DH wants to start gym every day before work

[Mamof3downsouth]

So as the post says my DH has said he wants to start going to the gym every morning before work so 6-7.

He leaves for work at 7 and gets home just after 5. We have 3 DC, age 3, 2 and 6 months old. I’m currently on mat leave and my eldest is in nursery so I do the nursery drop off and pick up every day, which is a 15 minute drive

He is self employed the the only day he finishes early is Friday so he can go to the pub.

I’ve asked him if he can go to the gym 8-9 when the oldest 2 are in bed so I’m not doing the whole morning on my own but this isn’t convenient for him, our eldest wake up between 5.30 and 6 (but they go to bed at half 6!)

am I being unreasonable wanting the extra help on a morning? Not sure if I’m just exhausted and want the extra support but being unreasonable.

as he’s self employed, he’s often out weekend mornings looking at/quoting jobs

I just find it very full on with 3 and still BF the baby so the help on a morning is appreciated. He just occupies them; gets the oldest 2 dressed then I sort pack lunch, breakfast and getting them in the car for the nursery run.

He's put off parenting and everything around the house to you during your maternity leave and now he wants to spend even less time with his children by going to the gym at a time that gets him out of doing anything with his kids in the morning. How many hours a week does he actually spend with his kids? If you added it up I bet you would be shocked how little it is. And now he wants to spend 5 hours a week less and leave it all to you?

You've got a lazy partner who is checking out of household responsibilities and family life.

I've noticed during the extended maternity leaves that women take up much more of the household responsibilities and childcare and even after they return to work, the responsibilities tend to stay with them.

I think he's setting up a routine where he has to do as little as possible after you return to work and I wouldn't be down with that or even doing this now. He can go to the gym in the evening and have a protein bar after. Both parents need to be onboard during busy times.

YANBU.

One - two mornings a week- maybe. And he should spend the night before pre making the lunches and laying out clothes so the morning is as easy as possible for you.

If he's serious about his health kick then he can skip the pub every Friday and spend that time working or with his children.

Skipping out on the morning chaos every day is absolutely selfish.

Times have changed. Women used to do everything with the children and household because they didn’t have to work outside the house. Now a couple can’t survive on just one income so therefore women have to work outside the home. But yet you seem to think that the women should still be doing everything with the house and kids on top of having a job?

You keep going on about men needing space and freedom away from their kids and wife and men’s feelings yet you have nothing to say about how much pressure women are under because they’re expected to do everything?

The fundamental issue is that two people raising children in today’s society should both be putting in equal effort to raise those children and run a household and both people should have time to themselves to do their hobbies and relax. It shouldn’t be the man having zero responsibilities.

Your views are from the Stone Age and completely sexist.

That certainly hasn’t been my experience. Or, I think, the experience of many who post here who are desperate to have children at any cost.

You are so focussed on not being controlling or awful that you are missing the fact he is being controlling - sulking until he gets he way is controlling behaviour 101. Refusing to step up and be a parent and a husband and help you and put his needs aside and his wants for the good of the family isn’t just being an awful husband it is not being one at all

and why is the childminder yiur responsibility he is self employed surely that comes with certain benefits of flexibility

@Cheeseburger85

I (female) had a child because my partner (male) really wanted one.

That’s got fuck all to do with whether or not I should be an equally committed parent now that I have a child. And if I wanted to swan off and avoid the morning routine every day of the work week, I’d be taking the absolute piss.

Maybe we could keep the conversation relevant to the OPs actual query instead of derailing it.

How often every week / month do you get to go to the gym by yourself while he or someone else looks after the kids? And how often do you get to go to the pub or see your friends or go to the cinema, unaccompanied by children and without your husband?

5 times a week at the gym is far, far too much. If he’s so desperate to go why can’t he go one evening a week and one morning? Or one weekend day and one week morning?

I really despair. It’s as if you are the below stairs staff and he is the Lord of the manor. When he says he wants to go to the gym 5 times a week, please don’t even take this request seriously. Or at least - not unless you do it all one week and he does it the next, until you go back to work.

I knew my life would change and I opted for that.
I'm an adoring dad and love my daughter more than life. You can have a view in your early 20s that you don't have later. It's called maturing.

You're projecting. If she ever asks she will realise that despite my demands in life I sacrificed that because I loved her mum and it was the best decision of my life.

If someone doesn't trust men because of that they need therapy. Nobody makes you feel a certain way.

In short I'm a good dad who is always spending time w my child. And I am adult enough to own that I've changed over time. Novel huh!?

But being a wife and mother should be?

browbeating shouldn’t be necessary and certainly saying you can’t go to the gym shouldn’t be either

you are right times have changed women now rightly work and have to balance that alongside being a wife and a mother and an individual in their own right who gets to sometimes do things for themselves

men should do and be able to do the same because of course being a husband and father isn’t enough to be fulfilled but you also need to see them as responsibilities you have chosen.
being someone’s partner and someone’s dad is a choice if you don’t want the responsibility that come with it don’t do it

and by the way doing washing up thiugh commendable is one task in a list of many

I don’t have any time on my own at the minute as the BF baby won’t take a bottle, however, I have started to go food shopping on a Sunday instead of having it delivered just to have an hour on my own.

I don’t mind not going and doing things on my own. I see friends regularly through the week with our children together, even if it’s just soft play and a coffee. It isn’t about him having time on his own, it’s just the most inconvenient time for us, which is why I’d suggested when the older 2 are in bed- they are both usually asleep by 7.

@Mamof3downsouth YANBU OP. Apart from the childish sulking when he doesn't get what he wants, I'd also be annoyed about his apparent lack of desire to spend any time with the family. He finishes work early on a Friday so he can go to the pub, rather than come home and spend time with you and the DC, and now he wants to reduce the time he spends with you all further by going to the gym for an hour every morning, leaving you to shoulder the burden at the busiest time of the day. He is taking the mick, OP. He seems to view the children as yours, not his. Did he actually want children, OP, or did he just like the idea of them?

Join 24 hour gym and he can go 5.30 - 6.30am, then he can come back and help with getting kids dressed

Oh @Mamof3downsouth going supermarket shopping on your own for an hour isn't time to yourself. Goodness me.

Your BF baby is 6 months old, and surely able to go a little while between feeds, even if they won't take a bottle. If you don't want to be apart from them then no worries, but it could easily be managed if you wanted to.

Don't blame OP because someone who is not her doesn't want to parent. Her husband's bad behaviour is NOT her responsibility.

@Cheeseburger85 awwww poor men.

Why are you mansplaining work to women, most of whom work?

I don't see who's being browbeaten, women are on here talking to each other, which you don't seem to like.

So, how can we get men to take more of a lead? I say this is a very involved dad who does all but the washing up!

Why the fuck is this women's job to figure out. Go ask some men. Why should women do your thinking? You want to not be told there's a lot of men not stepping up, but then you want us to accept it's women's fault because we are not "giving you alternatives" or telling men how useful they are to society and giving them cookies for adulting?

It's honestly pathetic.

He did want the children - the first two were very much planned and he was very on board and he was the one wanted a close age gap, like his own siblings. The third was a surprise baby, I was on the pill, but also very much loved and wanted!

He's suddenly decided he wants to go to the gym every day after not going at all in 8 years? He's not going to the gym. Sorry.

There was a thread a while back where someone's husband started going to the gym early in the morning, of course he was actually meeting up with a woman who was also married. Absolute cliche for men with very young kids/pregnant wives.

@Cheeseburger85 , your argument is fine, for the 1950s model, but women often have to work, and often want to work. Modern families can't all survive on one wage. Women are often staying at home because her wage wouldn't cover the cost of childcare. it's her career and financial security that suffers.

OP is a working mother on maternity leave and is the main breadwinner, yet you think she should be some sort of 1950s wife and prop up her husband's ego.

If he's self employed, could he delay starting work until 8/8.30 am, and help out with the mornings?

@IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads as I said earlier in the thread, being self employed does not mean you can work whichever hours you fancy!

Then why does he think he can just opt out of putting them to bed? You can't just opt out of the things you don't like. You don't get to, why should he?

@Mamof3downsouth you don't sound particularly angry, I'd be FUMING.

Also, I hate to be that person 😂, but aren't you a bit suspicious about his sudden interest in going to the gym that he HAS to go every day?

@Mamof3downsouth you trying not to be a “bad “ wife is allowing him to be a shit husband and dad.
He needs to step up .
Once you’re ready if he is out Friday at the pub fine . You are at Friends Saturday for food and wine.
You do the weekly shop on a Sunday he cooks it.
then split the other 6 days of chores between you . He is having a laugh with the swanning around he is doing like he is single with no wife or kids.

Why is that the men think that women should be available to take care of the children? Why do they assume that women will make it happen no matter what and, therefore, men can absolve themselves from any responsibility for the family they, presumably, wanted? Why do you think women consider it enough to be a "good mum/wife"?
I have a way to get my man to take more of a lead by refusing to be a default household manager. He has no other option but to pick up the slack or he can abandon his responsibilities as a father and a partner and choose a single life if he is not finding it emotionally motivating.
I have no interest in browbeating men, no interest at all. They are adults and free to make a choice, Just don't make a choice to have a family and then bellow "but what do I get out of that?!" when it comes with additional responsibilities.

I don’t think there’s anything close to an affair going on. I think it’s because the man he works with goes 6-7 then they go to work from him finishing is the reason he also wants to now join. He also has children and I know his partner, and she struggles with it but they seem to think doing all this is ok. He doesn’t miss bedtime going to the pub on a Friday, his excuse is that he can go every Friday because he finishes early to go so is still home at 5/half 5 like every other day in the week

I mean, it mainly does. I've been self employed for 15 years and choose my work hours, and I can't think of a single one of my self employed friends who make themselves work at specific times. It's one of the benefits of being your own boss.