DH wants to start gym every day before work

[Mamof3downsouth]

So as the post says my DH has said he wants to start going to the gym every morning before work so 6-7.

He leaves for work at 7 and gets home just after 5. We have 3 DC, age 3, 2 and 6 months old. I’m currently on mat leave and my eldest is in nursery so I do the nursery drop off and pick up every day, which is a 15 minute drive

He is self employed the the only day he finishes early is Friday so he can go to the pub.

I’ve asked him if he can go to the gym 8-9 when the oldest 2 are in bed so I’m not doing the whole morning on my own but this isn’t convenient for him, our eldest wake up between 5.30 and 6 (but they go to bed at half 6!)

am I being unreasonable wanting the extra help on a morning? Not sure if I’m just exhausted and want the extra support but being unreasonable.

as he’s self employed, he’s often out weekend mornings looking at/quoting jobs

I just find it very full on with 3 and still BF the baby so the help on a morning is appreciated. He just occupies them; gets the oldest 2 dressed then I sort pack lunch, breakfast and getting them in the car for the nursery run.

I bet he has already agreed to meet his mate from work 5 days a week at 6 til 7...he will have played the Man Of The House card and his dw will be told he is going.. He can't back down now and lose face can he? Absolutely fool..
*him not you op.. Suggest running is also good for fitness.. Invest in a jogging pushchair and have the baby ready for 6...

Yes, this exactly. The precedents that are being set now will continue when you return to work. He is unlikely to suddenly start pulling his weight when you are back to work.

You should rename this “DH wants to devolve himself of all parental responsibility 5 days a week.”

Anddd there you go showing that it’s men and their attitudes that are the problem.

Men shouldn’t have to be told they have to do X,Y,Z to be able to go and do what they enjoy in the first place. They shouldn’t even see it as an option not to do those things.

Parenting their own children and having responsibilities in running the household isn’t something you get to choose to opt in and out of it is something that needs to be done by BOTH parents and partners.

You earn the most money, you do most of the childcare and you do the housework. What on earth does this selfish, children avoiding, sulky loser bring to your table?

The only thing I think will be easier being at work is having a lunch hour, a bit of time to breathe 🙈😂 I don’t think the morning rush will be any easier at all - I’ve done it twice before but I might not feel as bothered about doing more of the parenting if I’m not spending all my time doing it, if that makes sense!

I don't know about extra help - I am a woman, only bread winner, self-employed and I told my dh - you either go and earn and I do everything with the children, or I go and earn and you do everything with the children. Your choice. I found it impossible to combine self-employment with child care. Maybe it is just me, but we had an equal split - he is full-time parent, I am full-time earner. Obviously I provided hugs and love and holidays and once or twice a parents' evening (I travel for work), but it was a well-demarcated division.
But I also never went to the gym every day - this is a selfish unmarried person behaviour. You either go to the gym all of you, or nobody goes. And the gym does not have to be 'gym', it can be any activity. My idea of work division is that if you are already doing your full-time mum job at 6 am - he should start his self-employed job at 6 am - no other way about it and not dick around with the gym.

You are doing so much and like you say, he's not inconvenienced at all, at your expense.

As you seem to be on top of everything he doesn't appreciate how hard it is for you.

Start changing that by not having his tea cooked and ready every night. You can take it in turns.

I hope you're not putting away his clean laundry and ironing his clothes, if so, that stops.

He has three children and needs to start sharing the laid with you, especially as you earn more than him.

What will happen if you get so burnt out you can't work?

He's immature and selfish.

If he's self employed, could he delay starting work until 8/8.30 am, and help out with the mornings?

I gym from 6-7am, deliberately so I can home for the 7-8.15 getting up and out period.

The issue for me here is that he doesn’t use the gym at all right now but suddenly wants to go five days a week which conveniently would take him out of the house during the morning scramble. I think it’s a tactic to avoid doing his share. Two days a week, fine, but he doesn’t get to opt out like this.

Well unfortunately when you decide to have 3 small children, parent’s needs take a back seat. At least until they are older anyway.

I would say “No”. It may sound controlling but you both decided to have them all close in age and you (both) have to make sacrifices.

Did he really expect his life not to change? Same old story with these men isn’t it. Just expect the woman to do all the child rearing whilst they do what they want.

I would be careful what you let him get away with now, coz when you go back to work, you’ll still be expected to do the same.

On a side note, I suspect most men could easily live without having kids. Many I know had them because wives or partners wanted them.
Yet in my experience, it's been the men who were keenest to have children.

This isn’t solving the issue of your husband not pulling his weight when it comes to being a parent.

You need to be having serious conversations with him about how things will look once you’re back at work.

You will both be working so you should both be pulling your weight equally when it comes to parenting and household duties.

He may not be able to do drop off because he has a van but he can sure as hell be getting up and doing his equal share of breakfast, getting kids changed, tidying up and then in the evenings making dinner, doing washing and bath and bed time.

He is a parent and an equal adult in your household. Tell him to step up.

Alot of shoulds there.

This happens when men get told they don't matter by society. Men used to have a defined role. Work. Women would do the house and children.

Was that good for all involved? Who knows? I wasn't there. But men had to sacrifice family time to bring in the money. Work isn't an escape as some idiots would have you think.

I have a genuine question. Why is it that women think men "should" be available? What is in it for them? Being a "good dad/husband" isn't enough. Because men don't seem to find that emotionally motivating. So, how can we get men to take more of a lead? I say this is a very involved dad who does all but the washing up!

Endlessly browbeating men is NOT getting them to be better dads and partners. So give me an alternative... because this isn't working for anyone.

"Get away with"?

Oh dear. That sounds healthy 🤔

'He doesn't want'. Well what do YOU want?
He wants to go to the gym daily he needs to compromise on when.

Honestly OP, this man brings nothing positive to your life and you would find it so much easier if you went at it alone and he had the kids every other weekend. He can't even communicate like an adult and he doesn't want to spend any time with you or his kids.

He seems to want a 50s housewife but then you also bring a bigger paycheck than him. He really won the lottery with you but he's too dumb to appreciate it. What a twerp.

Could he get the 3 year old up and out to nursery before he goes to the gym?

@Cheeseburger85 , what planet are you on?

I wonder whether a suggestion of couples therapy might jolt him into realising how little he's contributing to his own family.

I'm sure a lot of men could easily live without having kids. If you wanted to do that, you should have stayed single, or married a women who doesn't want children.

Don't agree to be a parent, and then have the woman do everything, and say .... well she wanted them, I didn't want them, so she can do all the work.

Don't frame doing any parenting as being kind to your wife. That's your job as the kid's dad.

And I wonder what your kid will think of you when she finds out you only had her because of your wife, and you didn't really want to be a dad...you were coerced into it. You going to have a daughter who won't trust men and who feels like she is an inconvenience or burden to you because she upended your life. That's as bad as telling your daughter she was a birth control accident.

Of course having your daughter upended your life. What did you think would happen?

I'd compromise with 1-2 mornings a week plus he knocks going to the pub on Fridays on the head and comes home instead.

He shouldn't have had 3 children, especially so close in age if he wanted to go to the gym every morning and also go to the pub every single Friday.

This is the crux of it.

Say yes he can do that.

In five years, when he no longer has responsibilities to his wife and young children to prioritise.