Should both sets of parents be treated the same on Mothers Day?

[Nconee]

Posting before Mothers Day as I’m getting a general idea before I say something.

Son has been with his partner for a few years. He moved in with her last year and is getting married this year. Mother’s Day was shortly after he moved in with her last year. He got me a card and a photo frame. He would always get me similar for Mothers Day. He came to see me a few days before Mother’s Day- alone. I do have other children but they live hours away. I then saw on Facebook they had gone for a meal with her Mum & siblings and bought her Mum got a huge bouquet of flowers and a huge cake.

This year is coming up and I know DIL isn’t particularly keen on me so I am not expecting her to organise my present. I know I am going to be upset when I see her Mums post on Facebook again. They are getting married in the summer. AIBU to expect them to treat us both the same way when it comes to Mother’s Day gifts now? I’m half expecting just a card in the post.

Can you go and visit your other children?

Well he prefers not to be made a fuss of himself, as do I.

I presume he'll find a partner who has the same attitude like I did with his dad.

I can't abide how demanding people get on their birthdays etc.

Unfortunately not as I have no way to get to them

Well he did do something, he went to lunch with her for Mother's Day.

Did you go outfit shopping with your son? Would you expect her mother to be upset about this ?

Yes, it's another example of the expectation on women to manage/maintain/build family relationships. No one would be bothered if a future son in law didn't involve his future mother or father in law in wedding plans.

No I didn’t. He went with DIL and then with the wedding party.

This sounds hard DP, I was very mindful with my ExH that we got our mums similar presents on mother's day. I also made a huge effort to include her in wedding planning etc which I think she appreciated. I think you need ro explain to your son that your feeling a little left out as he may not have though about this.

I still see my mum on Mothers day and I take my DD to see her too. Sometimes we will go round to my brothers and my SIL's mum will come round too.

With my current partner the amount we spend on our mum's is different but they are different people. My mum hates people spending money on her so I will tend to get a smaller bunch of flowers and some really thoughtful gifts whereas my DP's doesn't mind been spoilt with a huge bunch of flowers - both are fine and I would treat them the same as they like what they like

These threads always provoke the 'this is how you raised him' response.

I have raised DS with absolute love, modelling kindness, appreciation of others, and the importance of getting off your arse now and then for no personal gain. DP models this too.

Guess what, he's still selfish to the core. Any card or gift given is under duress and tbh now that he's 14 he doesn't massively care about his own birthday or even Christmas. None of his friends do birthday meals, or acknowledge each other's birthdays. My brother is similar, despite being brought up by a radical feminist who actively tried to raise us all without expectations based on sexual stereotypes.

I'm hoping DS matures and becomes the wonderful man I know he can be, but if he doesn't you can fk off blaming his mum. I'm killing myself here.

I think it's a shame that he went for lunch with them & didn't twig that actually he could be doing that with you.

As others have said you are way over thinking this. Of course your DIL sorts out her own Mother's Day and your son does his.

How and what your son does with you is simply down to him.

Why would you have gone dress shopping with your to be DIL when she has her mother to go with her. Did you go suit shopping with your son?

You also mention you are going to ring your DS and ask him about Mother's Day. Isn't it up to your son to contact you about this?

What on earth is wrong with "just a card in the post"? That's what everyone did for Mother's Day for decades.
Only now there is all this performative nonsense, shops full of junk, cheap chain restaurants hiking up their prices, and people comparing notes on what they "got".
It would be so much better if we just stuck to little children giving Mummy some daffs and a cup of tea in bed. That's it.
Adults really should know better than to buy into all the commercialised hype, which is now as bad as Valentine's Day.

CheesePlantBoxes has it in the first response.

He bought you the same gift as he always has.

She treated her mother as she always has done.

It might change if they have kids, or it might not.

Your DIL did a nice thing for her mother. HER mother.

Your son? He's the one who should be planning and doing a nice thing for you.

This is all on him. It's not her job to pick up your son's shortcomings and manage this for him.

Doesnt really matter whether they have combined finances or not. Me and my fiancé have combined finances, I spend more on birthdays and Christmases for my family and always have, its a choice. He could if he wanted to, he doesnt, because thats not what their family does. TBH it sounds like you used to be fine with it but now you want more and I dont think that is really fair on your son.

So your son chose not to invite you to his outfit shopping. And that’s your DILs fault ( or is it mother’s fault ) because ?!

You see we are back to this theme - everything that he does / doesn't do is HER FAULT . Can’t you see how this way of thinking is poisoning your relationships ?

Hopefully he will duck out of her arranements for her mother this year and take his mother out with all the bells and whistles. She, the girlfriend/wife will then be up in arms though! The OP has to realise that the future DIL will make it her aim to elbow her MIL out of their 'little family' whereas his MIL will have to be treated like a goddess by him!

He hasn't done anything different to usual & I guess that's also how he sees it.

Not that he had lunch with someone else's mother-which I guess is how Op sees it.

Quite often families wish to use their daughter-in-laws communication skills to have a better relationship with their son.

Honestly, it's not her responsibility.

This young lady has treated her own mother and with all due respect it is not her job to make a fuss of her partner's mother. Probably he would love it if she intervened and organised similar for you, but honestly this is just women's work... should she write all his Christmas cards too, should she remember all the birthdays in his family? I mean he's a grown man. If she starts doing it now she will have to do it all for years... My mother did this for my father's family as she was trying to be a good wife etc, despite working a demanding job.. it was thankless (from him) and his family didn't even like her! I vowed never to do the same. Unfortunately this means that my Partner's family get a lot less attention...but that really is my Partner's choice, he is less thoughtful, caring and empathetic...but should that really equate to more work for me? I'm afraid I have children and busy job and don't really have the energy for women's work...

OP I think it’s really clear that DIL organised something for her mum and your son came along. If he was your only child I would understand but you also have other children who you are giving a free pass to to not do anything special for you and instead slyly putting the blame on DIL.

Gift giving with two sides of the family gets tricky. There can be long standing traditions and very different patterns. It’s not always just an issue of a single child on each side being able to adjust the rules.

most importantly, it should not automatically become the wife’s responsibility to start handling gift giving for a husband’s family. If the couple chooses that division of labor because she enjoys the task and he trades her for something of equal effort that can be their decision, but far too often this is seen as women’s work and we need to fight against that.

now is also the time to realize that sometime soon the Mother’s Day focus is going to be shifting to DIL. The older generation will be acknowledged, but the actively parenting generation really should be the one getting spoiled. So instead of thinking that it’s not fair you only get a card, think about talking to your son and make sure he does better for his wife when the time comes.

Yes. Many couples who combine finances still keep separate budgets for personal spending. So it could well be that if one person spends more (or less) on presents/eating out/fripperies, that's out of the their own funds and not really appropriate to compare between them on how they choose to allocate that.

Different families have different traditions, but that doesn't necessarily indicate anything about how loved or liked you are.

My ex's Mum always wanted huge things she could share on social media. 'Worlds best Mum' type mugs, teddies, and flowers etc. It was very clear what her expectations were and so everyone fulfilled them. Even though she was an utter pain and not well liked.

My own Mum would prefer to spend time together or a phone call. She'd see a present as an unexpected bonus. She'd hate big presents as she doesn't like waste.

Why? Even if that is the case it is a choice - so if the DIL in spending money out of her own spends, then the son can do the same out of his but is choosing not to. Me and DP have joint and we have are own spends and have rules around it, and presents dont come out of our personal spends, they come out of joint. But that is not what the OP is saying, she is saying she thinks its coming out of joint spends - and again, so? The son could do the same.

Unfortunately my MIL passed away last Sept, so this Mother’s Day will be the first one without her. I was always careful to treat my Mum & MIL the same as far as possible. I generally sorted out all my MIL’s presents for birthday, Christmas and Mother’s Day, my DH did not ask me/expect me to do it, I just did not mind doing it. I use to say it’s Mother’s Day coming up on …… and ask did he have any ideas, suggestions etc.

Sorry you are upset, I do think Mother’s Day, Father’s Day etc. can be a bit OTT, and especially with social media, people can turn these occasions into a competition. I have always bought presents, made cards etc. but as a family never gone in for the meals out etc. It is up to your son on what he buys and does for Mother’s Day, just because he is getting married it does not automatically mean it is your DIL’s job from now on.

This is on your son, not your DIL. Regarding the money thing, who says that it all comes from one pot just because they’re getting married? Even IF they pool their money, you’re suggesting your son is controlled to the point he can’t spend what he wants on you for Mother’s Day. Honestly, it doesn’t sound like you like your DIL very much because you’re making this all her issue. Your son is a grown man and can make his own decisions. If you want to go out for lunch or do a takeaway, maybe just ask politely? Your DIL and her mum aren’t your concern.