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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell ex that if parents evening is that important, he can sodding well go?

361 replies

PyongyangKipperbang · 04/03/2025 22:51

Youngest of six in senior school. Parents evening once a term and every term it is the same. She is top set and doing very well, not bragging, just a fact. I spend a couple of hours sitting waiting and then probably half an hour total being told that she is doing very well and then getting the sales pitch for her to choose their subject for GCSE. Talked to her earlier about the next one and asked her if she would mind if we didnt go, she said she thought it was a waste of time. Her father messaged me tonight asking if I had made the appointments as he gets the email reminders. I said no as I wasnt going and asked if he had made his own appointments. He went MAD. I am a bad mother, I dont care about her, I should go blah blah. I said that I had been to all the other appointments and it hadnt really told me anything I didnt know but he was welcome to go himself. Again, it was my job, I am a shit mother who doesnt care about her.

So that was when I lost my shit and said "Well considerning you have never been to a single one of her parents evenings, perhaps this is the time you should go if you think it matters so much". Radio Silence.

I dont feel that it will make any difference, DD agrees.

So, if it matters to him so much, he can go right?

OP posts:
cait967 · 04/03/2025 22:52

Honestly one of you should go. Maybe take it in turns

Amanitacae · 04/03/2025 22:54

One of you should go. Your poor daughter. but agree that it’s shouldn’t be you every time.

Scarydinosaurs · 04/03/2025 22:55

YANBU they are not always a good use of time and missing one won’t hurt.

Original poster
PyongyangKipperbang · 04/03/2025 22:56

Poor daughter?! She hates it more than I do!

And he wont go. He wouldnt go with a gun to his head but will cheerfully slag me off for not going.

OP posts:
Justyouwaitandseeagain · 04/03/2025 22:56

I am with you on your decision, reasoning and discussion with your daughter - 100%. Ex can absolutely go if he feels it's so important.

purpleme12 · 04/03/2025 22:57

Agree

TheClawDecides · 04/03/2025 22:58

He should go if he wants to.

BUT, I'm the youngest of 5 in my family and to be honest even though I'm in my mid fifties now, I still feel a bit sad that my parents lost interest in my parents evenings and saw them as a waste of time because I was good in all my subjects and there were never any problems.

I played it down and agreed it was a waste of time, but deep down I just wanted them to take an interest and it was always nice sitting there while my teachers praised me to my parents.

It was almost as though they were telling me they were fed up with it all because they'd been through it already with my 4 older siblings.

Not a very nice feeling to be honest.

ridl14 · 04/03/2025 22:58

YANBU, honestly as a teacher the students doing well aren't the main ones whose parents we'd benefit from seeing at parents' evening. Sounds like you and DD are excelling and don't really need more feedback

Edit: also great response to your ex partner!

everychildmatters · 04/03/2025 22:59

Eh?!!! He doesn't want to go and hasn't been to any but went mad at you for saying you weren't going to go?!!!!!
Has he got a BIg Man Job he can't get out of but expects you to be able to attend because your job is (of course) far less important?
What a dick!!!

LilacPeer · 04/03/2025 22:59

Totally agree - as the parent that’s been to all of the parents evenings, you know if you’re finding it useful. If he thinks it’s useful, he can go.

If the teachers have any major concerns, they’ll contact you, irrespective of parents evening

Baital · 04/03/2025 22:59

Agree with you. If it's important to him, he can go.

I never went to DDs, she had an EHCP and I was in regular contact with the school.

If there was anything I needed to know the 5 minute slot wouldn't have given enough time to talk it through properly. So if there's something to discuss then let me know and I will find time (usually taking time off work) to discuss it as long as necessary.

Rainbowqueeen · 04/03/2025 23:00

Yes he should go.

But spoiler alert - he doesn't think they are important, he just wants to control you and make your life more difficult while he sits around feeling like the superior parent.

MrsSkylerWhite · 04/03/2025 23:00

It’s important if she’s choosing GCSE subjects. Personally, I’d want to go.

Original poster
PyongyangKipperbang · 04/03/2025 23:02

TheClawDecides · 04/03/2025 22:58

He should go if he wants to.

BUT, I'm the youngest of 5 in my family and to be honest even though I'm in my mid fifties now, I still feel a bit sad that my parents lost interest in my parents evenings and saw them as a waste of time because I was good in all my subjects and there were never any problems.

I played it down and agreed it was a waste of time, but deep down I just wanted them to take an interest and it was always nice sitting there while my teachers praised me to my parents.

It was almost as though they were telling me they were fed up with it all because they'd been through it already with my 4 older siblings.

Not a very nice feeling to be honest.

I can understand that. But in my defence, DD has other issues that mean that I am in contact with school a lot. She knows that I care that I am proud of her, but she hates parents evenings! The appointment system doesnt work. We tried doing it online last term and three of the eight calls didnt happen and of the ones that did it was "She is doing very well, we really think she should take "subject" as GCSE". I didnt make this decision alone, it was done with her input.

But I will talk again with her about this on the basis of what you have said, thank you. I dont want her agreeing with me if its not what she really feels.

OP posts:
Dweetfidilove · 04/03/2025 23:03

So he's absolved himself of his shittiness, presumably because he has a penis? Right 👌🏾.
Controlling twat.

Original poster
PyongyangKipperbang · 04/03/2025 23:05

MrsSkylerWhite · 04/03/2025 23:00

It’s important if she’s choosing GCSE subjects. Personally, I’d want to go.

She has chosen her GCSE subjects, and I fully support her choices. I suspect some of her teachers wont though, and that is why she doesnt want to go.

She is a science/maths/IT kid, but the history and geography teachers are already putting pressure on her.

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 04/03/2025 23:06

Wow-none of mine have had termly parents evenings at secondary, is that typical? For every year group?

Mine have one per year and they are spread out for all the year groups. The teaching staff must work a lot of evenings!

Moveoverdarlin · 04/03/2025 23:07

I would just hate the thought of my daughter not having a parent there on parents evening.

So you’ve got to sit there and listen to teachers tell you how bright your daughter is? Wow, what a fucking nightmare. I’m sure so many parents dread parents evening due to issues their children are facing and you can’t be arsed to go because they always say she’s doing well. Bizarre.

Yes your argument is completely valid regarding your ex, but he sounds a shit Dad anyway so I wouldn’t rely or want him to go.

Hearing people say nice things about my children is something I could sit through time and time again.

Original poster
PyongyangKipperbang · 04/03/2025 23:07

everychildmatters · 04/03/2025 22:59

Eh?!!! He doesn't want to go and hasn't been to any but went mad at you for saying you weren't going to go?!!!!!
Has he got a BIg Man Job he can't get out of but expects you to be able to attend because your job is (of course) far less important?
What a dick!!!

Edited

No, he used to have a "big job" but now I am the one with the big job. He got sacked for sexual harrassment. Wonder if you can work out why I divorced him?

OP posts:
everychildmatters · 04/03/2025 23:12

@PyongyangKipperbang Ah it makes sense now. He sounds very similar to my ex who said I'd never be able to manage financially without him - Mr Big Balls. Well yes actually I've always worked and never needed you or your money, sunshine!
I bet your ex is very jealous of your success and is acting out like a petulant child. Stay strong like the independent woman you clearly are 💪

Original poster
PyongyangKipperbang · 04/03/2025 23:15

Moveoverdarlin · 04/03/2025 23:07

I would just hate the thought of my daughter not having a parent there on parents evening.

So you’ve got to sit there and listen to teachers tell you how bright your daughter is? Wow, what a fucking nightmare. I’m sure so many parents dread parents evening due to issues their children are facing and you can’t be arsed to go because they always say she’s doing well. Bizarre.

Yes your argument is completely valid regarding your ex, but he sounds a shit Dad anyway so I wouldn’t rely or want him to go.

Hearing people say nice things about my children is something I could sit through time and time again.

Have 6 kids and come back and say that again!

3 are officially gifted (including DD) and all that we got was the sales pitch for them doing that particular subject for GCSE and them staying for A Levels. 2 were bang on average and we got the "who? Oh yes, no trouble, nice kid" for them. And one with SEN who needed help they wouldnt give but wasnt enough trouble to notice. So forgive me for not seeing the point in these things.

OP posts:
sageGreen81 · 04/03/2025 23:19

He's a dick u are right

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 04/03/2025 23:21

He can go. You’ve done more than your fair share. Dd sounds like she’s not bothered by it and knows what she wants to do. Good on her.

Tintackedsea · 04/03/2025 23:23

Parents evenings are a waste of time. You are quite right. If he wants to go he can. No one is stopping him.

Daisyvodka · 04/03/2025 23:25

Cracking response to your ex OP, that gave me a good laugh! Where do these men find the audacity???
As you've spoken to your daughter and she's been quite explicit how she feels about them, I'd be tempted not to go, if you are both happy with her GCSE choices?
She isn't going to 'suffer because her parents can't get on' in this instance so why the hell not. Sounds like she's doing great, might as well show her that her dad has double standards!