DH wants to start gym every day before work

[Mamof3downsouth]

So as the post says my DH has said he wants to start going to the gym every morning before work so 6-7.

He leaves for work at 7 and gets home just after 5. We have 3 DC, age 3, 2 and 6 months old. I’m currently on mat leave and my eldest is in nursery so I do the nursery drop off and pick up every day, which is a 15 minute drive

He is self employed the the only day he finishes early is Friday so he can go to the pub.

I’ve asked him if he can go to the gym 8-9 when the oldest 2 are in bed so I’m not doing the whole morning on my own but this isn’t convenient for him, our eldest wake up between 5.30 and 6 (but they go to bed at half 6!)

am I being unreasonable wanting the extra help on a morning? Not sure if I’m just exhausted and want the extra support but being unreasonable.

as he’s self employed, he’s often out weekend mornings looking at/quoting jobs

I just find it very full on with 3 and still BF the baby so the help on a morning is appreciated. He just occupies them; gets the oldest 2 dressed then I sort pack lunch, breakfast and getting them in the car for the nursery run.

Maybe sole breadwinner for now, but that doesn't mean he gets to opt out of helping with their children and I would assume he also chose to have 3 children??.

YANBU OP

Staying mentally and physically fit is important, but there has to be a happy medium, and the gym 5 mornings is a bit selfish when you're asking for help with your children,OP. Not to mention the pub on the day he finishes early.
Not like you are saying to stop going altogether, just asking him to go later. I would sit him down one night and discuss it with him, spell it out (you shouldn't need to but here we are). If that doesn't work, perhaps start leaving the house as soon as he gets home and being out for an hour, when he asks why you couldn't go earlier, say that it wasn't convenient for you.

What a ridiculous response! He's not the sole breadwinner, you've no reason to assume his job is physical, and both parents chose to have 3 kids, so why is it only the OP who actually has to do any parenting??

OP, your husband is a selfish lazy arse who apparently intends to contribute nothing to bring up your children. Don't put up with it.

And go out doing quotes over the weekend.

Yes - I don’t know what his job is but I’ve never had any tradesperson offer to come and do a quote at the weekend. Sounds like he’s avoiding childcare again.

Oh, SHE chose to have three kids did she? He didn't.??

@Mamof3downsouth no he doesn't get to Just pop off to the gym and weasel out of the morning chaos!!

I presume he also chose to have children?? This means you can't always do the things you want to do at the time you'd like to do them!!

He is taking the piss.

He's finding it difficult with 3 under 3 and he's swanning off like he's got no responsibilities. He knows you've got no choice but to do everything.

I'd be absolutely fuming. He's got no respect for you. Unfortunately I hear stories like this all the time. A lot of my friends have partners who are useless, but nothing quite as bad as this.

I don't know how people stay with men like this. Appreciate that's easier said than done with 3 little children mind :/.

Irrelevant when what she needs as a second pair of hands in the morning chaos

he doesn’t want to put the kids to bed on his own
Well that has to stop. He is their parent too, I think you need to start insisting on him doing his share of this. Quite likely he will make a mess of it at first and expect you to step in. I think this tactic is called weaponisrd incompetence, don't be taken in by it.

I’m still getting most my maternity pay and will go back before stat ends as I earn more than he does
This is important. Whatever happens you do not want to end up working full time as the majority breadwinner and doing all the childcare and housework. Make it clear now that this gym routine is temporary as when you go back to work he will have to do his fair share of mornings, bedtimes, everything.

He’s not the sole breadwinner OP earns more and is on Mat pay!

OP maybe whilst your on Mat leave I’d potentially entertain this but when you go back he needs to be pulling his weight

my Dp decided that he wanted to start going into the office every day at 7am (so leaving the house at 6am leaving me to get up with kids get them sorted to school and myself to work by 8.15am) to beat the traffic and get an early finish on a Friday, when I said great we can do a half day on a Friday at nursery then if you’re gonna be finishing early he changed his mind as he was going to use the half day to go to the gym and swim! Lovely, when’s my half day to do that then!

100% this
honestly why do women put up with such BS and disrespect

Also interested in this self-employed guy who does weekend quotes...?!?!?

OP is on Mat Leave to look after one child - the new baby. She's also only on Mat Leave during her working hours. The other hours of the day are normal hours. The other children need the normal responsibilities fulfilling jointly.

Yes, there's some flexibility, but Mat Leave isn't a year out to provide 24/7 availability to your family. The sooner the dad is active and involved the better.

I'd be highly suspicious of someone instantly committing to a 5 day a week gym routine anyway - people who do that usually fail. Added to the "weekend work" it's rather suspicious...

Are you not a mum?

@CobaltSky

Yes, essentially.
Nothing else to add.

So he isn't actually an involved parent before 7am anyway. In that case it shouldn't matter if he is in or out of the house.
If there is one conversation you need to have with him it's the conversation about lack of actual tangible support in the mornings. Gym is a red herring.

My partner has a construction business and does quotes every weekend. Because during the week he is actually on a building site or visiting prospective clients. Weekends is when he has time to sit down and do the quotes on the projects he inspected throughout the week. Why does it strike you as unusual?

Thank you!

I didn’t know if I was tired and being unreasonable as I feel like so much of the mental load is on me - I do the cooking, washing, cleaning, nursery runs etc, which is fine whilst I’m on maternity leave but I just appreciate that extra time on a morning to have help.

we have been together 8 years and he has never shown any interest in the gym but the guy he works with goes 6-7 which is why I think this is the time he wants to go. I just don’t want to come across like a controlling wife not letting him do anything but he seems to get so much more time than I do. I don’t want it to become tit for tat where I’m going out for the sake of it because he does. I just want the help at the harder times. In a few years, I do think it’ll be easier but at the minute, it is hectic!

I suggested 8-9 as he still gets to go and I could sit and watch a bit of tv or something. He does have a physical job and I get we all need the ‘me time’ - just wasn’t sure if I was being unreasonable as I’m exhausted 😴

My husband goes to the gym every morning but it sounds like a very different set up.
We have 6yr old (home educated), 4yr old (special school) & 2 yr old (nursery/ home). I’m a SAHM and he works from home.

He is an early riser and naturally gets up at 6ish so he tends to catch kids as they wake. He is on kid duty until around 7/7:30 when they are all up and having breakfast - he also gets their lunches ready. He then either goes for a run or exercises in the home gym. I get dressed whilst they are having breakfast and get the little two dressed, eldest just needs supervision.
Husband is finished with exercise around 8:30 when he starts work, but also helps with getting kids in car if he’s around.
I check bags and load kids etc then do any necessary school / nursery drops offs.

It doesn’t happen every day but it’s certainly not uncommon for Husband to finish work at around 5 and for to either go and sit in a silent room or take the dogs for a walk on my own from 5-6 whilst he parents and preps their dinner. I then ‘clock back on’ and we joint parent from 6-8 to do bedtimes etc.

Its all very much a rhythm rather than a routine so things change about, but the morning gym time is important to him and he more than pulls his weight as a husband and father so I’m very happy to help accommodate it.

I feel like its 1950 again sometimes on MN. This is ridiculous, when do you get to go to the gym. Why can't you take turns in going to the gym before the day starts? Or maybe, is there a creche or somewhere you can drop the children while you do classes or swim, or relax.. whatever you like doing? I used to love just running around a track twice a week was very therapeutic and was good for my mind.

Then when he comes home at 5 you meet up with friends to the pub or just leave him to it to have time for yourself too a couple of days a week. He sounds like another selfish man child :-(

"Oh, that's nice. I'm guessing you've organised a nanny to help for that hour and worked out how you're going to earn the extra money needed to pay for it? Because surely you didn't think you could just swan off for an hour a day whilst I do all the work for your 3 kids, did you?"

I wouldn't want to go 8-9pm either, as I'd have had dinner by then and would feel sick and get stitch training on a full stomach. Perhaps he's the same and would rather go in the morning on an empty stomach.

However....I don't have 3 kids and can do as I like!

Could you compromise with him going a couple of mornings a week and then a couple of evenings? TBH going to the gym in the evening is difficult (going on the way home is ok but I'd never get there if I had to come home first and go back out again) but I also think expecting you to do every morning on your own is unreasonable.

Your husband is obviously addicted to the gym, it is not uncommon but he should fit itn around family needs. You need his help more than he needs to pump iron or whatever early in the morning, five days a week.

There are other ways of getting enough exercise without that. You and the children must come first.

Why can't he go when the children are in bed would be my thinking.

If it absolutely has to be in the morning before work then he needs to compromise and not do it every morning he could do 6-7 a weekend morning when there's no school run and another morning of the week and I'd be agreeing where you get the equivalent of the time back but leaving you doing everything in the morning when it's chaotic and a lot of pressure is just ridiculous and to my mind actually quite selfish.

@Mamof3downsouth if you are doing all the laundry as well as everything else then I suggest you stop washing his gym kit for a start.

By doing everything you are making it easy for him to be selfish. Start ensuring he pulls his weight even if it’s more work initially.

I can well imagine that the hour in the gym will consist of 20 odd minutes of exercise followed by a lovely long shower and a coffee. Twice or three times a week is absolutely enough of this.

@LBFseBrom he isn’t addicted to the gym because he’s never been in the 8 years we’ve been together - it’s just something he’s deciding he wants to do 🫣 I have no idea why he’s suddenly decided when it’s never been something he’s interested in. I’d get it if he had always gone but it’s difficult at the minute and it just doesn’t feel ideal but like I said before, not sure if I’m being tired from multiple wakings every night and unreasonable 😂 I don’t want to come across an awful wife telling him what to do but how far do I let it go before he’s just taking the mick? 😭

I think a better compromise is every other morning or something similar. Training in the evening as late as 9pm isn’t ideal as it’s too late to eat afterwards.
Everyone should have the opportunity to exercise tho so make sure you do too.
It does sound as if he’s checking out of family life tho.
Hats off to you OP, 3 under 3 is crazy!