Page 4 | DH wants to start gym every day before work

Mamof3downsouth · 2025-03-05T10:21:07+00:00

So as the post says my DH has said he wants to start going to the gym every morning before work so 6-7. He leaves for work at 7 and gets home just after 5. We have 3 DC, age 3, 2 and 6 months old. I’m currently on mat leave and my eldest is in nursery so I do the nursery drop off and pick up every day, which is a 15 minute drive He is self employed the the only day he finishes early is Friday so he can go to the pub. I’ve asked him if he can go to the gym 8-9 when the oldest 2 are in bed so I’m not doing the whole morning on my own but this isn’t convenient for him, our eldest wake up between 5.30 and 6 (but they go to bed at half 6!) am I being unreasonable wanting the extra help on a morning? Not sure if I’m just exhausted and want the extra support but being unreasonable. as he’s self employed, he’s often out weekend mornings looking at/quoting jobs I just find it very full on with 3 and still BF the baby so the help on a morning is appreciated. He just occupies them; gets the oldest 2 dressed then I sort pack lunch, breakfast and getting them in the car for the nursery run.

SpringIsSpringing25 · 05/03/2025 11:22

Cheeseburger85 · 05/03/2025 11:07

Why does every thread on here sound like a massive men vs women battle? Holy God!

Yes, we know all men who want time to do things are man babies, useless, workshy, and selfish.

Yes, we know all women are hard done by, selfless, oppressed, have no agency or assertiveness.

Whatever happened to being kind to each other and doing things because it's a nice thing to do? My partner can go chill in the bath etc because I love her, and it's a kind thing to give her time to do.

I cycle most evenings, once child is in bed. It's my way of keeping sane and not being a miserable b×××××d. She allows that because she cares about my sanity. Cos, and I know this is a novel idea, we show kindness to each other!! 😱🤯

In short, get a grip people. It's childish and petty to think "oh so when do I get my time!" It sows resentment, bitterness and ultimately brings about selfishness. If you aren't mature enough to have these convos or care for each other enough to do kind things "just because" then, frankly, you need to grow the hell up.

No wonder so many people are miserable af on here.

I say that w kindness, because I can't stand bullshitting.

It's not about her getting her 'me' time, it's about him buggering off to the gym in the chaos of getting three very small children ready in the morning in time to get one to nursery on time. One is still being breastfed.Fgs. He wants to take up a new hobby because his friend is going he needs to grow up and realise that when you have three children you need to be a parent and not leave all the parenting to his wife who is currently on her knees from all the night waking and breastfeeding a baby.

ScaredOfDinosaurs · 05/03/2025 11:25

At a bare minimum he should pack all bags and lay out their clothes for the morning because that would help you both a lot.

I'd suggest that he gets two mornings at the gym and so do you. The baby will be fine for an hour with him.

FrenchandSaunders · 05/03/2025 11:26

That's really not a fair thing for him to even suggest with kids this age. Absolutely not. And the pub every Friday .... he could come home early a couple of times a month and go out with you and the kids somewhere.

Plus the fact if he's a newbie he won't want to be at the gym every day!

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 05/03/2025 11:26

OP how can you even begin to think it might be ok that your husband want you to do his share of parenting (two toddlers and a baby!) on top of yours, for an hour (which is half the time he sees them daily) every single day. This is madness. You are both meant to be equal parents outside of working hours. Would you ever even consider asking this of him?

Shambles123 · 05/03/2025 11:27

You keep saying you dont want to be an awful wife but he sounds like a shit husband.

Cheeseburger85 · 05/03/2025 11:27

ArtTheClownIsNotAMime · 05/03/2025 11:22

This man is pathetic and a terrible father. He can't cope with putting his own children to bed and can't look after them without shoving a screen in front of them. Why on earth have you chosen this?

And at no point does anyone ask WHY he behaves like this?

Yes name call all you like, but that won't get a good outcome.

When I'm depressed I withdraw, shut down, go out and avoid. But to you I'd be a man baby and a pathetically terrible father.
And society wonders why men off themselves as much as they do.

DuchessOfNarcissex · 05/03/2025 11:27

May I correct? Sounds like he’s getting himself into a routine which means he’s no longer available to help with participate in the morning routine.

Shitmonger · 05/03/2025 11:27

DaisyChain505 · 05/03/2025 11:16

@Mamof3downsouth

“I just don’t want to come across like a controlling wife not letting him do anything but he seems to get so much more time than I do.”

Telling your partner to step up and do basic parenting is NOT being controlling. The attitude of not wanting to come across as a controlling wife is the reason why so many women end up doing absolutely everything because they are too afraid to stand up for themselves and ask to be treated as an equal in their partnership.

Your “job” as a stay at home mum is the same hours as when your partner works his job. Once he clocks off from work so do you and after that you are just two parents working together to look after your joint children.

It is absolutely unfair that he gets to have free time for himself every single morning leaving you to do everything and it’s absolutely ridiculous that this manchild refuses to put his children to bed.

Stop being afraid to be seen as controlling and stand up for yourself and your children.

OP is not a stay at home mum, she’s the primary earner. She’s on maternity leave.

BountifulPantry · 05/03/2025 11:28

Defo stick to your guns OP. He can absolutely go the gym 5 times per week for an hour but it has to fit in with the family life that he has chosen.

Original poster

Mamof3downsouth · 05/03/2025 11:30

Thank you everyone! I feel less of a controlling, crazy wife! When he is ready to speak, I’ll reiterate that it just doesn’t work with family time! I think I try really hard to not resent the fact he gets to have a full night sleep and go off to work and come in to tea cooked, and all the jobs done because I know I’m tired and being on mat leave is lovely but bloody hard work!

OP posts:

GreyAreas · 05/03/2025 11:31

Negotiate, it's understandable he wants to do it, find something you want like him doing the whole shebang several nights a week in return for several mornings at the gym.

DaisyChain505 · 05/03/2025 11:31

Cheeseburger85 · 05/03/2025 11:07

Why does every thread on here sound like a massive men vs women battle? Holy God!

Yes, we know all men who want time to do things are man babies, useless, workshy, and selfish.

Yes, we know all women are hard done by, selfless, oppressed, have no agency or assertiveness.

Whatever happened to being kind to each other and doing things because it's a nice thing to do? My partner can go chill in the bath etc because I love her, and it's a kind thing to give her time to do.

I cycle most evenings, once child is in bed. It's my way of keeping sane and not being a miserable b×××××d. She allows that because she cares about my sanity. Cos, and I know this is a novel idea, we show kindness to each other!! 😱🤯

In short, get a grip people. It's childish and petty to think "oh so when do I get my time!" It sows resentment, bitterness and ultimately brings about selfishness. If you aren't mature enough to have these convos or care for each other enough to do kind things "just because" then, frankly, you need to grow the hell up.

No wonder so many people are miserable af on here.

I say that w kindness, because I can't stand bullshitting.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with men wanting to have me time, going to the gym, having hobbies etc.

The issue is that the majority of the time they are neglecting their parental duties and not being fair partners.

I’m sure if the OP’s partner was pulling his weight with parenting their joint children and with household duties she wouldn’t even been writing this post.

So you can spout the “do kind things for each other” line as much as you want but the fact is OP’s partner isn’t doing kind things for her. He’s leaving everything down to her and swanning about doing what he wants.

isthesolution · 05/03/2025 11:31

Yeh he needs to be looking after the kids every other morning. And you do the same. He can then go to the gym and you can do whatever you choose - a lie in, a walk, a bath!

Also - going to the gym every day after not going at all isn't a good idea. He needs to do 2-3 times a week max to start with.

ArtTheClownIsNotAMime · 05/03/2025 11:33

Cheeseburger85 · 05/03/2025 11:27

And at no point does anyone ask WHY he behaves like this?

Yes name call all you like, but that won't get a good outcome.

When I'm depressed I withdraw, shut down, go out and avoid. But to you I'd be a man baby and a pathetically terrible father.
And society wonders why men off themselves as much as they do.

Show quote history

God, men on Mumsnet are so tedious. Go cry a river somewhere else.

SilenceInside · 05/03/2025 11:33

You say "I feel like so much of the mental load is on me - I do the cooking, washing, cleaning, nursery runs etc, which is fine whilst I’m on maternity leave"

Why is this fine when you are mat leave?? Why is it ok for him not to do his share of the cooking, washing, cleaning and so on at the moment? Your mat leave is to recover from birth and to care for a small child, not to turn into a domestic servant for him. It sets a precedent that these things are generally your responsibility so guess who will continue to do all of it when you go back to work - you! I'd work on changing that too, as well as discussing his contribution to parenting his children.

Londonmummy66 · 05/03/2025 11:34

I don’t want to be an awful wife and not let him but I just don’t know how sane I’ll be doing every aspect of everything on my own

But he gets to be an awful husband who can abdicate his responsibility to his family so he can go to the gym when he wants at the expense of your wellbeing? I would tell him that it isn't convenient for the family as a whole at the moment and that he needs to suck it up and go in the evenings. If you do cave then tell him that the quid pro quo is that you have 2 blocks of childfree time at the weekend when he takes all three out of the house or your leave them with him for at least a couple of hours both days. And he comes home straight from work on a Friday and doesn't go to the pub so that you can pop out for a drink with friends whilst he does bath and bed.

AdoraBell · 05/03/2025 11:35

YANBU. He is a parent, he needs to behave like a parent.

Cheeseburger85 · 05/03/2025 11:36

DaisyChain505 · 05/03/2025 11:31

There is absolutely nothing wrong with men wanting to have me time, going to the gym, having hobbies etc.

The issue is that the majority of the time they are neglecting their parental duties and not being fair partners.

I’m sure if the OP’s partner was pulling his weight with parenting their joint children and with household duties she wouldn’t even been writing this post.

So you can spout the “do kind things for each other” line as much as you want but the fact is OP’s partner isn’t doing kind things for her. He’s leaving everything down to her and swanning about doing what he wants.

Show quote history

I didn't specify who should show kindness. Both parties need to grow up a bit.

On a side note, I suspect most men could easily live without having kids. Many I know had them because wives or partners wanted them.

Isthiswhatmenthink · 05/03/2025 11:37

Mamof3downsouth · 05/03/2025 11:12

@Cheeseburger85 hes 36 so could be that! I don’t want to be an awful wife and not let him but I just don’t know how sane I’ll be doing every aspect of everything on my own 🫣
maybe when I’m back at work, I’ll find it less demanding. I think suggesting 2 or 3 mornings a week could be ok but I’m not sure what he would say to this.

I suggested 8-9 and he hasn’t spoken to me since 🫣

He’s not worried about being a shit husband and father though is he? Selfish prick.

Cheeseburger85 · 05/03/2025 11:38

Londonmummy66 · 05/03/2025 11:34

I don’t want to be an awful wife and not let him but I just don’t know how sane I’ll be doing every aspect of everything on my own

But he gets to be an awful husband who can abdicate his responsibility to his family so he can go to the gym when he wants at the expense of your wellbeing? I would tell him that it isn't convenient for the family as a whole at the moment and that he needs to suck it up and go in the evenings. If you do cave then tell him that the quid pro quo is that you have 2 blocks of childfree time at the weekend when he takes all three out of the house or your leave them with him for at least a couple of hours both days. And he comes home straight from work on a Friday and doesn't go to the pub so that you can pop out for a drink with friends whilst he does bath and bed.

I can see how that would go.

"You must do x, y, z if you want to go gym:

"Er no"

"You have no choice"

"Er no..." grabs gym bag.

At least many people I know irl

ShouldIEvenBother · 05/03/2025 11:39

Is it the gym he so desperately wants to go to EVERY FUCKING DAY or is it parenting he desperately wants to get out of having to do?

SpringIsSpringing25 · 05/03/2025 11:39

Cheeseburger85 · 05/03/2025 11:36

I didn't specify who should show kindness. Both parties need to grow up a bit.

On a side note, I suspect most men could easily live without having kids. Many I know had them because wives or partners wanted them.

Show quote history

So would you have happily not had your children?

Why does the OP need to grow up?? She's the one doing everything around the house. She's the one doing all the cooking and laundry. She's the one doing everything for three children bar shoving a tablet at them?

SpringIsSpringing25 · 05/03/2025 11:40

Cheeseburger85 · 05/03/2025 11:38

I can see how that would go.

"You must do x, y, z if you want to go gym:

"Er no"

"You have no choice"

"Er no..." grabs gym bag.

At least many people I know irl

Show quote history

Colour me surprised that that's the type of company you keep

Scottishgirl85 · 05/03/2025 11:42

Why will it be easier when you're back at work? You still have to get 3 children out the door, and look presentable yourself!

Cheeseburger85 · 05/03/2025 11:42

SpringIsSpringing25 · 05/03/2025 11:39

So would you have happily not had your children?

Why does the OP need to grow up?? She's the one doing everything around the house. She's the one doing all the cooking and laundry. She's the one doing everything for three children bar shoving a tablet at them?

Show quote history

Frankly, yes. That was my plan. Then I fell in love w my partner, and she said she had to have two kids. We negotiated one, and whilst one wasn't ideal for her, one upended my entire life. Travelling, freedom, career plans, etc. all thrown out the window.

Am I bitter? Certainly not. I love my kid. And at the same time, we had her solely because my partner wanted a child. I doubt this is uncommon.