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Original poster

Do I give daughter house deposit to purchase property with controlling boyfriend?

197 replies

AnnaBoleyn · 07/03/2025 12:14

My 24 year old adult daughter lives with a controlling boyfriend, who she has been in a relationship with for nine years. I do not think he physically abuses her but tells a lot of stories which aren't true, possibly to confuse, lies, gaslights, is unreliable and picks a lot of faults with our family. It also feels that he is undertaking a campaign to isolate her from us. I feel exhausted with endless drama. We had agreed to give my daughter a contribution to a house deposit, and she is now looking a property to buy. I do not think she should purchase with him for many reasons, but that is currently her plan. Do you think I should change my mind about giving the deposit or will this further damage relations with my daughter?

OP posts:
Original poster
AnnaBoleyn · 07/03/2025 14:34

Thank you everyone. I think we are going to have to be a lot more proactive and a little less scared of loosing our daughter. The idea of co buying might appeal to her- it will cost her a lot less monthly and boyfriend can move out easily when everything unravels.

OP posts:
chocorabbit · 07/03/2025 14:35

AnnaBoleyn · 07/03/2025 12:14

My 24 year old adult daughter lives with a controlling boyfriend, who she has been in a relationship with for nine years. I do not think he physically abuses her but tells a lot of stories which aren't true, possibly to confuse, lies, gaslights, is unreliable and picks a lot of faults with our family. It also feels that he is undertaking a campaign to isolate her from us. I feel exhausted with endless drama. We had agreed to give my daughter a contribution to a house deposit, and she is now looking a property to buy. I do not think she should purchase with him for many reasons, but that is currently her plan. Do you think I should change my mind about giving the deposit or will this further damage relations with my daughter?

OMG, I've known of 2 women who transferred ownership of a jointly owned property solely on their H's (in these cases) name. I've known of a third who signed every paper her H gave her so he mortgaged the hose to the full for "business" and then divorced her, sold it and took her deposit too.

NO!

Verv · 07/03/2025 14:35

WallaceinAnderland · 07/03/2025 14:20

It's not just about protecting the money. It's more important to protect her.

If she is renting she can leave at any time. If she owns a house she cannot just walk away from that. If it's jointly owned, he can be very awkward about selling, allowing viewings, accepting offers, etc. It can take months or even drag on for years.

Don't be the person that makes it easier for him to control her OP.

It's better for her not to buy at all until she is free of him.

I am quoting this (again) because this is the response and the more times you see it, @AnnaBoleyn, the better.

Please don't help her fund her own demise.
Keep the money and use it to support her when she leaves.

FannyBawz · 07/03/2025 14:37

invest it and keep it for her whenever she leaves him

mightymam · 07/03/2025 14:44

Read the 'lobster boy' thread on here by @chopin and tell your daughter to run.

Original poster
AnnaBoleyn · 07/03/2025 14:45

@Verv Thank you ! I absolutely understand that it would be better if she didn't buy, but sadly I think they will. Someone is very impatient for this to happen.

OP posts:
MadinMarch · 07/03/2025 14:46

ViciousCurrentBun · 07/03/2025 12:53

No I would not and I wouldn’t even do it if it could be ringfenced because once they own together leaving has another more complex layer.

This!

BlueSkies210 · 07/03/2025 14:46

Can she afford to buy?

DonnaSueWeloveyou · 07/03/2025 14:47

outerspacepotato · 07/03/2025 12:40

No. I wouldn't support this relationship in any way including financially.

She might need a sum of money at some point to split from him.

Edited

This.

outerspacepotato · 07/03/2025 14:49

"Someone is very impatient for this to happen."

And that's why it shouldn't happen.

Sillysaussicon · 07/03/2025 14:53

I 100% see you concerns which are totally valid and I'm sorry your daughter is in this situation.

My best advice is to speak to a solicitor and find out how you can ringfence the money for her, then you know if you have options.

EDITED to say I didn't read the whole thread and hasn't seen your second post. Given the BF is so 'keen' I would withold completely if it were me. I would be very concerned about my daughter getting deeper into the relationships and this would make her way more vulnerable to abuse.

I wonder where you might be able to find advice for how to support your daughter in the context of domestic abuse, are there any good charities that provide advice for parents?

poetryandwine · 07/03/2025 14:54

Would she be able to transfer her share to him, OP?

Verv · 07/03/2025 14:55

AnnaBoleyn · 07/03/2025 14:45

@Verv Thank you ! I absolutely understand that it would be better if she didn't buy, but sadly I think they will. Someone is very impatient for this to happen.

Yes, i understand. But what she wants now, is not what is going to be the best for her future, and i think you would turn yourself inside out if you didnt safeguard that.
You're obviously a caring and worried parent, and going against her current wishes for financial assistance is going to cause short term angst, but in not funding this mistake, you are safeguarding her in the long term.

His (I assume it is his) impatience to get her financually under control speaks for itself. Please dont help with it.

JustPoet · 07/03/2025 14:55

So she’s been in a relationship since she was 15?! I mean, I can see why you want to help out your daughter but my answer would be no absolutely not, because you would just bee giving free money to her ‘boyfriend’ and you know it.

poetryandwine · 07/03/2025 14:58

AnnaBoleyn · 07/03/2025 14:45

@Verv Thank you ! I absolutely understand that it would be better if she didn't buy, but sadly I think they will. Someone is very impatient for this to happen.

If they can do it without you - well, they are adults. Good luck to them. I would just encourage DD not to contribute more than, conservatively, her fair share.

I agree with everyone else she will need this money later. (If he is really trying to control her, there may be children involved.)

Infracat · 07/03/2025 15:03

If you do make sure tenants in common with her money protected.

Onelifeonly · 07/03/2025 15:03

My instinct would be not to give her the money, at least not at this stage of her life. But I understand it may not be such an easy decision where emotions are concerned.

hydriotaphia · 07/03/2025 15:05

Could you structure it as a loan and take a charge over the property for the amount you have lent?

Jk987 · 07/03/2025 15:07

Do you get on with the boyfriends family? Can you chat with them about your concerns?

No I wouldn't fund the deposit and I'd tell your daughter why.

Serpentstooth · 07/03/2025 15:08

Friend has done this, now her daughter's married the b. Try to avoid this, it's not easy to undo.

Cyclebabble · 07/03/2025 15:09

I think it is possible to have a legal agreement that agrees that your daughter would own x % of the property at the start (proportionate to deposit) and her partner could do similar Then if they split the money you gave DD should be safe although there may be some transactional costs.

I would not backtrack from supporting your DD. To do so risks him gaining greater leverage along the lines of look I told you they did not like me, look how they do not trust me.

Be clear though that you are always here for her whatever happens. And make sure she has good contraception. If you are looking at the abusers handbook it runs along the lines of a) isolate from friends/family b) make emotionally dependent c) distort reality d) tie the woman down with a child to make her less likely to leave d) limit her financial independence.

EdithStourton · 07/03/2025 15:11

Just to echo what others have said, don't give her the money.
She will be tied into a house with him and thus find it harder to leave
He will probably manage to get his hands on some or all of the money.

My father was a coercive arse (proper Jekyll and Hyde). I read somewhere (Lundy Bancroft?) that one form of coercion involves controlling the money. My father managed this by there not being any.

Chuchoter · 07/03/2025 15:13

I would make it clear that he's not welcome in the family and unless she dumps him there will be no deposit forthcoming if she plans to live with him.

ThisIcyHare · 07/03/2025 15:13

If you do it, just make sure a trust is written up that if they split and sell the house that she gets ALL your money back PLUS 50% of the potential increase in value since purchasing. A friend of mine was in this position before and was so lucky to legally be able to get the money back as her ex was a financially abusive nightmare.

chrissycn · 07/03/2025 15:14

Only if they sign a Deed of Trust so she gets her deposit back in full if they split up.

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