Should both sets of parents be treated the same on Mothers Day?

[Nconee]

Posting before Mothers Day as I’m getting a general idea before I say something.

Son has been with his partner for a few years. He moved in with her last year and is getting married this year. Mother’s Day was shortly after he moved in with her last year. He got me a card and a photo frame. He would always get me similar for Mothers Day. He came to see me a few days before Mother’s Day- alone. I do have other children but they live hours away. I then saw on Facebook they had gone for a meal with her Mum & siblings and bought her Mum got a huge bouquet of flowers and a huge cake.

This year is coming up and I know DIL isn’t particularly keen on me so I am not expecting her to organise my present. I know I am going to be upset when I see her Mums post on Facebook again. They are getting married in the summer. AIBU to expect them to treat us both the same way when it comes to Mother’s Day gifts now? I’m half expecting just a card in the post.

Your son isn't a child.

He's free to organise the same for you and spend the same amount of money on you.

Having said that, it's possible her siblings shared the cost.

This is a bit of a silly comment. Presumably she either puts her whole wage in the account or pays part of her wage in and keeps some in her own account. Either way she is allowed to spend her wages as she see sees fit and her wages are not owed to your son, they are there to cover bills and whatever spending agreements they have betweens themselves.

So your son is free to spend the same on you.

If he doesn't want to, that's nothing to do with her and everything to do with him, and his relationship with you.

Comparison is the thief of joy! You were probably happy with your son's effort before you saw your DIL's mum's FB posts

Sadly that's not usually the case, it's rarely equal unless you have a really thoughtful son.

You can't do that. It's bad manners to ask someone what they are going to do to celebrate you! It's up to them to offer, not you to ask.

I think YABU. It’s up to him if he wants to make a big thing of Mothers Day for HIS mother.
Personally, I think MD is a bit of nonsense once kids are grown up. It’s a lovely opportunity for younger children who are actively looked after by their mum’s but once you’re an adult and living independently it’s a bit meh. It’s a bit like Valentine’s Day when you’re in a grown up and established relationship. Surely it’s better to show love and respect throughout the year rather than one day a year?

I'm cooking a meal on Mother's Day for my DS and his girlfriend whose visit home from overseas just happens to coincide with Mother's Day. My DD may or may not be home or may or may not go and see her partner's mum, and DS2 is likely not to be home. I anticipate cards, though with the post these days, they may be late. If I get a gift, I'd be delighted, though wouldn't expect one. I'm also inviting my neighbours to join us for a meal, with their DS, who is friends with my DS, as it saves him having to do anything specifically special on the cooking front for his mum. Mother's Day is just what you want to make it. If your DC giving you what you would like, be proactive and make something you would like happen.

Having a joint account doesn't mean ALL money is joint!

My brother is useless, doesn't even acknowledge special days let alone send a card, but gets away with it. I think sons/men/father/brothers are always given a special pass and it's expected the wife or partner should organise it?

Not on your Nelly.

This.

In my experience women tend to be more thoughtful and spend more time with their mothers. I'm not saying all men are like this before anyone jumps on me.

Why don't you message all of your children and suggest you meet up for a meal or takeaway on the day.

Nconee · Today 12:19
I think you are all right though. I will ring him and ask him what is happening on Mothers Day this year.

Oh, FGS! Don’t do that.

If it doesn't work out with the mothers day you want then treat yourself instead. Go to lunch with a friend and buy yourself some nice flowers. Better than sitting at home feeling hard done by 👍

You have other children? What do they do for Mother's Day? Do they do more than the son you're talking about now? Or is it just your son that now has this increased expectation on him, just because he's marrying a woman who does more for MD?

How do you know what their finances are?

Your problem is your DS, not your DIL. Stop blaming your DIL.

Why not?

Nothing wrong with asking your son if they want to do something on mothers day. It's a perfectly natural question in most families. Only on MN are families supposed to ignore each other 🙄

The rest of my children all have children themselves and as I said live quite far away. I would never expect to see them on the actual day as they are all busy with their children.

Slightly off the point of the thread, but personally, I feel Mothers Day is your own children doing something lovely for you, whilst they are in your care. For example, making you a card, making you breakfast or a cup of tea. Once they are adults, living an independent life, a card in the post is really all that is necessary.
You have had your share of Mothers Day treats. Let it go -it’s far too commercialised today.

Interesting that you don’t begrudge your other children for not spending Mother’s Day with you…distance needn’t be an excuse, we live far from most of our family but are capable of getting in the car/ on a train to spend time with them.

This is resentment for your DIL for whatever reason and how you act now will set the tone for your future relationship.

I always spent mother's day with my mum and my dh spent the day with his. I would just say Oi! I want to spend time with you on mother's day! I mean he can say no, but at least you will know where you stand. As a pp said its doubtful that he does anything at all for his mil, his wife does it and he tags along.

With respect OP I think you have over thought this to the level of petty.

My OH gets his mum a present on Mother’s Day completely independently of me. We don’t discuss it it’s not a joint decision. I look after my own mum.

Facebook/comparison is the thief of joy. Don’t fall into that trap.

If you’d like to spend time with your son on Mothers Day gently suggest it but I’d advice you do not mention your DIL or her mother.

Agreed.

My son is the only one without children. When he has his own I would never expect to see him on Mother’s Day as he will be with his wife.

Sorry, it sounds like you’re jealous about what your future DIL does for her mother on Morher’s Day, when how your Mother’s Day pans out is down to your own children. If you’re unhappy about Morher’s Day, speak to your own children. But I wouldn’t bring what DIL’s mother gets into it it, you will only push your son away. Your DIL has no responsibility for your Mother’s Day or other gifts. Expecting her to is expecting her to take on ‘wife work’. It’s not the 1950s.

I feel there are other issues where DIL parents are treated differently to you and Mother’s Day is just another example.

Whilst I agree your presents etc are completely up to you son, and girls happen to be more thoughtful etc. it’s not your future DILs job to get your present or your make sure they “match” in terms of price or thoughtfulness.

BUT I will say, him spending the day with her mum on Mother’s Day would upset me.

Before my husband and I had children we spent Mother’s Day with our own mums, they live in different places. I personally wouldn’t be happy with DH for not seeing his mum Mother’s Day unless they had a bad relationship. Now we have kids, Saturday is “our” mums day and Sunday is my day. It works for us.

Also she is my mum, not his. I don’t even put his name in her Mother’s Day card and we have been together 20 years.

My presents are definitely more thoughtful than his, I usually get tickets to a show whereas he will get some smellies or flowers. But I if I saw something I knew his mum would like I would grab it, but 9/10 I leave it him.