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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH wants to start gym every day before work

230 replies

Mamof3downsouth · 05/03/2025 10:21

So as the post says my DH has said he wants to start going to the gym every morning before work so 6-7.

He leaves for work at 7 and gets home just after 5. We have 3 DC, age 3, 2 and 6 months old. I’m currently on mat leave and my eldest is in nursery so I do the nursery drop off and pick up every day, which is a 15 minute drive

He is self employed the the only day he finishes early is Friday so he can go to the pub.

I’ve asked him if he can go to the gym 8-9 when the oldest 2 are in bed so I’m not doing the whole morning on my own but this isn’t convenient for him, our eldest wake up between 5.30 and 6 (but they go to bed at half 6!)

am I being unreasonable wanting the extra help on a morning? Not sure if I’m just exhausted and want the extra support but being unreasonable.

as he’s self employed, he’s often out weekend mornings looking at/quoting jobs

I just find it very full on with 3 and still BF the baby so the help on a morning is appreciated. He just occupies them; gets the oldest 2 dressed then I sort pack lunch, breakfast and getting them in the car for the nursery run.

OP posts:
SkaneTos · 05/03/2025 10:23

Can you get an hour for yourself every evening, 5 days a week?

CobaltSky · 05/03/2025 10:24

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Original poster
Mamof3downsouth · 05/03/2025 10:24

When I say he entertains the eldest, he usually gives them a tablet/phone 🫣 the baby still wakes several times a night so I ask him to get up with the eldest 2 but he doesn’t actually get out of bed until it’s 6.50 ish to get them dressed

OP posts:
Timetochangeagainagainagain · 05/03/2025 10:26

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Bloody hell. Presumably he chose to have three kids too.
YANBU OP.

DecafDodger · 05/03/2025 10:26

YANBU, he's taking the piss. So he wants to effectively spend no more than half an hour per day with his children? And can shorten his work day, but to go to pub, not to go home?

Original poster
Mamof3downsouth · 05/03/2025 10:26

@SkaneTos he doesn’t want to put the kids to bed on his own, so I can but once the children are in bed and I’d have to take the baby, which is why I think I find it hard!

@CobaltSky I’m still getting most my maternity pay and will go back before stat ends as I earn more than he does so need it to afford bills etc. I do get that but also feel like we both chose to have the children and the then he’s having one hour a day with them 🙈

OP posts:
JemimaFlubberCluck · 05/03/2025 10:26

When do you get your free time to go to the gym or pub?

B1indEye · 05/03/2025 10:27

SkaneTos · 05/03/2025 10:23

Can you get an hour for yourself every evening, 5 days a week?

When my children were of a similar age I wouldn't have equated help in the morning with a free hour in the evening, the former would have been of waaaay more value to me. The OPs children are in bed early so evenings are probably relatively calm.

Is that how you feel OP?

JemimaFlubberCluck · 05/03/2025 10:27

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Don’t be ridiculous

minipie · 05/03/2025 10:27

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Jesus this response!!

First, he’s not the sole breadwinner, she’s on maternity leave so she has a job too

Second, if he has a physical job doesn’t that mean less need to go to the gym?

Thirdly, why isn’t important for OP to stay fit too

Fourthly, he also chose to have kids so why doesn’t he have to suck it up??

MemorableTrenchcoat · 05/03/2025 10:27

Mamof3downsouth · 05/03/2025 10:26

@SkaneTos he doesn’t want to put the kids to bed on his own, so I can but once the children are in bed and I’d have to take the baby, which is why I think I find it hard!

@CobaltSky I’m still getting most my maternity pay and will go back before stat ends as I earn more than he does so need it to afford bills etc. I do get that but also feel like we both chose to have the children and the then he’s having one hour a day with them 🙈

What about weekends?

Dolambslikemintsauce · 05/03/2025 10:28

Well you can have a bath ready for him getting in.. Hand him the baby and go relax in that bath.. Door locked.. . For an hour. 5 days a week..
Not up for discussion just like his gym.

RandomMess · 05/03/2025 10:29

You say no, he's self-employed. He can start work later and go to the gym 8-9am or whatever works best for the whole family.

ohtowinthelottery · 05/03/2025 10:30

Two things spring to mind;

  1. Why every morning? How about 3 times a week?
  2. Going between 8 & 9 isn't "convenient to him". But him going between 6 & 7 isn't convenient to you. Why does his inconvenient trump yours?

He needs to remember he's got 3 children. He doesn't get to just do what he wants any more - he's got shared responsibilities.

DaisyChain505 · 05/03/2025 10:30

Why have you gone on to have not one, not two but THREE children by this man child who doesn’t want to actually parent his children.

When does he solo parent, when does he give you time off, when does he actively do things with the children or around the house without you having to tell him or ask.

Your children have two parents. Him parenting them isn’t “helping you” it’s doing his job as a parent.

876543A · 05/03/2025 10:30

I think its important for parents to exercise, and where possible each of you should facilitate the other to get some exercise time, but every day before work is really excessive when you have kids that young.

I'd suggest 2 mornings a week for him to go to the gym. If he wants to go more than that, he goes in the evenings.

Or he just goes for a run from the front door for half an hour every morning so that way he gets some exercise but doesn't have to be out of the house as long.

There's a way around this but it needs compromise from both sides.

Tiswa · 05/03/2025 10:30

he doesn’t get to say whst he wants or doesn’t want to do

what does he bring to yiur life if he isn’t the main earner and won’t do childcare

Comtesse · 05/03/2025 10:31

Why does he need to go to the gym 5 days a week? Is he training for the Olympics or something?

minipie · 05/03/2025 10:32

he doesn’t want to put the kids to bed on his own

Oh right but it’s fine for you to do the whole morning routine on your own?

You are both the kids’ parents and you should both be there for tough times like early mornings or bedtimes - with 3 under 4 these times are always going to be really difficult .

Once these stages get easier you can reconsider the routine.

minipie · 05/03/2025 10:32

Comtesse · 05/03/2025 10:31

Why does he need to go to the gym 5 days a week? Is he training for the Olympics or something?

He’s trying to avoid the morning mayhem.

DecafDodger · 05/03/2025 10:33

I earn more than he does
Ah, so you are the 'breadwinner' and need your time to ensure you stay fit.

minipie · 05/03/2025 10:33

876543A · 05/03/2025 10:30

I think its important for parents to exercise, and where possible each of you should facilitate the other to get some exercise time, but every day before work is really excessive when you have kids that young.

I'd suggest 2 mornings a week for him to go to the gym. If he wants to go more than that, he goes in the evenings.

Or he just goes for a run from the front door for half an hour every morning so that way he gets some exercise but doesn't have to be out of the house as long.

There's a way around this but it needs compromise from both sides.

The compromise is he goes 8-9pm like OP has offered. He just doesn’t fancy it.

Cattreesea · 05/03/2025 10:35

Often I ask myself why do women keep having children with men who are blatantly not interested in doing their fair share of childcare?

Surely the share of home admin and childcare should be established beforehand and if the father does not step up after the first child it should be a red flag, not a green light to continue to expand the family to the point where it is not manageable?

I think the gym issue is just a red herring and your main problem is that you have a partner who does not pull his weight financially (if you are the main breadwinner) and who is not a hands on father either.

MemorableTrenchcoat · 05/03/2025 10:35

Tiswa · 05/03/2025 10:30

he doesn’t get to say whst he wants or doesn’t want to do

what does he bring to yiur life if he isn’t the main earner and won’t do childcare

Don’t be ridiculous, of course he gets a say, as does OP. It’s a marriage, not a dictatorship.

Comtesse · 05/03/2025 10:36

minipie · 05/03/2025 10:32

He’s trying to avoid the morning mayhem.

Show quote history

Mmm quite. And he doesn’t like the witching hour mayhem much either. And he wants to go to the pub Friday. And go out doing quotes over the weekend.

But he still earns less than OP. Sounds a bit slopey shouldered to me, trying to skive out of family grunt work. Not impressed!