Should both sets of parents be treated the same on Mothers Day?

[Nconee]

Posting before Mothers Day as I’m getting a general idea before I say something.

Son has been with his partner for a few years. He moved in with her last year and is getting married this year. Mother’s Day was shortly after he moved in with her last year. He got me a card and a photo frame. He would always get me similar for Mothers Day. He came to see me a few days before Mother’s Day- alone. I do have other children but they live hours away. I then saw on Facebook they had gone for a meal with her Mum & siblings and bought her Mum got a huge bouquet of flowers and a huge cake.

This year is coming up and I know DIL isn’t particularly keen on me so I am not expecting her to organise my present. I know I am going to be upset when I see her Mums post on Facebook again. They are getting married in the summer. AIBU to expect them to treat us both the same way when it comes to Mother’s Day gifts now? I’m half expecting just a card in the post.

It’s the wrong assumption though.

OPs daughter hasn’t been to see her in 5 years!

I like what @delatron said.

“She allows her older children to neglect her”?!
since when do parents have such control over their adult kids??
I agree she’s putting everything on her son as he’s the only one around and that’s wrong but the tone of some of these replies is really unpleasant.

It's the changing times .. when I was married 40 odd years ago it was my responsibility to sort birthdays, christmas etc for family and my ex-husband left it to me. My mother in law was very critical and I've never had a good relationship with my mother so they both were treated equally. When I was a daughter in law I felt I was treading on eggshells all the time and now I'm a mother in law I was the one also treading on eggshells until eventually my sons both didn't bother anymore so I've just let them get on with it. Never expect anything then I'm not disappointed! 😕

Yeah I don't get this either.

Since the lockdowns, my parents have done more of the travelling to see us, because we live 4 hours away and we had a baby in the lockdowns. Much easier for them to "pop" along than for us to do it. Not impossible, and we have visited with little one, but it's not as easy as getting in the car and setting off. However, there's been some shifts in health and now little one is bigger, we're doing more of the travelling, although for us it always involves staying over cos 8 hours in the car in one day with a 3 year old is not something any of us wants.

You have to make the effort, but it goes both ways. Don't berate the child that has been there all the time and accept the other doesn't bother. All her children should be making the effort, even if it looks different for each of them.

You forgot the 'with impunity' in your first sentence. I mean that she doesn't make a fuss about not seeing her daughter for 5 years, but does make a fuss if her youngest son doesn't visit her on Mother's Day, despite him acting as her carer for years after she became disabled. Her reactions to these two adult children are very different. That is what is so puzzling.

I think you should unfollow (not unfriend) her on Facebook because it will drive you crazy going forward if these kinds of posts are bothering you, best not to know about them at all.

I live over 6,000 miles away from my parents. I still see them at least 3 times a year.

Your other children are making it very clear they don’t give a sh*t. There is obviously a whole lot more to this family situation. Not seeing any of your children at Christmas is shocking & heartbreaking 💔

I'm starting to understand why your son's partner doesn't like you !

I am glad you have sorted the argument and you apologised. I have not even thought about Mother's Day and would not dream of expecting cards/presents and visits. If they aren't forthcoming willingly then I would rather they didn't bother.

It might be time for you to start trying to be a bit more independent by trying to get around more on your own with assistance from people other than your son and maybe try and build better relationships with your other children. No doubt having 5 children and working created a tricky dynamic with not enough time to go round. Maybe they have all decided that they don't need to make an effort now you have lots of time.

Well done apologising OP.

I know it's difficult and I'll probably be miffed myself when DS is a man.

I sadly don't have expectations from life experience, SIL definitely took on tne role for Dbro too, buying a card and flowers.
I don't understand why a lot of men ignore the role.

Anyway the best of luck, look into the rental agreement to check if you can sublet a room, or offer it to a student for an agreement of light duties, as a live in carer role. I'm sure you can have a live in carer, they can claim carer's allowance and pay a small amount of rent and utilities.

If you do rent a room, use the extra money to buy a mobility scooter.

Get your freedom back.

Things are forever changing, the bad and the good.

You've done your job, they're adults, look out for you.

Still his choice though. He's happy to let her spend that much because it's important to his wife. If it's not a priority for him he'll spend more on something else.

I'd try not to focus on it; it'll become an obsession and wear you out.

OP it sounds like the other family is much closer that yours. Maybe your DIL and her siblings club together to buy Mother’s Day gifts. That’s what we do in my family. Your smaller gift is just from one son - but of all your children clubbed together it would be a much bigger gift.

do your other children buy you Mother’s Day gifts?

Don't fight with your children's partners and/or their families, you will only make yourself feel more neglected and rejected, having given them reason for that. My daughter never forgets mothers day; my son wouldn't have a clue. It's up to them. Stop sulking.

I actually think your daughters are very selfish and they seem to have just left everything to their brother when it comes to you. You might be disabled and struggle to visit them but they could come and visit you with your grandchildren. My sister lives in Australia and has visited the UK to see my mum since Covid. I can see how your son feels a little as due to my sister living abroad it falls to me to see my mum, and previously my dad before he passed away. I did a lot of the running about for both during Covid. And since then also.

When me and my now ex DH got married, his mother had absolutely no input into our wedding. The only real input my mum had was she did come shopping with me for my dress. When it came to bridesmaids dresses his mum didn’t come either despite his airer being a bridesmaid. So I don’t think it’s uncommon for the groom’s parents/mum not to have much input.

As for your original question re Mother’s Day. I can see how it’s hurtful if she goes all out for her mum and he doesn’t for you. But really he should be speaking to his siblings to sort something together for you. Yes they might have a joint account where you paid money for a joint gift for Xmas, however I suspect they have individual accounts too where they spend from for their own things and likely just sort their own mother’s days gifts. When I was married my ex h did tend to leave all gift shopping to me. For everyone on his side as well as mine but since we separated he’s had to step up with that all now. But o know from friends that he sorts his mum and she sorts her mum. Gifts can be different. I always tried to keep the £spent the same.

so I get your point but if your sons girlfriend sorted it then maybe he has just had to go along for it,I'm the same every year I always think il get this for my mum and this for her but never think of my partners mum I can't help it and don't do it to he a bitch on purpose I just don't think till it's too late

My husband won't see his Mum on Mothers Day. He won't send her cards or a gift, either. If she's lucky, she'll get a text.

My mum is long dead so it's nothing to do with me - it's because he tried to lay boundaries with her for years and she ignored them and trampled on them, and now he is pretty hands-off. He does not see her on Mothers Day as he doesn't want to celebrate the type of Mum she is; and she tends to turn it into a moan about something anyway.

He's not bothering with her because he doesn't want to. Nobody but him can say why that is, but it's telling that OP's other children feel the same way, but she's unfussed by them doing it. They seem to decline contact quite often, and it's accepted - possibly because they have children to use as an excuse, but DS doesn't?

I'd be heartbroken if my DS didn't want to see me or talk to me around Mother's Day, and I had to nag him into meeting me the week before, but with that would have to come a lot of reflection on how we'd ended up in such an awful place.

well no,its mothers day not fathers day

🤦🏻‍♀️

Did you read any of the posts? Even just the first one?

It is down to each "child" to organise and do things for their respective mother. So in this case, your son is the one letting you down. It has nothing to do with DIL.

Secondly, you clearly have a fractured relationship with your other children. Having children and working is not a reason why they wouldn't drive an hour and a half to see their mother unless there was an issue. My DH and I frequently drove 4hrs each way to just spend the the day with my Mil. It was an exhausting day but we made the effort. I wouldnt have done this if MIL was critical of me.

It sounds like you heavily depended on your son and then he met DIL and became more independent and decided not to care for you st the same level. You sound resentful of your DIL for taking your unofficial carer away from you.

Listen to what your son is saying to you. He is telling you he feels overwhelmed you are putting all of this on him and he is frustrated your other children don't help. He is also telling you to get an actual carer if you need. These are very fair emotions and comments.

It is completely understandable to be lonely and to feel unsafe now you are living alone. But I would try to be self critical about your feelings towards DIL and whether you are projecting... Or maybe DIL is protective over a fiance she feels was taken advantage of by his mother.

If you’re going to miss the point, do so in spectacular fashion 👏.

I did yeah why?am I not allowed to write on this like everyone else ?

Yes, oranges are round.

Apparently, random comments that have nothing to do with the posts are good with you.

Probably because you have spectacularly missed the whole point of the thread. Which kind of indicates that you didn’t read or comprehend the issue being raised.

However, that doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to “write like everyone else”. But it will probably mean that any further input will be a tad nonsensical. What ever floats your boat I guess.