Should both sets of parents be treated the same on Mothers Day?

[Nconee]

Posting before Mothers Day as I’m getting a general idea before I say something.

Son has been with his partner for a few years. He moved in with her last year and is getting married this year. Mother’s Day was shortly after he moved in with her last year. He got me a card and a photo frame. He would always get me similar for Mothers Day. He came to see me a few days before Mother’s Day- alone. I do have other children but they live hours away. I then saw on Facebook they had gone for a meal with her Mum & siblings and bought her Mum got a huge bouquet of flowers and a huge cake.

This year is coming up and I know DIL isn’t particularly keen on me so I am not expecting her to organise my present. I know I am going to be upset when I see her Mums post on Facebook again. They are getting married in the summer. AIBU to expect them to treat us both the same way when it comes to Mother’s Day gifts now? I’m half expecting just a card in the post.

I think way too much fuss is made for Mothers Day. Card, flowers etc. is enough. Meals out on special days aren't something I'd be wanting. Same re Valentines

I sent them money for Christmas and he gave me the details for their joint account so I’m not making any presumptions!

Hardly any couples nowadays put all their money in the same pot, so I'd say it's incredibly unlikely that your son is contributing towards his mil present.

Not that it is really any of your business tbh

Same here. If DH wants to sort out a meal he does. I remind him once , well in advance. I send my DSM flowers from the DC and a card for Granny which DS2 writes.

I’ve often wondered how we’d have done it if my DM was alive as BIL is always with SIL’s parents on Mother’s Day. I suppose we’d have had both of them over.

As other posters have said, I doubt that your son is buying the Mother's Day cards and presents for his MIL and arranging meals out. Your DIL is doing all this for her mum and your son is going along with it.

He did buy you a card and a present. Just stay off Facebook and you will be none the wiser about how they celebrated with her mum.

Your Mother’s Day is for your son to organise.

If he makes less effort for you than his partner does for her mom then take that up with your son.

I think you are all right though. I will ring him and ask him what is happening on Mothers Day this year.

My MIL doesn't like me very much and I would feel so, so weird going to see her at her house for mother's day because Im sure she'd much rather see her son without me there, I wonder if that's why she didn't come?

I get why you are upset but it's misdirected.

Isn't it just normal for brides to be more into wedding planning than grooms? And naturally they will involve their family and friends?

If you want more from your son you need to tell him. Your DIL is just taking his lead and he clearly isn't saying to her that 'my mum needs a Mothers Day tea and a wedding role'.

You raised him. YABU.

@Nconee the fact they have a joint account doesn't mean they don't have their own money to spend as they like each month. DH and I have a joint account, and our own accounts. And if I spent more money in a present for my mum, I wouldn't appreciate MIL saying I was spending her son's money.

Nothing to suggest it’s coming out of the same pot. Husband and I share finances and sort gifts for our own family members ourselves. If you want your son to treat you better, perhaps tell him rather than be bitter towards your DIL who has done nothing wrong.

If you expect more effort for Mothers day (from your son, not your future DIL) say so now and give him the opportunity to do something.

Same with the op, what about your son having a partner and sharing children? It’s nice he does bit for you during the year but do you really think that a wife will be ok with a man who doesn’t bother with special dates when women are taught from an early age to make things ‘special’ for others?

So your DIL along with her siblings joined together and got her mum a cake and large flowers, along with a meal out. You say you have other children - are they planning to come and visit and club together with your son for something similar - it's not all on your son. You have other children. Your DIL is doing what she has done previously and your son is doing what he has done previously, you were okay with that before. If you have now changed your mind you need to communicate with your other children along with your son. Yes it stings when things are not fair, but the fairness is continuing what has gone before, your son won't change his usual behaviour and neither will your DIL.

Invite him round for a takeaway.

Your DIL doesn’t have to organise anything for you. That would be down to your DC.

DH and I do talk about what we are going to do on Mother’s Day. Both our mums are in different places geographically so what we do for them might differ, MIL stayed with us last year so we could all have a meal together. But that doesn’t happen every year

Good luck to her if you’re this pissed off before they’re actually married.
Your son is free to organise anything he wants to. He chose not to. Why are you blaming his partner?

It's really up to your son, and your children learned from you what's acceptable for you. Why are your other kids off the hook, but not the son? You could say to him that the celebration of her mum looks great, so you'd like lunch on a different weekend with both of them please, and invite your other kids.

Do bear in mind that you don't know about payments; my dad used to pay if we went out and DM liked to make food at home. We treated them occasionally, but their preference was to pay. When they didn't pay, I did, because one sibling never has money and the other was younger so also had little money. A bunch of flowers between 3 kids could be just £3.50 each. Not that money should matter, but it's just worth making sure you don't get over-invested in perceptions that might be completely wrong. If you want lunch for their time, it may be best to offer to pay.

I get my mum a card and gift for Mother's Day. We go for lunch sometime around Mother's Day but not on the actual day. DH sends his mum a card.

I imagine your son deals with what he does for you, his mum, and she sorts out what she does for her mum. I wouldn't expect any different. You're not her mum.

I do also think that as the bride often does more wedding planning then it's fairly natural her mum is more involved. Try not to take it personally. If you want to be more involved in the wedding perhaps ask your son if there's something you could do to help. If you'd like him to take you out for lunch suggest it to him.

How do you know they have combined finances?

How do you know she alone is spending on her mother and not her and her siblings?

Yes YABU- your son is just continuing to do what he has always done, and his partner is continuing what she has always done.

It’s exactly the same in our house, we go for a meal with my mum for mothers day, flowers/card/chocs/gift, his mum gets a card. That’s all he’s ever done, that’s the set up he has with his mum. I don’t suddenly start arranging things for his mum because I’m married to her son.

Once again - take this up with your son.

Yes you are making presumptions. My husband and I have a joint account and separate accounts in our own names too. If you wanted to send us a joint monetary gift, I’d give you the details for the joint account. It’s not an either or. And even if they do share all their money, that’s irrelevant here. You and your son have a gift giving relationship you’ve always been happy with on Mother’s Day and your DIL and her mother have a separate gift giving culture between them.

I don't understand how you've been apparently happy with Mother's Day for years, but now you see your DIL doing more, suddenly you want more. It's not a competition.

If they have children I get the feeling you'll be annoyed if your DIL's mother meets the baby first.