Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I give daughter house deposit to purchase property with controlling boyfriend?

197 replies

AnnaBoleyn · 07/03/2025 12:14

My 24 year old adult daughter lives with a controlling boyfriend, who she has been in a relationship with for nine years. I do not think he physically abuses her but tells a lot of stories which aren't true, possibly to confuse, lies, gaslights, is unreliable and picks a lot of faults with our family. It also feels that he is undertaking a campaign to isolate her from us. I feel exhausted with endless drama. We had agreed to give my daughter a contribution to a house deposit, and she is now looking a property to buy. I do not think she should purchase with him for many reasons, but that is currently her plan. Do you think I should change my mind about giving the deposit or will this further damage relations with my daughter?

OP posts:
Toopdeloop · 07/03/2025 12:20

Would she be in the position to buy a property on her own so only she is on the mortgage and deeds but he could potentially live there? If so you could suggest this to her but frame it in a way that is more about her own financial security and independence than about him.

Snorlaxo · 07/03/2025 12:21

Only if you can afford to lose half that money when he bullies her for it if they split.

TheSandgroper · 07/03/2025 12:38

Consult a specialist solicitor so you can advise dd privately about all the ringfencing options.

Reugny · 07/03/2025 12:40

Snorlaxo · 07/03/2025 12:21

Only if you can afford to lose half that money when he bullies her for it if they split.

You mean all the money so she can get quickly away.

outerspacepotato · 07/03/2025 12:40

No. I wouldn't support this relationship in any way including financially.

She might need a sum of money at some point to split from him.

Autumn1990 · 07/03/2025 12:44

I wouldn’t back track on the deposit but unless you have spoken about an amount give a much lower amount and make sure it is ring fenced. It might be better to give it as a loan so even if they get married later it still has to come back to you when the house is sold. Obviously consult a good solicitor on this point. Save the rest of the potential deposit as sh will need it when she wants to leave

Autumn1990 · 07/03/2025 12:45

The reason I wouldn’t back track completely as if you do it will give him ammunition against you.

attheendoftheendofmytether · 07/03/2025 12:45

I definitely would not. I would agree to go into partnership together and part own a property with her so that he couldn’t get his hands on ‘my’ share. In fact I think I would only give money on that basis even if single. Love/infatuation does very strange things to people.

I would tell her now that my offer of a deposit was made when she was single and trying to do it on her own but my money isn’t there to fund a shared property.

pikkumyy77 · 07/03/2025 12:47

I would just say circumstances have changed and you can’t afford to give them the deposit. Don’t fight with them over it but don’t do anything to strengthen the things that bind them together. Far, far, easier for her to walk away if they have no shared assets.

Mrsbloggz · 07/03/2025 12:49

TheSandgroper · 07/03/2025 12:38

Consult a specialist solicitor so you can advise dd privately about all the ringfencing options.

I think this sounds like a good idea.
I would be very reluctant to support this relationship but at the same time it's probably better to keep her on side and not alienate her.
You want her to be able to feel that she can trust you so that she can come to you when she fully realises and accepts that this is not a good situation to be in.

Kindyeah · 07/03/2025 12:50

Don’t give her all of the money. Give her a fraction of what you were planning. Also tell her there is money set aside for her if she ever decides she want to leave. Tell her you think it’s important that all women have a way out if they choose to want it.

DazedDragon · 07/03/2025 12:51

pikkumyy77 · 07/03/2025 12:47

I would just say circumstances have changed and you can’t afford to give them the deposit. Don’t fight with them over it but don’t do anything to strengthen the things that bind them together. Far, far, easier for her to walk away if they have no shared assets.

This.

Your finances are your business so if she asks just sat your finances are not able to fund this at the moment.

It's probably easier doing this than stating that you'll only give the deposit if the house is only in her name as her boyfriend is a dick.

DarkMagicStars · 07/03/2025 12:51

No. No money unless it’s purely for her with him
gone.

attheendoftheendofmytether · 07/03/2025 12:53

24 is also pretty young to own a property these days. There’s no hurry.

ViciousCurrentBun · 07/03/2025 12:53

No I would not and I wouldn’t even do it if it could be ringfenced because once they own together leaving has another more complex layer.

Hayley1256 · 07/03/2025 12:54

I would consult a solicitor as to what can be done to protect the deposit and any profits if they were to seperate. Have you raised any concerns with her about his behaviour?

TimeForTeaAndG · 07/03/2025 12:55

I'd also not be giving her the money. You can talk as much as you want about ring fencing etc but at the end of the day you have to sign that money over as a gift and it's legally hers to do with as she wishes. The bf can then talk her round to not ring fencing. I would explain very clearly that this isn't a decision based on your DD at all but your concern that she may lose that money down the line. Rather that you keep the money in an account and should she need it, it's there for her.

They've been together since she was 15? Is he much older than she is?

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 07/03/2025 12:57

Your daughter was 15 when she started seeing this man, so are they the same age or did he target and groom her if he's older?
It's a tricky one, especially if he's starting to isolate her.
My instinct would be to say that things have changed and you now can't put down that sort of money.
If you really don't want to backtrack, and I agree that he could use that against you, I would be thinking about buying jointly with your daughter to protect her interests. Whatever you do, if you give deposit then get it ring fenced so it comes back to you if / when the home is sold.

Codlingmoths · 07/03/2025 13:01

It depends on what you’ve said to her, if you can get away with the circumstances have changed line. Otherwise less than you planned, so you have some left for if she needs it to leave, and say it has to be ringfenced, I don’t contribute to joint property.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 07/03/2025 13:05

I would give the deposit on the proviso that it is covered by a legal agreement, drawn up by a solicitor,m and signed by her and partner which protects the amount in case of future breakup or sale of house.

Unless they are both putting in equal deposits.

Snapncrackle · 07/03/2025 13:05

All he has to do is marry her and even with the deposit ring fenced im pretty sure it becomes a marital asset

Whatifwewereallperfect · 07/03/2025 13:05

You will be required to complete a form stating under what circumstances the money is being given, namely a gift to both, a gift just to your daughter or simply a loan. We have done this twice for our children and I think it is a requirement for the mortgage/money laundering. Check with a local solicitor but I think this form is exactly to cover situations like your daughter's.

LizardQueeny · 07/03/2025 13:07

Is she aware of your worries?

Shalalalaboomboom · 07/03/2025 13:10

You'd be enabling the relationship if you gave her this money. For all you know, he may just be hanging around in expectation of this, so not giving it might make him lose interest.

I would not be giving her this money in the present circumstances.

cheeseismydownfall · 07/03/2025 13:13

It's such a difficult one OP. Due to inheritance we will be in a position to gift substantial deposits to our DC (we're planning on effectively passing it all on to them) and this is basically my nightmare scenario.

If you give her the money you are enabling a financial tie between them that becomes another barrier to her leaving him, and of course the incredibly galling prospect of him taking part of the money in the event of a breakup.

But as PPs have pointed out, if you backtrack now, or try to put legal protections in place, then you risk giving him ammunition against you.

Have you discussed specific amount with her in the past?