marry!

This 💯