Do I give daughter house deposit to purchase property with controlling boyfriend?

[AnnaBoleyn]

My 24 year old adult daughter lives with a controlling boyfriend, who she has been in a relationship with for nine years. I do not think he physically abuses her but tells a lot of stories which aren't true, possibly to confuse, lies, gaslights, is unreliable and picks a lot of faults with our family. It also feels that he is undertaking a campaign to isolate her from us. I feel exhausted with endless drama. We had agreed to give my daughter a contribution to a house deposit, and she is now looking a property to buy. I do not think she should purchase with him for many reasons, but that is currently her plan. Do you think I should change my mind about giving the deposit or will this further damage relations with my daughter?

No. Make it clear to her that you are there for her and will be happy to provide it for her personally. No good can come of him getting his grubby mitts on (your)/her money. She will get it eventually.

I wouldn't give it to her. She's going to have a hard enough time extricating herself from this relationship once she wakes up to it let alone with financial implications. What an awful position to be in. I think I'd only go ahead if the property was in yours and her names only and there was a legal agreement in place because if she marries him, he will automatically get half. See a solicitor first but if there was a sniff of him benefitting, I'd be out. He sounds vile.

What kind of relationship do you have with your dd? Can you explain how concerned you are for her and let her know that there is money and support there for when she leaves him? I would not be giving him any access to the money or making his life more comfortable.

Also think you should have a frank conversation with her. I know it’s difficult and you feel like you shouldn’t interfere but sometimes young women need to know how others view their dodgy partners/relationships. If he is controlling she can’t possibly be enjoying that and being able to discuss it might help her out of it sooner or later, hopefully sooner. Or to stand up for herself and enforce boundaries so things don’t get even worse.

NRTFT

Only if you are able to get your money back, so a legal document needs to be drawn up in that in the event of a split, you get your money first and then anything left is split between them after that

This!

I personally wouldn't validate that sort of relationship by giving a deposit but it's your choice.

If you do give deposit money give as a loan whereby it needs paying back if she has to later sell the house but must be signed by a solicitor.

I would hold onto the money for now.
He could persuade her to marry him so he could then get his hands on it.

This.

I think you buying for her is the only way to protect the money. But I'd be getting some serious advice on how to get rid of him given coercive control is now illegal.

@AnnaBoleyn
Have you considered something like the Barclays Springboard Mortgage? Holds your money in a savings account as security for 5 years to allow them a mortgage but you’re not actually contributing towards the purchase.

www.barclays.co.uk/mortgages/family-springboard-mortgage/

I gifted my daughter a lump sum towards her deposit, as they aren't married we went through a solicitor so if they split up that lump sum will come back to my daughter x

I didn’t read anything other than the headline and I’m saying no. Controlling boyfriend = no. There is no modifier that softens that.

@Livingmybestlifenow thanks for the info regarding the Springboard Mortgage, that could be very helpful for us and our DDs

Go to a solicitor and get the money ringfenced so if they spilt she gets all the gifted amount back if she doesn’t agree then no help should be given

I would not. You are not obliged to give a 24 year old woman so much money. She is still so young. Let her work it out with her partner.

A close relative and good friend of mine was “encouraged” by former boyfriend to buy a house as soon as they were able to - he had more money than her, but it wasn’t about housing or financial stability. It was about having things that would tie her to him. They were too young. They bought the house he wanted in the neighbourhood and city he wanted - she said she did too at the time, but had only recently admitted that they weren’t her top choices at all.

When they split, it was a nightmare to sort everything and his “favours” in how they divided it all were still attempts at coercion and she will struggle for a long time to undo all the damage done by his eagerness to be financially linked to her. They see it as a way to be even closer to their victims so that’s even harder to leave. “Well we own the house together and I wouldn’t be able to pay the bills on my own and it would take such a long time to sort” - she forgives him again and so it goes on and on.

I wouldn’t give her the deposit. Keep her close but don’t encourage his coercive behaviours.

If he's the one crazy keen can you not say you said you'd help and you will, but hadn't thought they'd be in a position to buy for another couple of years and locked the money you ring fenced for her away for a couple of years while interest rates were really good?

Spend the time gradually trying to open her eyes to the abuse.

You should give her money to invest in therapy.

Why is she with an abusive man she met at 15 (when she was a child.)
she needs help to get out of the relationship.

Thank you @Livingmybestlifenow this is an interesting product I was not aware of.

Can you buy the house with your daughter

Who is the impatient one OP?

Don't do it, it will be far better to have a nest egg to help her when she hopefully decides to leave him, rather than create a situation where she is further tied to an abuser through a shared property. I'm sure he would use that as another way to manipulate her, and she would probably feel even more scared of leaving him if it means losing the home she owns as well, which by the sounds of him I'm sure he would try to take/ threaten

If she is determined to buy with him even without your help then try to persuade her to come with you to a solicitor to get proper advice about the implications of her decision. Agree it is very likely he wants to buy so he has financial control - if she walks out she is still in debt and will find it difficult to find anywhere else to live. It’s a bit like when kids are young they won’t listen to parents but they will listen to the dentist / doctor/ teacher or who they perceive as an expert

I agree with this.

Don't do it. Yes, it will cause a row and probably a rift, but he's heading this way anyway, withholding the deposit will just get you there faster. I wouldn't tell her it's because you hate his guts, make up an excuse, but it will cause trouble either way. Who knows? It might make her see his true colours but even if it doesn't, you don't have to fund this shit show. You can give this guy the blood from your veins, he is still going to do everything he can to make sure you never see your daughter again. I would choke on my own blood rather than line his pockets while he destroyed my family, if I were you.