Should both sets of parents be treated the same on Mothers Day?

[Nconee]

Posting before Mothers Day as I’m getting a general idea before I say something.

Son has been with his partner for a few years. He moved in with her last year and is getting married this year. Mother’s Day was shortly after he moved in with her last year. He got me a card and a photo frame. He would always get me similar for Mothers Day. He came to see me a few days before Mother’s Day- alone. I do have other children but they live hours away. I then saw on Facebook they had gone for a meal with her Mum & siblings and bought her Mum got a huge bouquet of flowers and a huge cake.

This year is coming up and I know DIL isn’t particularly keen on me so I am not expecting her to organise my present. I know I am going to be upset when I see her Mums post on Facebook again. They are getting married in the summer. AIBU to expect them to treat us both the same way when it comes to Mother’s Day gifts now? I’m half expecting just a card in the post.

Sounds like you are jealous of her mum getting loads of attention, gifts, flowers, posts of Facebook. You aren't the centre of attention, so what? This does not mean that his partner loves her mum more than your son loves you, does it?

It's honestly not worth getting upset about. I know a woman who refused to speak to her son for 6 years because he didn't get her a Mother's Day card one year.

I felt terrible giving up buying gifts for MIL, wanting DH to take responsibility, he did not, so MIL gets a phone call.
I did buy Christmas gifts this year, it's about 3 years since I sent gifts, I won't do it next year, unless he decides to organise it. He won't.

Op some couples have joint pots for joint expenses and still have their own accounts for their own spends. It might be that she is treating her mum from her own funds rather than using joint money to do so. Even if she was it's still doesnt mean she's preventing your son from doing the same.

I can see why it stings to see the posts but this isn't on your DIL. It's so common for the woman to be doing organising and she's going to go to those she's comfortable with to help and support her in things. Are the families helping with the wedding financially? That may or may not also have an impact.

Oh don’t start down this path OP….. no good will come from it and you won’t be the one who “wins”.

I speak as someone who’s DH no longer speaks to his mum and the cracks began when she starting behaving ridiculously about Mother’s Day.

Well it looks like her mother raised her to be more thoughtful.

You raised your son to be LESS thoughtful.

That's really the issue isn't it?

I wouldn't presume just because they have a joint account that mothers day / Christmas / birthday come out of a joint pot.
I have a joint account with my DH, mothers day doesn't come out of the joint pot. I pay for mine and him for his. Only occasion that does is Christmas - as I usually do the organising and shopping for everyone together.

My son is the only one without children. When he has his own I would never expect to see him on Mother’s Day as he will be with his wife.

Even if that involves her mother..?

Wow! What a materialistic way of looking at it. You seem to resent the fact that they have joint finances.

Being the jealous type is not good for your relationship with your son and daughter in law. If you are being this unreasonable already, I don’t envy them having to manage this side of you when they are married.

DH sorts his Mum out, I sorted mine out while she was still alive. I spent Mothers Day with my Mum, The DC with their Mum (me) and DH can choose what he does.
I hate that DIL's get the blame for their H's being shit

nBedBy10 · Today 12:37

MrsSkylerWhite · Today 12:34
Nconee · Today 12:19
I think you are all right though. I will ring him and ask him what is happening on Mothers Day this year.
Oh, FGS! Don’t do that.

Why not?
Nothing wrong with asking your son if they want to do something on mothers day. It's a perfectly natural question in most families. Only on MN are families supposed to ignore each other 🙄

Because if he wants to do something with her, he’ll tell her.

YABU to blame any of this on your DIL.

“They” aren’t organising anything extra for her mum. SHE is doing things with and for her mum and he is just joining. Your son isn’t ringing up a bakery to order a special cake and hand picking flowers for his MIL and then ignoring you, these things are all being done by his future wife for her own mother. It is NOT and never should be the wife’s job to organise her husbands family admin including presents, communication or visits etc.

Is it not a little unfair that you're pinning all hopes/expectations on one DC because your other DCs have kids/live further away. We all live in the same city but before we had DC my MIL had a similar expectation of DH because we didn't have kids but her other DS did. It always wound us up that he was suddenly expected to pick up the slack for his sibling & do more than he perhaps would have previously.

And certainly not fair & nothing to be gained comparing what your DS does for you vs what his DP does for her DM. Two completely different relationships with two completely different histories/expectations etc etc.

My son is the only one without children. When he has his own I would never expect to see him on Mother’s Day as he will be with his wife.
Grandmothers are mothers, you're putting a lot on pressure on your needs and his as the youngest boy, he is a man now, why can't the adults with children make the effort? Can you visit them for the weekend.

You are putting too much weight on ONE DAY. What's he like as a son the rest of the year?

This, the daughter organised something for her mum and family they are a couple so went together, if you want to do something with your son/family then you might need to nudge them.

God you sound like a nightmare.

OP, I'm sorry to hear that absolutely none of your adult children make any effort with you on Mother's Day - I wonder why this is? - but begrudging your soon to be DIL celebrating the day with her own Mum? Mean-spirited.

Last Christmas I let Dh to sort presents for PIL and sil. He was absolutely useless. He went to Sainsbury's to get presents just days before Christmas. Before that I usually planned for Christmas presents but got bored him getting all the praise for them. Not sure what to do next Christmas.

Until then the royal summons is in force.

That does not mean she does not have her own money separate to this. You sent them money

I have never organised anything for my MIL on Mother’s Day, or her birthday or Christmas. Same way my DH has never organised anything for my Mum.

I really hope my MIL isn’t annoyed with me personally if she’s unhappy with the effort my DH puts in.

While I think it's a shame your ds didn't make much effort with you last year, I think you are being a bit too easy on your other dcs. My dm lived far from me and my db but one of us would always invite her down for mother's day. She didn't always say yes but the door was open.

Your son is responsible for sorting out your present and seeing you.
I get my mums gift and we see her.
My husband doesn’t get his mum anything or acknowledge it as she doesn’t believe in Mother’s Day and is an arse anyway!

I 💯 percent agree