Should both sets of parents be treated the same on Mothers Day?

[Nconee]

Posting before Mothers Day as I’m getting a general idea before I say something.

Son has been with his partner for a few years. He moved in with her last year and is getting married this year. Mother’s Day was shortly after he moved in with her last year. He got me a card and a photo frame. He would always get me similar for Mothers Day. He came to see me a few days before Mother’s Day- alone. I do have other children but they live hours away. I then saw on Facebook they had gone for a meal with her Mum & siblings and bought her Mum got a huge bouquet of flowers and a huge cake.

This year is coming up and I know DIL isn’t particularly keen on me so I am not expecting her to organise my present. I know I am going to be upset when I see her Mums post on Facebook again. They are getting married in the summer. AIBU to expect them to treat us both the same way when it comes to Mother’s Day gifts now? I’m half expecting just a card in the post.

I completely agree you’re putting far too much expectation into this one day. The amount spent on flowers etc for Mother’s Day doesn’t equate to how loved you are. It’s also totally unfair to expect a lot from just one of your children as they don’t have kids of their own.

Your son bought you a card and present and came to spend time with you. I think a photo frame is more thoughtful than flowers.
I think if you start comparing and being upset by things like this then it’s a slippery slope.

Years ago on Mother’s Day my husband went out and bought expensive ingredients and went to his parents and made them Mother’s Day lunch. His Mum asked exactly what my Mum had gotten and how much it had cost. (My Mum was very hard up at the time and I’d given her £20 towards some new jeans!)
He was absolutely devastated because he felt that all the effort he had gone to wasn’t appreciated. He refuses to do anything thoughtful now and Mother’s Day is purely an exchange to keep her from complaining. Sad.
Moral of the story - Don’t compare, please be grateful x

Each does their own - I don't very much your son organised his partners mums present

I think your being ungrateful towards your sons efforts

But you don't know how they sort their finances surely, maybe they have separate accounts and spend from that for gifts. Either way, what you get for Mothers day is down to your son. It is up to him how much of a fuss he makes of such things, not your DIL. Although if my DH had a good relationship with his mother & I didn't think he was making much of an effort & she may be upset, I would perhaps mention it to him, but the reality is it's up to him what he get's for her.

Yabu. As many others have already said, it is on your son to “do” Mothers Day for you. What your future DIL does for her own mother is none of your business.

A daughter is a daughter for life, a son is a son until he finds a wife.

Girls always do more. Relax, stop watching other people. Appreciate the little things, social media is all for show 💙

Can I suggest you use Women's Day tomorrow to have a think about your own misogyny?
Mother's Day is for celebrating your own mum. DIL and her siblings decided to to get their mum a meal out, flowers and cake. Your son decided to get you a card and a photo frame present.
Your DIL is absolutely nothing to do with how he celebrates you, any more than he would have been responsible for ordering that cake for her mum.
If her parents are involved in organising wedding stuff it is because she has asked them. If you are not it is because your son hasn't asked you. You'll have a much happier future relationship with her if you stop expecting her to be a better child to you than your own child.

@Nconee i am also a MIL and I’d like to give you some advice if I may.

its the 21st century and your son is getting married, not hiring staff . It’s not your future DILs job to organise anything for your family - cards , gifts, visits, photos, phone calls, what’s app groups .

It’s not her job to make her finance / husband organise anything for his family.

Nor it is her job to make his family into the same kind of family as hers - close, supportive, involved.

I undertand that you are jealous of her close relationship with her family. But if you don’t curb this now, your jealousy will ruin any chance of a good relationship with your DIL and her whole family . Which will affect things will your son and any future children.

So this is your hands now - do not sow the seeds of trouble now and then be surprised that you reap a heap of trouble in the future.

If you want to be close to your son, then YOU need to make that happen. It’s between you and him. Expecting or even demanding that someone else do that is a highway to disaster in your relationship.

How is that phrase relevant? He's not married yet, and he's continued to do what he's always done.

I'm afraid this is the crux of it. You will just cause yourself a huge amount of anguish if you start playing comparison games.

It's not her fault that your son hasn't ever done family dinners and big bunches of flowers - that means it's not really part of your family dynamics. And making it all about the money spent is a bit off tbh.

You are on the right track with giving him a call, but I wouldn't ask him what's happening; I'd speak to him honestly and say it's really important to you that you see him somewhere before Mother's Day. That you'd love to still do a dinner together and a bunch of flowers and that's your expectation this year and in the future, and could you maybe make it a standing appointment for the weekend before (at least until they have children). Not in a demanding way but just to communicate truthfully with him.

Then it's up to him whether or not he listens!

Well that's a ridiculous phrase but also it's not even what has happened here. He didn't previously put in loads of effort but now he's got a wife he's stopped bothering.

Hi, thanks for so many responses.

I am reading and taking them all on board. I was never going to say anything to DIL at all about this. I was thinking about asking DS to be mindful of treating us both the same this Mother’s Day. I do see how this will come across now so I will refrain.

I visit my other children as often as I can but they have their own children hence why I expect nothing from them on Mothers Day. They do send cards though. I have never visited DS as when I’ve asked they have always been busy. Which is another reason why I feel DIL doesn’t particularly like me. I try to invite them over for a roast often but that gets turned down too and I have a feeling this is her as DS loves my roasts. I also wasn’t asked to go dress shopping with her and I saw this on her mums facebook too. I haven’t said anything but it still stung a little bit. DIL doesn’t really use Facebook at all so I’m not sure if she even knows how much I can see.

DS does visit when he can but DIL rarely ever comes with him. I have seen her twice in the last two years. It’s hard to not take it personally from her but as you all said he is my son and it should be on him. I will ring him when he visits work and ask about Mothers Day.

If her parents are involved in organising wedding stuff it is because she has asked them. If you are not it is because your son hasn't asked you.

Exactly!

I organise my Mother’s Day gifts for my mum and dh organises his. I’ve no idea what he gets her. She isn’t my mum so I don’t sort it for him. If she’s disappointed with her gifts then I guess she should have raised a better son

I also wasn’t asked to go dress shopping with her and I saw this on her mums facebook too.

So? I know some people ask their future MIL to go to this, but I don't think it's so expected that it's a snub if it doesn't happen.

I see the classic mention of “DIL doesn’t like me” suggesting that the blame is on her. It’s not. It’s your son. It’s not up to your DIL to make a fuss of you in Mother’s Day, her responsibility is her own mum. And if your son can’t be bothered making the same effort for you, that’s between you and him, not her.

Also maybe they spent time/went out for a meal last year with your DILs mum, cause her mum was the one who organised it? You don’t sound like you’ve made any effort to organise anything with them, so I think yes, YABU.

(The reason why I suggest not being rigid about it having to be the day itself is because it may come across confrontational/hostile to your DIL-to-be. But if it really matters to you that it's on the day itself, then I think it's fair to say so. Otherwise perhaps the Saturday rather than the Sunday is a good compromise. And perhaps you could make him a roast that day as you know he loves your roasts)

Why on earth do you think you would have been invited dress shopping? That's a mother daughter thing, not a MIL thing.

My partner really doesn't like my parents, and its because of how they treat me differently to my sibling who has children. He feels really defensive over me and knows how much pain it causes me to see. I'd be really mindful that you dont burden one child with expectation because "they don't have their own children" .

No I wouldn't expect that at all. There is no reason why a couple should coordinate and treat their mothers in the same way. This between you and your son. What he does for you has nothing to do with what your DIL does for her mother. You were content with it before, so should be content now.

I don't think my DH did anything for his mother at all for mother's day (she's in a different country and they celebrate on a different day, but still) whereas I always made some gesture for mine. Wouldn't never have occurred to me that was a problem.

The only way in which I think fairness/equality might come into it would be if doing something for one mother meant they couldn't do it for the other eg if they always took one mother out for lunch as a whole family, and never the other.

Her not inviting you dress shopping (which is fine anyway) is completely unrelated to the amount of effort your son puts in (and has always put in) to Mother's Day.

DH doesn't really bother much with cards and gifts for his family. I used to try and do things to be "fair" but over time I have given up and left him to organise things for his family and I will do things for mine. This does mean my family end up getting more than his family do because I put more effort in but that's not my fault. The only exception I make is my nieces and nephews on his side of the family. I make sure they get presents / money.

I visit my other children as often as I can but they have their own children hence why I expect nothing from them on Mothers Day. They do send cards though. I have never visited DS as when I’ve asked they have always been busy. Which is another reason why I feel DIL doesn’t particularly like me. I try to invite them over for a roast often but that gets turned down too and I have a feeling this is her as DS loves my roasts. I also wasn’t asked to go dress shopping with her and I saw this on her mums facebook too

This is exactly what I mean about your jealousy! You are upset that she went dress shopping with her mum! How does that hurt you?

Did you go outfit shopping with your son? Would you expect her mother to be upset about this ?

They turn down your invitation for a meal and yet it’s your DIL fault and not your sons. This is all in your head , you have no idea why. If your son wanted to come alone, I’m sure he can do so . So it’s HIS choice .

This toxic thought pattern ( anything my son does that I don’t like is HER fault , everything that SHE does with her own family is done to spite me ) is going to destroy any chance of a relationship with hour DIL and her family and probably your son.

If you can’t get over this yourself , you should think about going for counselling to think this through more rationally and hopefully take positive steps to fix things.

Unfollow her/her mother for goodness sake, she won’t know that you have done this and you won’t be getting your nose rubbed in things constantly. Comparison really is the thief of joy!!

Every point here is followed up with why it's all your DIL's fault.

He says he's too busy for a visit, DILs fault.
If he wants to come for a roast, even if she doesn't want to, he can go.
She didn't invite you wedding dress shopping. OK? That's her choice, lots of people can be overwhelming. I bet her parents aren't upset they didn't get to go suit shopping with him.

She probably senses you dislike/resent her, and that's why she doesn't come with him most of the time. I don't always accompany my husband to see his parents, in case they prefer spending time with just him.

You need to stop blaming her for everything, your son's a grown man who makes his own choices.