DH wants to start gym every day before work

[Mamof3downsouth]

So as the post says my DH has said he wants to start going to the gym every morning before work so 6-7.

He leaves for work at 7 and gets home just after 5. We have 3 DC, age 3, 2 and 6 months old. I’m currently on mat leave and my eldest is in nursery so I do the nursery drop off and pick up every day, which is a 15 minute drive

He is self employed the the only day he finishes early is Friday so he can go to the pub.

I’ve asked him if he can go to the gym 8-9 when the oldest 2 are in bed so I’m not doing the whole morning on my own but this isn’t convenient for him, our eldest wake up between 5.30 and 6 (but they go to bed at half 6!)

am I being unreasonable wanting the extra help on a morning? Not sure if I’m just exhausted and want the extra support but being unreasonable.

as he’s self employed, he’s often out weekend mornings looking at/quoting jobs

I just find it very full on with 3 and still BF the baby so the help on a morning is appreciated. He just occupies them; gets the oldest 2 dressed then I sort pack lunch, breakfast and getting them in the car for the nursery run.

Why does every thread on here sound like a massive men vs women battle? Holy God!

Yes, we know all men who want time to do things are man babies, useless, workshy, and selfish.

Yes, we know all women are hard done by, selfless, oppressed, have no agency or assertiveness.

Whatever happened to being kind to each other and doing things because it's a nice thing to do? My partner can go chill in the bath etc because I love her, and it's a kind thing to give her time to do.

I cycle most evenings, once child is in bed. It's my way of keeping sane and not being a miserable b×××××d. She allows that because she cares about my sanity. Cos, and I know this is a novel idea, we show kindness to each other!! 😱🤯

In short, get a grip people. It's childish and petty to think "oh so when do I get my time!" It sows resentment, bitterness and ultimately brings about selfishness. If you aren't mature enough to have these convos or care for each other enough to do kind things "just because" then, frankly, you need to grow the hell up.

No wonder so many people are miserable af on here.

I say that w kindness, because I can't stand bullshitting.

I’ve only got one DC, 3, but there’s no way either me or my partner would dream of demanding a specified hour a day during the work week to go to the gym or pursue a hobby!

My partner runs most days, and I run too (although not as much) and we fit it around family life so that we’re both doing our fair share.

A regular hobby outside the house could be accommodated a couple of times a week, definitely not five days.

YANBU, he is, especially when he doesn’t pull his weight anyway.

Being self employed does not automatically give him the flexibility to start work later (I realise that MN thinks the self employed can just float around, but it really doesn't work like that) HOWEVER what he is proposing is very unreasonable

I use to go to the gym 2 morning a week (I was out from 550am to 650am - gym was like 2 mins away) and ask DH to get the kids up and sorted. It was the only time I could go as he goes in the evenings. I do pick ups , dinner and showers those three evenings.
It wasn't unreasonable in my case as my DH goes to the gym 3 evening a week (out for 2 hours approx due to distance and class). I now go the 2 evenings he doesn't as 530am wake ups were not fun!

I think in your case tho your DH is unreasonable to ask for every morning esp if there is time in the evenings for him to go instead.

How old is he?
I started cycling etc in my mid 30s, realising I was getting out of shape. Plus many men start realising that they need to get in shape to be around for the family in their older years.

As I hit 40 I started thinking about dying at 70 and wanted to get that sorted.

@Cheeseburger85 hes 36 so could be that! I don’t want to be an awful wife and not let him but I just don’t know how sane I’ll be doing every aspect of everything on my own 🫣
maybe when I’m back at work, I’ll find it less demanding. I think suggesting 2 or 3 mornings a week could be ok but I’m not sure what he would say to this.

I suggested 8-9 and he hasn’t spoken to me since 🫣

I’m assuming he wasn’t such a committed miracle morning exercise person before he had three kids and has mysteriously now found the urge? Wonder if he’ll actually end up being able to make himself get up at that time though

@Cheeseburger85 have you read the OP’s post at all? This loser Dad wants to do as he pleases and earns less than OP. He can easily go to the gym once the kids are in bed. Yet another dead beat excuse of a father after the fact.

Well maybe if the OP's husband hadn't come in with such a ridiculously fucking one-sided proposal then she could have discussed it with him - or he could have accepted some of her negotiations when she DID try to negotiate with him.

As I said to my husband, no, it doesn't have to be meticulously 50:50. But if you come to me with something that's demonstrably 80:20, you're going to be told to go back to the drawing board before I'll discuss it.

Does he often randomly not speak to you?

Agree with you.

@Mamof3downsouth

“I suggested 8-9 and he hasn’t spoken to me since 🫣”

Well if that’s how he communicates when you have conflict or a problem to solve, then it sounds like him going to the gym is the least of your problems :(

You need to ask him how that is going to work when you return to work and he needs to start doing his share of parenting, nursery run, housework, night wakings etc etc.

Put it back in him to find a solution as more work is coming his way very soon.

Two to three mornings a week sounds sensible, then when he gets home from work just after 5 on the days he has been to the gym, then responsibility of all three children is entirely his and you get to go for an hours walk or get your own ME time. He can make them all dinner.

@Mamof3downsouth

“I just don’t want to come across like a controlling wife not letting him do anything but he seems to get so much more time than I do.”

Telling your partner to step up and do basic parenting is NOT being controlling. The attitude of not wanting to come across as a controlling wife is the reason why so many women end up doing absolutely everything because they are too afraid to stand up for themselves and ask to be treated as an equal in their partnership.

Your “job” as a stay at home mum is the same hours as when your partner works his job. Once he clocks off from work so do you and after that you are just two parents working together to look after your joint children.

It is absolutely unfair that he gets to have free time for himself every single morning leaving you to do everything and it’s absolutely ridiculous that this manchild refuses to put his children to bed.

Stop being afraid to be seen as controlling and stand up for yourself and your children.

I bet he will be too tired once he’s at the gym at 6am and be falling asleep every evening and unable to help then either. However the main issue he isn’t confident or willing to look after dc on his own. He needs to experience this. Or at least leave him regularly with the older 2 and go out for several hours and turn your phone off. Or take the baby and go visit your family for a few days. Or he needs to buy in help to do his share. Many couples one will drop off mornings and one will pick up so both get to work a full day. So I don’t think not being around for morning drop off is that unusual but there should be times he’s supporting you to get the same break.

Noooo, this is not bloody okay. Please tell him so.

you have a six month old ! Who you’re breastfeeding. And wakes regularly overnight ! And two others to manage! And he thinks he can swan off to the gym?? Please for the love of god no, don’t accept this.

imagine it in reverse - in a years time, if your youngest is weaned, would you leave him to manage three children for an hour every morning ? I bet you wouldn’t. And I bet he would kick up a big fuss if you tried !

Tell him to go for 5-6. So he can come back to get the older 2 ready.

this division of labour is off.

I bet that as he gets fitter, he’ll have more energy in the evenings than ever before.

@NoWayRose yes. He does sulk if he doesn’t get his own way but I don’t let it bother me and carry on and ignore him

when I’m back at work, I drop the DC at childminders but would need to be out the house by 7 to get to work on time as I pick them up after too so have to leave work at 4.45 so work in the evenings - he’s unable to do drop offs as has a van so can’t get them
in to do it, which is fair.

I really don’t want to get into just handing him the kids when he gets in as that becomes tit for tat and who’s getting more time etc, I just want the support when it’s hard with the kids. He does not have it hard at all!

Yes exactly. He’s deliberately picking a time when it would get him out of something he doesn’t want to do.

Who gets to go to the gym every day when they have young kids?

And it’s not help that he gives you in the morning, it’s just his role as a parent!

am I being unreasonable wanting the extra help on a morning? You are unreasonable in calling it 'extra help'. You need him to pull his weight.

I'm not surprised you are exhausted, and your DH is selfish - going to the gym, sure but not at peak time in the household.

This.

If mine had tried to pull this one 20 years ago he would have swiftly reconsidered. He’s talking the proverbial. He can go at night.

Sounds like he’s getting himself into a routine which means he’s no longer available to help with the morning routine. It will be awfully convenient for him once you go back to work, and he’s already removed himself from the am parenting. He will make you out to be the bad guy when you ask him to re-assess his am gym routine when you go back to work, and will expect you to continue to do ALL of the am parenting solo before dragging yourself into the office, whilst he lives his best life at the gym.

This man is pathetic and a terrible father. He can't cope with putting his own children to bed and can't look after them without shoving a screen in front of them. Why on earth have you chosen this?